Post # 1
My sister asked me to be her wedding coordinator.
And I’m having a really hard time with this. She was in my wedding as a bridesmaid. And she asked two college friends, her FI’s brother’s wife, and an old coworker to be in the wedding party. She kept saying how she didn’t want a big bridal party. Well, I don’t see how 4 is different from 5, which is what I had.
She said it’s because “no one can plan like I can,” and “she wouldn’t be able to trust anyone else like she can trust me with the most important day of her life.” I also think its because the bridesmaid dresses are from JCrew, and their bridesmaid dresses don’t go up to a size 24.
And the worst part is that she didn’t even tell me to my face. She did a “cutesy” thing: she sent a box to my house, in which were two balloons and a sign saying “Will you be my wedding coordinator?”
She said she would buy me a pretty “designer” dress, but what coordinator wears a pretty dress to a wedding? That is just waiting for a disaster.
She should have asked me to my face. And if she had offered to pay me, I would be less insulted and hurt. But as it is, I have to do it. If I don’t, then I’m the bad guy in this situation.
At least I don’t have to pay for the bridal shower and the bachelorette.
Post # 3
Aw! I’m sorry to hear you’re so sad and upset over this.
She probably meant well and knows what a big job it is to handle all the coordination the day-of. Does she want you to help with wedding planning also?
I don’t think she would have asked you to help with such a big task unless she knew she could trust you to do it. All a bridesmaid needs to do these days is show up.
If you really don’t feel comfortable taking it on, just say you wouldn’t be able to handle it and look forward to attending her wedding as a guest. You wouldn’t be the “bad guy” in that!
Post # 4
@Anise: Haha, I had a couple of those bridesmaids that just “showed up.” 🙂
I guess the part that I’m struggling the most with is that I feel like she doesn’t really love me as much as the rest of these girls. Because I would have done all the coordination and planning ANYWAY, even as a bridesmaid. I’m doing that for my BFF, and I’m her Maid/Matron of Honor.
I know she meant well, and this is my own insecurity popping up. We were really, really close in high school, and then when I went to college, she stopped being my friend. I made life choices she didn’t approve of, and there were a few years when we barely talked. So now, our relationship is MUCH better. I though we were back to the point where we used to be, and now I’m second guessing everything.
Post # 5
I would be hurt as well and thinking long and hard about taking the job of being her wedding planner. All the hassle and none of the glory. Screw that!
Post # 6
I would politely decline. I think it’s a bit much hurting you by not asking you to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, and at the same time asking you to be an unpaid helper. If it’s about your size, that really stinks.
If you’re worried about being the bad guy, just say it’s too much work and you’re busy with your own life etc etc
Post # 7
I’m sorry! I can imagine how much that would hurt. Honestly, I wouldn’t want to coordinate my sister’s wedding. When she got married, I was so busy already saying hi to all of our mutual family and friends that I was almost as busy as I was at my own wedding. Maybe you can tell her something along those lines if you don’t want to do it.
Also, if situation this situation with a friend I would just deal with it and not say anything. But with my sister, I would definitely tell her the truth about being hurt. She’s my sister for life, neither of us are going anywhere ever, and she can handle the truth. It all depends on your relationship with your sister, though. You’re the only one that can figure out the right thing to do.
Post # 8
@rubyred605: Aw! If you feel your relationship is strong enough to handle the honesty, maybe you can ask her why she didn’t ask you to be a bridesmaid? Maybe say, “I was really surprised to receive your invite the other day; I was really hoping I would be a bridesmaid in your wedding and would have helped with the coordination in that role. I’d love to stand up with you and your Fiance on your special day together. May I ask why you invited me to be your coordinator and not a bridesmaid?”
Maybe there’s a silly reason like she wanted to have an “even” wedding party and her Fiance doesn’t have 5 good guy friends?
You’re definitely not the bad guy in this if you decline, even if she tries to make you out as one.
Post # 9
I think you are right to feel hurt. she must have known it would be a sore point because she didn’t discuss it with you first. She just sent the “cutesy” message. I would only accept the role of the coordinator if you are happy to put in all and that time and effort. But please don’t assume that she didn’t ask you because of your size. I know that when I am unhappy with my weight I blame it for EVERYTHING. Good luck – I hope it works out for both of you.
Post # 10
I will never understand why people think that asking a close friend or a sister to be an “MC”, “usherette” or a “coordinator” is equivalent to being in the wedding party.
Be up front with her – tell her that you’re disappointed you weren’t asked to stand up with her on her wedding day. Put her on the spot and see what she says…I hope she can be honest with you and you guys can openly discuss whatever the issue might be.
Post # 11
I would find some way to decline. You could use the excuse that you want to ENJOY her wedding vs. work her wedding.
I offered to coordinate for a friend’s wedding and it was the most exhausting thing ever. I decided then that I would gladly help a friend of a friend but would never coordinate for a wedding I actually wanted to witness/experience. And, even after that, I helped another friend for her post-church reception, figuring I could still enjoy the ceremony and attend the 2nd reception, but even still that was too much running around as a guest who wanted to experience and enjoy the event.
p.s. I just noticed your location – I would TOTALLY help! 🙂
Post # 13
I would politely decline. It sounds like your sister wants to have her cake and eat it too, at your expense.
Whatever her reasons, she’s asking you to play a huge, behind-the-scenes role in your wedding but she’s not willing to honor you as a bridesmaid. That’s not cool. Planning a wedding is hard, almost a full time job (as I’m sure you know). You don’t just ask someone to be your wedding coordinator without prior discussions. Its presumptuous and a bit selfish. Good luck dealing with this situation; I hope it goes well. Hugs!
Post # 14
Thank you bees! I talked to my mom, and I decided that if my sister wants to be surrounded and supported by these girls, there is not much I can do about it. I don’t want to ruffle feathers, and I don’t want my sister to feel like she has to include me.
But I’ve also decided that I’m done trying to be her friend. I have tried so hard over the past two years to be a good friend to her, but she apparently does not want my friendship. I invite her to things, I’ve tried to have her over for dinner, but she always declines. So I will just move on.
@oracle: I’m tempted to take you up on that! Sidenote, I’ve been thinking it would be fun to have an LA meetup, but the LA boards are just not that active!
Post # 15
@rubyred605: ((HUGS)) So sorry you’re having to deal with this situation, I know that stings. At least you know in your heart you’ve done the best you can do with her. I really wish you all the best.
Post # 16
@rubyred605: I completely understand what you are going through. My sister and I are close in age and were always very close. A few years ago we had a huge blowout and only in the last few months have we started to repair the relationship. I asked her to be a BM in my wedding as a way to start repairing things. Well, she is engaged now and I’m not in the wedding.
I was hurt, embarassed, angry, etc. But in the end I realize I can only do so much. I love her, I want her to be happy, but I can’t bend over backwards for her anymore. And it’s the same way with you and your sister.