- 6 years ago
- Wedding: May 2016
jillbean1217: I had my son at 20. I was a rather toxic person myself and lived very recklessly. My son definitely straightened my ass out. It wasn’t easy and it sure wasn’t always sunshine and rainbows. But I fully believe that he happened for a reason. My mom wasn’t pleased and it took my family a while to make peace with it, but once that baby was here, no one cared how he got here, they were just too in love with him to give it a second thought. It will be hard but try and remember that out of all the hardship and chaos that will probably come from this will also come your new niece or nephew and I promise you that will be a little piece of happiness in all of the mess that this looks like right now.
Maybe she needs reassurance that you and the family would be 100 % there for her if she did decide to terminate. A lot of people do not terminate even though they want to because they feel the will be judged or they feel very guilty for not wanting the baby right now. Maybe also focus on the fact that if she does decide to not have the baby she will have a chance to have a child again when she is ready, and hopefully at that time she will be in a better place with a guy who will be a better father.
Babies do straighten people out sometimes but your sister should not have a child hoping that will happen. That is a large burden on a baby to be used as a tool to get your life sorted out.
If she does have this baby she is not only affecting herself but everyone around her, all I can say is this is not a good situation of all involved 🙁
She’s probably terrified. I’m 21 right now, engaged, living in my own house, basically have my life together, but I’d still flip my shit if I got knocked up. I’m not ready. Just try to be supportive of her and let her know the pregnancy doesn’t make her a bad person. I don’t think a pregnancy will steal your wedding thunder, because whereas you are having a joyous occasion, her pregnancy is not necessarily all happy. No one is too happy to see a 19 year old get pregnant, that’s a lifelong commitment.
Same thing happened with my friends sister a few years ago. 19, no job, shitty boyfriend, living with parents. Everyone thought it would end so horribly (including me.)
Now her daughter is almost 4, and she is the best mom. Completely changed her life around.
Hopefully that happens with your sister as well (if she decides to keep it.)
I agree that this might help her wake up!! I had a friend that got pregnant our senior year, she was WILD. When she told me she was pregnant, I had to question who the father was, but having that baby was the best thing that could have ever happend to her. She grew up so much and is now one of the best moms I’ve been around. Her baby is 4 now and she’s been married to the baby daddy and divorced, but now she’s married to a wonderful man and I couldn’t imagine her life any way differently. Hopefully, this will make your sister change for the better!
With that said, I also know people who got pregnant our senior year and don’t give a shit about their kid. It could go either way. Hopefully it’s the former for yall! Good luck!
To pp who say that if the sister didn’t bring up her options, they shouldn’t be discussed, I respectfully disagree. If OP and her family are to help out, they have the right to present and support all options equally and respectfully.
Apparently the sister didn’t know about BC, so it’s feasible that she didn’t know about abortion and adoption either.
While the OP has clarified that the sister is aware of her choices, I don’t understand what’s wrong with educating people about their choices.
Thanks for your support ladies! I’m about to post an update below!
Last night my middle sister, Nina, came over to talk about Tracy’s situation. Nina is about 20 months older than Tracy, so their relationship is a lot different than ours. Nina has the grace of youth to be able to say whatever she wants, and Tracy talks more freely with her. Apparently when Tracy came to Nina and told her she was pregnant, she asked her if they had been using protection, and she confessed that they hadn’t. Actually, I believe the conversation went something like “Were you guys using protection?” “Nina! Stop! Oh my god, that is so awkward.” “Well, were you?” “I mean, not really. No. This is so freaking awkward.” “You know what else is awkward? Having a baby come out of your vagina.”
She also told Nina that she is upset that people aren’t excited about the baby, and said the worst thing about this whole situation is that now she’s going to get fat.
yeah. Nina and I have both struggled with our weight our entire lives and Tracy has always been very thin. It kills me that this is what she is worried about. Not, you know, finding a place to live and getting a stable job and making sure that her shit is in order. No, she’s just worried about the fact that she’ll gain weight.
She also told Nina that she thought maybe she would announce her pregancy to her dad by having her stepmom (who knows that she is pregnant) fill her stocking with baby things and stuff that says “Number One Grandpa”.
She’s out of her damn mind, seriously.
Meanwhile, her boyfriend has apparently been getting lots of mysterious “DJ GIGS” last minute, and she can’t go because she’s underage (well, so is he, but since he’s part of the entertainment, I guess he’s allowed in). I’m not so sure he’s not using this time to meet up with other girls, especially given his past infidelity. I also found out that her boyfriend hasn’t told a single member of his family yet.
