(Closed) My sister is not happy for me whats so ever and shes my MOH

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
699 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

It’s totally reasonable to be annoyed. Honestly, I think she is just jealous. In her mind she is probably thinking "I have been with my bf longer and I should be the one getting married." She is probably ready to get married and try to think of it as that, and not that she isn’t happy for you, etc.

Hope things start to turn around for you soon!

Post # 4
6009 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Oh, it’s too bad that your sister can’t even fake being happy for you.  Especially since she’s your MOH!  Is this an older sister?  I wouldn’t be surprised if she is jealous, just like littlebear said.  She has been dating her bf longer than you and your Fi have been together and it looks like they’re farther away from marriage.  If she’s an older sister, some resentment might also be coming from the fact that her little sis is tying the knot before she is.

I think it’s totally ok to be upset about this, but I don’t think you should ask her to step down as Maid/Matron of Honor.  She is your sister, after all, and you’re still going to have to have a relationship with her once this wedding is over.  Maybe you could try backing off of the wedding talk with her for a while?  I’m sure your other bms/friends would LOVE to gossip over details and planning.  Hopefully, she will come around before the wedding, but if she doesn’t, you could always sit down with her for a heart-to-heart.  Explain that this is such an important step in your life and you really need your sister’s support and love.  Hopefully, if you take the limelight off of your wedding and put the focus back onto expanding/strengthening your relationship with your sister, things will get better.  Good luck!

Post # 5
235 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

This might sound like a horrible idea – but could you talk to her boyfriend about it?  Ask him if he’s planning to propose, and if he can talk to her about a timeline for it, because then she will know that it will be coming, and maybe then she’ll stop acting so sullen.  

I think she might be jealous but its more likely that she is resentful – she thinks that because you’ve been engaged for two years, and are getting married in 8 months, maybe she thinks that her boyfriend doesn’t want to steal your thunder and is going to wait until after your wedding.  This would make it your fault that she’s not engaged.

I think you should also talk to your sister – you should tell her that you want her to be your maid of honor, and that you need her input – and that if she isn’t up to the task, you would like to give that honor to somebody else.  She might be okay with that – I know when my pre-engagement anxiety reached its highest height, I would have cried if somebody had asked me to be her Maid/Matron of Honor when they had started dating after we did.  (It sounds horrible and selfish and petty now, but that’s the reality.)  I think you may need to recognize that she is probably going through a fairly difficult period in her own relationship, if you think jealousy really is a factor.  It is really tough to be waiting for a proposal and have to be happy for somebody else – she may not be up to it. 

Post # 6
2324 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I know I’m in the minority, but instead of getting annoyed with her and thinking about how this is all affecting you, why not put yourself in her shoes and talk to her about how she is feeling. She’s your sister, she’s probably a little jealous and a lot bummed out. Your wedding is just a day {or two/three}, but your relationship with your sister isn’t worth throwing out just to have somebody trail after you at a bridal show. 

Post # 7
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2007

I sort of agree with Kate. Though I think it’s very sad that your sister can’t be happy for you on her own, maybe talking to her about everything will help. Just let her know that you need her as a sister right now, not as the jealous person she’s been acting like. Tell you that you understand that it’s tough for her to see you go through what she wishes she were going through, but her time will come and it will be all about her. Hopefully, a one on one will help her come out of her funk.

Good luck!

Post # 8
380 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I definately think there is some jealousy and/or resentment there. I think a heart to heart is a good way to go. Maybe start off by asking her if anything is wrong, how work is, life with the Boyfriend or Best Friend and maybe let her know you noticed she’s been kind of upset and go from there.

Post # 9
700 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

And I wouldn’t think of it as "dethroning".  I would think it’s a totally feasable option to tell a wedding party that maybe it just won’t work out for them to be part of the wedding.  There are reasons for this all the time, and it doesn’t need to be a break in a relationship.  Maybe it’s just for the best. 

