Post # 1
Ever since I got engaged, my two best friends have started to pull away from me. This is obviously, as you all know, a very emotionally strenuous time for a couple and time apart is crucial, yet the only close friend who is there is my fiance. There are quite a number of difficult things I’ve been through this year and they’ve mostly been sporadically there. One lives out of state, so I can’t blame her as much, but my other friend literally lives 7 blocks away from me. I hang out with acquaintances, but I really need my best friends to get me through hard times and share my accomplishments with (I just got my Master’s!).
The hardest thing was when J. (my Boyfriend or Best Friend that lives here), told me that he was unable to throw my bachelorette party, after he enthusiastically signed up for it and had talked about it for months. Now I’m planning my own bachelorette party and it feels really sad. Then he said he can’t make it to the wedding rehearsal and I finally told him that I felt abandoned and asked him what is up.
After avoiding me for almost two weeks, he told me he was jealous of me and the fact that I seem to everything figured out and perfect, but yet he still as yet to find Mr. Right. He also told me that once I’m married I’ll probably want to have a family and he doesn’t feel like he’ll be able to relate to me and my breastfeeding, Pampers, and endless Facebook posts about the cute things my kids do. When I told him that I’m not going to change dramatically and that my relationship is far from perfect, he just kept saying that he was scared this would happen, so he just pulled away before we could grow apart. He still seems kind of distant but at least we got it out in the open and we’re hanging out again.
My other best friend’s first reaction to my engagement was that I was making a huge mistake and I should stop being so focused on getting married and starting a family and go get my PhD. She feels I’m wasting my potential by being a librarian and a wife rather than a top notch professor and researcher. She’s gone back and forth between being jealous (both of my impending nuptials and my Master’s), criticizing me for wasting my potential, or saying she’s going to marry her alcoholic ex, because it’s about time.
Dear god, I want my friends back. I had no idea that getting married would change our relationships so drastically. I just want my friends back. I’m not the type to merge my identity with another person. I have so much more going on in my life than being a bride or a wife. I pride myself on being independent, having my own interests and being successful (PhD may happen someday, but I didn’t give it up for my FI). What gives?
Post # 3
I have to add that when we do hang out or call each other, I don’t bring up wedding stuff unless they ask me or it’s necessary (for example, roles during ceremony), because I want to be sensitive to their feelings. I’m not really a wedding obsessed bride (vows aside, I am really excited about the vows we’ve written), I get sick of being asked about the wedding and the planning all of the time, so I welcome the break from wedding talk.
Post # 4
First of all, congratulations on getting your Master’s! That’s a huge accomplishment! Good for you!
I’m in a very similar situation. My single friends have pretty much dropped off the face of the earth. They were all excited for me when I got engaged, and have slowly withdrawn. I graduated from college in April, and they weren’t there to celebrate with me or were even excited for me at all. Many of my friends have taken forever to RSVP to the wedding. Some have declined, others I’m still waiting to hear back from (and my RSVP deadline was last week). Fiance is having the same issues with his friends.
I’ve talked to married couples I know, and from what I’ve heard, this is fairly common. Some single friends decide to withdraw, and with marriage, you do wind up other friends. I don’t know if single friends decide on their own that they have nothing in common with you anymore, or what all happens. It’s frustrating, I know. This is a time where I want to be surrounded by my friends and family to celebrate such an exciting day, and it’s hard when certain individuals choose to not be a part of it.
Post # 5
Well they are single and you have other obligations… that said sometimes Fi and I plan nights that are ours. Call up your girls and hit the bar… you can be their wing woman for awhile. You will have fun and heh maybe one of them won’t be single anymore. Just remember they don’t always want to talk about the wedding. also try and remember what you did before you and Fiance were engaged. What activities can you still share with them? Have thought perhaps they are worried that they have lost you?
Post # 6
I think single friends withdrawing during the period of an engaged friend’s impending nuptials is a common occurrence. It’s hard to see your friends have it all together while you’re still trying to figure it out. Maybe give them some space, and then invite them over / go out for dinner and drinks and discuss THEM and ONLY THEM. I think it’s commendable that you actively do not discuss wedding stuff with them to avoid hurt feelinks.
Post # 7
Not all single people withdraw because their friend “has it all together” but they do not. In my case, I withdrew from a friend a couple years after she got married because we were closer than best friends and her husband plopped right down in the middle of our relationship to the tune of listening and commenting on our conversations about my private business, wanting to show up to nail appointments and then coming between me, her and Prince (the singer).
I figured he had to be her best friend and instead of me making a problem for their marriage, I’d bail out. As for a couple other friends it happened with, I wasn’t into babies and diapers and pizza nights. If I wasn’t dating someone else, I wanted to be out where I could meet men to date. You can’t really do that with someone’s wife. The nature of the relationships just change and if you don’t want to be best friends with the husbands, you have no choice but to distance yourself. I did not love every guy my friends would choose to marry, but that friend was making that person a permenant fixture in my life. People do have to be aware that not everyone loves a person’s spouse. I’m very particular about who I let in my world like that.
Friendships are like flowers that grow in season and wither and die when the time comes. But you’ll see more or different flowers in the next season.
Post # 8
My best friends before my wedding continue to be my best friends now that I am married. Those that are single go out bar hopping with other single friends…sometimes I join in without my Darling Husband and sometimes with my Darling Husband.
As a group we still vacation with those single friends as well. I guess my single friends are confident/comfortable with their own lifestyles and don’t feel that my relationship with my Darling Husband doesnt somehow undermine our relationship.
To the OP – I’m really sorry your BF’s aren’t handling your impending marriage well. It’s really not fair to you since they aren’t giving you an opportunity to show them that you can manage being married and being a friend to them as well. I think I’d tell my friends that it breaks your heart that they are ending your friendship based on assumptions. I’d also tell them that while you appreciate their input, you are the only person who can determine what is best for you.