(Closed) My sister used to be my best friend. (REALLY long sorry)

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
7556 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

I can understand where you’re coming from, but what you said to her sounds like it was out of anger and judgement. It makes sense that she’s mad at you, I would be too. It’s not your place to be her parent, you should be her friend. If I were you, I would apologize for your mean words and tell her that you’re concerned and would like to help.

Post # 5
1406 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

My parents are so scared to say or do anything wrong because what if she has a another episode? So they choose NOT to parent.

Post # 6
1406 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Stupid bee ate my post…

I was saying your sister has been legal for 6 years now so your parents shouldn’t have to parent her anymore.

And then I wrote a bunch of other stuff….

Sounds like the relationship with your sister isn’t going to get better…at least for now.  She might mature after the kid….I’ve seen it happen.  Just don’t expect overnight results.

It’s not the kid’s fault either.  Try to concentrate on being an aunt.  Help when possible (financially/emotionally) as much as you can/want to.  I did that with my ex-SIL…she was awful, but her kid was great.  I did everything I could for him but never gave HER money or volunteered to babysit while she partied it up….babysitting on a Sat. so she could go shopping in peace, attending all his games, school functions…yep, did that! 

Decide now the boundaries for how much you will give….I promise it will be easier when these situations come up again. 

Post # 7
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

You start off with the problem you guys have with the baby shower. Don’t make a massive issue out of her refusal to have it on a certain date. Why this problem is top of your priorities anyway is so strange when they have bigger issues to deal with.

Secondly why your parents have allowed her to just get herself pregnant to another asshole is beyond me and why on earth is she still living with them anyway? She has obviously been spoiled all her life and they now can’t or won’t make her stand on her own two feet.

My advice would be to stay out of it. This is something that your parents and sister must deal with. If they ask for your help, be there for them, but otherwise there’s nothing else you can do. 

Post # 8
1855 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

IDK, I can totally see why you’re mad. Especially when you’re almost a social worker. You probably feel somewhat compelled to help, or at least know what to do.

I guess what really matters at this point is whether or not the baby is safe under her care, and if she is capable of taking care of it. The baby is HER responsibility, not your parents’. If you feel like she can’t be trusted alone with Baby- then I would consider intervening and calling Social Services, or CAS. Having a case worker might force her to mature and keep on her toes.

Long story short, your sister sounds pretty (very) immature. It sucks, but she IS 24, and probably won’t change while her circumstances are like this (living with your parents, etc).

Post # 9
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Getting social services involved is not up to you, and will completely break your already fragile relationship with your family.

Staying out of THEIR business is the only safe course of action you can take. Let your parents and your sister know you are there for them if they need you, but otherwise remain impartial. Remember you now have your own marriage to think about now. 

Post # 10
172 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

This is a hard situation. Your sister is an adult and needs to be responsible for herself and her child. However, there really is not much you can do at this point. Your parents have taken care of her this long and it sounds like they don’t ask her for anything in return. She is of course not innocent but since she lives in their house, they are the ones who can really give her an ultimatium. I feel like FI’s sister was a bit like this (without the baby) when she was in her early 20s. She felt entitled and since she didn’t go to college but Fiance did and his parents gave him financial support for school she felt she should get the same. I was shocked when they bought her a new car and furnished her apartment to the tune of $20k because he got that support for college. She later decided to go back to school and had to take out student loans. Honestly, now she is 26 and seems to finally have grown up. She went through a string of partying, loser boyfriends and screw up priorities. She still expects her parents to do a lot for her, and they do but she is much more mature than just 2 years ago. For her it was the going back to school that made her financially responsible. Maybe for your sister, becoming a mom will help her to grow up and reevaluate her priorities. I think you can’t expect her to change overnight. Like a PP said, you need to determine how involved you want to be and keep your distance. Yes you care about her but, she is not your burden and should not hinder your happiness. I know this is a hard line to draw, especially because she was your best friend for so long but maybe giving her some distance now will do you both some good. 