Post # 10
2641 posts
Sugar bee

Of course she has some jealousy issues.  In a perfect world, she would be simply happy for you.  I think deep dwon she is.  And if she was already married, I think you would be having a completely different expereince with her right now.  But  I think her feelings are pretty common for her situation.

I agree with what Kate said.  Maybe if you take the time to tell her you understand how bummed she is, and you wish you could be helping her plan a wedding to, that might deflate some of the anger that she’s expressing.  SOmetimes it helps just to know someone gets you.  She probably feels overwhelmed feeling like she is supposedto simply be happy for you, while she’s trying to deal with her true feelings.  And either she tells herself, or someone else is telling her she’s be selfish by not simply being happy for you.  It’s hard.  I think many people would feel that way, in her shoes.

With that said, I don’t think it’s OK to try to rain on your parade, or bring down your good mood.  If she would truly feel better getting out of the Maid/Matron of Honor position or being in the wedding at all, that’s fine.  But I wouldn’t suggest it to her… if being in the wedding is something she wants to do (even if she’s having a hard time right now.)  I don’t think it’s a good idea to make her feel worse than she already feels.  Not to mention, you probably don’t want to start a fight with your own sister.  I think if she does want to be Maid/Matron of Honor, leave her there, and try to enlist the help of the BMs who want to rally around you.

 Good luck.

Post # 11
89 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Perception is reality!  Perhaps there’s something she is upset about (i.e. you’re stealing her thunder) that may seem completely rediculous to you, but valid to her.  Also, she may not even know that you are hurt by this.  I agree with Kate.  You should talk to you about the way you are feeling.  your wedding is just one (very wonderful) day, but your sister is your sister forever 🙂

Good luck!

Post # 13
232 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

sisters are sisters – and that’s that.  my sister and i didn’t get along for so many years, and now we are closer than ever.  please keep your sis as your Maid/Matron of Honor.  life is long (god willing) and you will be happy that your sister was your Maid/Matron of Honor.  talk to her about the stuff you feel – she may surprise you.

Post # 14
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I’m sorry that you are in such a difficult position!  But as other posters noted, it is quite hard for someone to be in a long term relationship without a ring and see their friends and relatives get married.  You should not formally ask your sister to step down as Maid/Matron of Honor, since it will destroy your relationship.  But you should try to rely upon your bridesmaids more instead.  Ask them to attend events with you instead of your sister.  That way you can get the support you need without creating disruption in your family.  But keep in mind that it can be very hard to rally up support for a wedding that is so far away.  

Post # 15
521 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I just looked at your date… there’s a strong possibility that it’s a mix of 2 things.  1. I’m really not one to throw the jealousy card often, and I think it’s massively overused, but I do think that your sister could be jealous.  It must be really difficult to be in a long term relationship and see your own sister go from single to married before you even got a proposal.  To ask her to step down would add massive insult to injury, and it would destroy your relationship with her.  I know where you’re coming from, my sister/MOH isn’t too into the wedding right now either, and it kind of hurts, but then I stop and think about what’s going on in her life: HS senior, AP/IB exams, college decisions, graduation, etc.  She’s busy too, and she’ll get into it on her own time.

2.  It probably also has to do with the length of your engagment and the proximity to the wedding.  I got engaged 2 years ago, and we got immediate excitement about it, but then most people cooled off about it, since the wedding was so far away.  Now that we’re about 2.5 months out, people are starting to get excited again, because it’s actually coming up on their radar now.  Just give it some time.

Post # 16
17 posts
  • Wedding: March 2010

Well, I can totally related because I know exactly how you feel:

Leaning towards having no MOH…is that a bad idea??

But, I haven’t asked my friend to be my Maid/Matron of Honor yet, and she’s just my friend, not my sister.  Blood is thicker than water.  That said, I think you should talk to your sister about what’s bothering her first and why her actions are bothering you… For example, "I really wish you’d come dress shopping with me…I really value your opinion and it hurts my feelings when you keep not showing up." and see what she says.

I really hope y’all work it out!! 

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