The whole thing is just so freaking infuriating.
Tracy is the kind of person who loves drama and wants to make herself out to have a sob story at every turn. An example of her dramatics–she dropped out of high school and continued to live at my mom’s and work. She is an emotional terrorist and a bully. When she gets angry, she will say anything that comes to her mind. She’ll throw things and get physically violent (although I do have to give her credit–that has stopped for the most part over the past few years). My mom put a lot of rules into place once Tracy turned 18. She could continue to live there, but my mom would not allow her horrible behavior to continue. One night they got into a huge fight because Tracy didn’t like my mom’s boyfriend, and she called our mother a whore. My mom told her she wasn’t going to put up with her abuse, and that she had to leave. She gave her time to find an apartment and everything else, but she stuck to her guns. Tracy then turned around and told everyone that because she dropped out of high school, my mom threw her out of the house and she had no where to go, etc etc. They’ve since repaired their relationship, and Tracy is back at the house because she couldn’t hack living on her own.
Now there’s this. Apparently Tracy made a doctor’s appointment for next Tuesday. Her boyfriend is “pretty much booked through January” according to her, so she’s going alone. We all offered to go with her, even though they’re just doing the confirmation blood test and getting back ground information. She responded with “No, it’s okay, I can do this all alone.”
I’m just afraid this is another episode in the Tracy the Trainwreck Biopic. I’ve had conversations with my mom already about how she probably needs to start therapy now so that she can set some firm and hard boundaries. As much as I hate to say it, I can see Tracy and her boyfriend walking all over my mom once the baby is here. I want to do everything I can to prevent that. My mom was a damn good mother growing up, although she had her flaws, like everyone else. She worked two jobs to make sure that me and my sisters could go to private school and have the opportunities that she didn’t have. She would do anything for any of her kids, and the thought of Tracy manipulating her is already making me angry.
Does anyone have any suggestions in that regard?
As for protecting your mom… I agree that your sister needs to begin talking with someone, whether that be a therapist, a life coach, a priest (not my first choice, but to each their own) or whomever. See needs to have someone help her process this huge change in her life and figure out a game plan to make it as positive for herself (and especially the baby) as possible. Additionally, she needs to have a good doctor for pre-natal care and begin looking for a good pediatrucian to insure the best scenario for the baby. Though she thinks she can go it alone medically (and she is 19, so technically she can) these appointments can be overwhelming, it may be best if you or someone else does go with her.
Then your mom has to set some very hard and fast rules for how things will go if she is to continue to live with her (it seems like she has done this with success in the past). So much of the pressures will be financial–that needs to be discussed at length, this is not your mom’s baby and it should not be her financial burden either. Jobs, child care, and housework responsibilities should all be discussed and agreed upon.
Most importantly, there needs to be a plan for the role of the father. In the event that the relationship doesn’t last, what will your sister do? There needs to be a plan for custody/child support both immediately and in the future. A good family lawyer or at least child advocate could be really helpful here (there are free and reduced legal services available that your sister can look into).
Sorry, that got long. I wish you all the best of luck–situations like this are hard but with the right preperation it can be ok in the long run.
Sounds like your sister needs to move out and spread her wings if she is grown up to have this baby she is grown up to first take care of herself.
I think having this illusion that she will have this baby and everything will be unicorns and rainbows because everyone will be there to pick up where she faults is not doing her any favors.
She is more than willing to have this baby because if she fails who cares because she has seen that if she doesn’t follow through your mother is there to take over. Your mother is already raising two kids that were an after thought. I feel so bad for all these kids involved 🙁
Kids need healthy boundaries. They need to know that they can fail and recover of their own merits and learning abilities. Resilience and growth attitudes can spell success.
I’m concerned about your youngest sister’s attitude and how there’s a fine line between support and enablement. Unfortunately, in approx. 9 months, there’s going to be a tiny innocent child who will bear a disproportionate brunt of the consequences of his/her mother’s poor judgement.
Your mom and other sister sound amazing but your mom has already set the bailout precedent. Perhaps your sister will step up if she finds some internal motivation.
My thoughts are with you and your family, if they are helpful or comforting for you!
Edited to add: My mom doesn’t have full custody of my cousin’s kids. She has emergency custody and a hearing next month. I think it’s doubtful the court will grant permanent custody to her, but I guess we’ll see what happens.
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