Post # 1
I am five months away from my wedding day and I’m quite disappointed and sad. My sister who is my maid of honor is not talking to me. I don’t know what is going on with her. She claims that she’s going through her own personal issues and wants me to leave her alone for the time being. It has been two months since we last spoke. She doesn’t respond to my text messages, emails or phone calls asking for her help or opinions about my planning process. Since I started planning she has not done much. I’ve never asked anything of her. All the little easy tasks I’ve asked her to do (such as search for affordable florists and bakers) she just put on the back burner, so I ended up doing them myself. My other bridesmaids have been beyond helpful and supportive and I’m thankful for them. Recently, they started discussing locations and logistics for my bridal shower. They’ve contacted my sister over and she doesn’t reply. The only thing my sister tells me that’s upsetting her is that ber best friend got another job overseas and has left the country. She doesn’t have a boyfriend, so her best friend is all she has. But I guess she’s taking it really hard (I don’t know why!) I feel that she’s been extremely selfish and uncooperative. I have even thought about just cutting her out of the bridal party, although I know that might make things worse between us. However, at this point she is just dead weight (sorry I don’t mean to sound like a b*tch). She doesn’t contribute anything (ideas, comments, opinions, etc.) She doesn’t even participate with discussions. It’s like she doesn’t care about my wedding at all! This is particularly disappointing because she’s my own sister! I don’t know what I should do. Should I just let her be a part of the party, since she is my sister, even though it is making me extremely unhappy? Or should I talk to her and tell her it’s not working out and I need people in my party who are truly there for me? This is so frustrating!
Post # 3
First of all, you’re definitely not alone – many MOHs and BMs don’t live up to the bride’s expectations. If I were you, I would think about what your expectations are and if they were ever made clear to your sis.
I personally don’t expect anything from my BMs except buying their dresses and showing up. One of them has been incredibly helpful and asked to be involved in planning – designing some stationery, calling up potential hotels, offering opinions. She also ended up offering to throw my shower. Other bridesmaids have been involved to a much lesser extent. But I don’t blame them or get upset at them – the one girl happens to be interested in wedding/event planning, and the others aren’t as interested or don’t have enough time. I don’t equate not being involved in my wedding with not caring about me.
I would also note that looking for cheap but nice bakeries and florists are not small tasks – they’re a significant part of wedding planning, which it’s sort of unfair to push off on someone else unless they want to help. I know I spent a LONG time looking for a reasonable florist – it was completely frustrating and nothing I would ask anyone else to do. The other expectations you have, like planning a shower, are more traditional, but again, did you ever tell your sister “I assume as Maid/Matron of Honor, you would be in charge of the shower and bachelorette” and did she ever agree to that?
I think before thinking about her as dead weight, you two could talk about mutual expectations and agree what the Maid/Matron of Honor role should consist of. Then, you can both decide whether she wants to be in that role.
Post # 4
I agree with GirlWithARing, I think you need to have a clear discussion with her about your expectations. I have been having Maid/Matron of Honor issues as well and I am only 6 weeks out from my wedding, but I never expected my Maid/Matron of Honor to find me a florist or a baker. The only things I have requested of her were to see my dress and come with me to my hair appt (neither of which she agreed to do). It sounds like you had pretty high expectations for what your MOH/sister should be doing, but I wonder if you communicated those expectations thoroughly enough?
Also, it might be helpful to try to put yourself in her shoes right now. She is going through an emotional time with her “person” leaving the country. Maybe that is something that’s weighing a bit heavier on her mind than your wedding because it is happening right now, and your wedding is 5 months away?
Post # 5
Thanks girls, for giving me a new perspective on this. I’ve communicated to my sister that my only expectations are for help with making decisions, etc. I told her I’ll even plan my own shower, although another bridesmaid insisted that I let her plan it. My sister works for an event planning firm, so to employ her skills and her database in search of a good florist or baker wasn’t exactly a huge task. I told her I won’t need her help manual labor. I did all my DIY projects on my own (I’ve wrapped 200 mini boxes, tied 200 bows, decorated two dozen vases all by myself) I was really shy about asking my girls to do manual labor, so instead I rented a bunch of movies and spent many weekends doing them.
Regarding my bachelorette, my sister first volunteered to be the one to plan it, but now she says she doesn’t have time (even though it won’t be until August)… so another bridesmaid of mine stepped up to the plate and has decided to take over.
I guess the main thing that bothers me is the fact that since she’s my sister she should be the main person who is providing me with moral support through all this. Instead, she is indifferent about everything and can’t even give me the courtesy of returning my phone calls, text messages and emails.. even when I’m contacting her about other stuff that are non-wedding related. She’s been avoiding me like the plague!
And S292010 – you’re right, maybe she thinks that since my wedding is 5 months away she doesn’t have to worry about it right now. Another thing is that she’s young–she’s only 22. So maybe I made a mistake giving her the role of Maid/Matron of Honor because she’s obviously displaying a lack of maturity to act as a supportive MOH?
I don’t know. I’m really unhappy with the way she’s behaving.