Post # 11
515 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

No offense, but your sister sounds like a total loser. I’m sure you love her because she is your sister, but she has a LOT of growing up to do and it’s not really your job to deal with her BS. Your parents are enabling her. It’s them you need to have a talk with, not your sister. Seems like some tough love is called for. And if they want to continue raising a dysfunctional kidult… well, maybe you’re better off without them? I hesitate to advise anyone to cut family ties on a whim, but I also don’t see the point of maintaining relationships in which you don’t get anything beneficial out of it or that is just outright toxic to you. I don’t know your situation well enough to say if that truly applies to you or not, but it’s something to think about.

Post # 12
2874 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

people have covered the ‘time for tough love’ /stop enabling her aspects pretty well, so i thought id just add this: You mentioned being worried he might abscond with the baby. As someone who lives in Mexico, i can say its incredibly strict about entering the country with a minor (at least via airports, may be feasible to simply cover the baby with a blanket and drive across but unlikely)

This is because Mexican law requires that if only one parent is accompanying a minor under 18 into Mexico, they must bear a notarized letter from the child’s other parent (or guardian) granting permission to enter Mexico with the child, including the dates of travel, the accompanying adult’s name, contact information, and a notarized signature. Exceptions are if someone legally has sole custody, so no, he cant take the baby and run off back to mexico. There are even security checks within mexico if you are crossing state lines/want to get on a plane with a child. They actually take it a lot more seriously than they do other laws!

so hope that sets your mind at rest!

Post # 14
4801 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I have family members like this, so I totally get how annoying and aggravating it is to watch them just take advantage of everyone, not want to do anything for themself, be in total denial about the fact that they need to grow the eff up, etc.

That being said, I do think you owe her an apology for calling her a brat and for getting rude with her about the fact that many family members aren’t coming to the shower. A half hour is not far away, and I totally understand her being hurt about the fact that they’re not willing to take one day, and an hour worth of driving, to come to the shower. If your aunts and grandmas who lived a half hour away didn’t come to your wedding shower because it’s just too inconvenient – even though it’s just a half hour drive and they don’t have plans that day, you’d be hurt.

It is not your responsibility or your place to be giving her ‘tough love’, and even if it were, calling her a brat is not the way to accomplish that. She is in for a rude awakening when she has her child, there will be natural consequences there that don’t require you to do anything. If she asks you to do somehting you don’t want to, just tell her no, since she hasn’t been appreciating it. And yeah, she owes you an apology too for her comments about the invites and such. But name-calling and basically telling her that of course no one wants to come to her shower was mean and uncalled for. You don’t need to call her and explain what you meant – I think you made your feelings and what you meant pretty darn clear in that conversation. Just because she is being childish doesn’t mean you should do the same, so be an adult and apologize for the name calling.

Post # 15
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I don’t think she’s ready to hear what you have to say right now – she’s too caught up in her own worries and drama. As hard as it is, I think you need to take a step back and let her be. She’ll work through her anxiety and immaturity in her own time. Don’t let her bad decisions in this stage of her life ruin your relationship as sisters. Sort of like the saying ‘you can be right, or you can be happy’. This one might not be so much about being right.

It would be the right thing to do apologize to her in the sense that you shouldn’t have lashed out in anger; you can explain you are frustrated over the situation and her seemingly lack of appreciation. Give her examples, like the invitations. But chances are, she’s just going to make excuses for her behavior; that’s part of the growing up she still has left to do.

It isn’t your job to be her parent; that’s your parents job. Let them do the worrying. Just let your sister know you love her, and you want to help, as long as she doesn’t take advantage of you. Tell her if she does continue to take advantage/be mean, that you’ll have to seperate yourself and do less. It is going to be some time, however, before she grows up and realizes the error of her ways. There really isn’t anything you can say or do right now to make that happen faster; it will happen in its own time.

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