(Closed) My sister wants to be in the Wedding Party. My fiance adamantly says "No way!".

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 31
Member
637 posts
Busy bee

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jtgarvey:  I don’t think your sister is being unreasonable in this case. My Future Sister-In-Law used to also treat me poorly (5 years ago, she was unhappy in her relationship and took it out on my happy relationship), but in the last two years turned a new leaf and now makes an effort to be nice. I would NEVER not include her in the wedding, she is family, and honestly, your sister is now (probably) going to resent your Fiance for being left out. How could that not hurt her feelings? 

Also, your Fiance cannot tell you that you aren’t actually friends with your sister. Just like you cannot force her to have your sister as a bridesmaid, she cannot tell you who you cannot have on your side. It’s just as much your day as it is your Fiance. 

I think the issue is your Fiance is still resentful of your sister’s past actions, and is trying to make a power move. I totally get these feelings, it’s really hard not to want certain things on your wedding day, i just think your Fiance needs to consider your feelings too. 

Post # 32
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Eek.  This is tricky!  I like a lot of what PP have already pointed out.  So, let me just remind you, you are marrying your fiance and not your sister.

I’m not trying to make this awkward, but more just pointing out that you are marrying this woman and you need to choose her above any other woman.  Even your sister.

If this were a female best friend or something, the responses on here would be way different.  But we get that a sibling is different and special.  Make sure you’ve made your wishes known and explained.  But again, choose to be on the side of your future wifey.  

Post # 33
Member
1301 posts
Bumble bee

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deedee2016:  The fact that the future wife is even making him choose is a problem. 

Post # 34
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

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beebee1983:  I agree.  But, I suspect he’s not looking for relationship advice per se.  If we all think he should break up with her because even though she’s mature and nice in person to his sister she doesn’t want her as part of the bridal party on their wedding day, then sure, we can say it shouldn’t be an issue…but it is. 

And it doesn’t sound like enough of a deal breaker to me.  I think sister is overstepping, personally.  But I have 5 siblings, and we would have called each other out on pulling a stunt like this.  So I guess I’m just imagining if it were my little sister!  And if my future wife felt like seeing her standing up front is such a big deal even after we talked it through, I’d tell sister, we’d love for you to do a reading and be part of our ceremony.  But our bridal party is what it is.  

Frankly, OP shouldn’t have let this continue to come up from sister after the original “reading” position was decided.

Now, his future wife sees the sister once again manipulating him.  Emotional manipulation to the point that she as the bride is being expected to change what was already agreed on.  

But again – I do agree that I don’t understand fiance’s perspective to begin with.  But it sort of doesn’t matter unless OP thinks this is some sort of dealbreaker.  If he’s still going to marry her, he needs to choose her.  

Post # 35
Member
4255 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

Your Fiance does not really sound all that caring at all.  Your sister shouldbe able to stand beside you if YOU want that.  It is not just your Fiance wedding.  And further more, saying awful things behind your sister’s back and calling her names is terrible behaviour for your Fiance.  She really should not feel so comfortable talking sh*t about her new family members imo.  

Post # 36
Member
701 posts
Busy bee

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jtgarvey:  I don’t think that “right” or “wrong” matters as much here as you and your bride being in agreement. If you are starting a life together, you need to come to a compromise as to how, if at all, your sister will be involved in the wedding. You and your bride need to be united in your decision, whatever it is.

That said, I am not sure of the right thing in this situation. I am an only child and I chose to include my SIL in my wedding party. No one forced me. We were not close then nor have we become any closer in the nearly 4 years since getting married, and I am not sure we will ever become close. She has been the source of a lot of family drama and resulting anger in the past (both before and since getting married) and I have no reason to think there may or may not be a repeat. I don’t trust that she feels the (pleasant) way she behaves…I’m not sure I can believe that everything is all good with us just because she’s acting like it is, or that she won’t start the next family war tomorrow. The most important thing is that Darling Husband and I are on the same page, no matter what. We need to have each others’ backs 100% of the time.

Post # 37
Member
1862 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Yeah your Fiance sounds like an asshole. I think you are trying way too hard to make out like she is kind and thoughtful when it’s obvious she’s not. 

Stop being such a doormat and tell your Fiance your sister is in your bridal party. 

ETA: One of your reasons to have your sister is so your bride(zilla) ‘looks better’ to your family. Sounds to me like they already, shockingly, don’t like her and you are trying to change the general opinion on her. Good luck with that. 

Post # 38
Member
410 posts
Helper bee

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thumperbear:  nailed it!

OP I wouldn’t be marrying someone who called my family vicious names, demonstrated hatred and described our friendship as gross. 

You’re preoccupied with trying to make this girl look good, i promise, if this is her MO, nobody is going to buy it 

Post # 39
Member
1119 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

Have your sister stand on your side. 

 

When I tried to justify this with her, saying that she is my sister and my friend and thus can reasonably stand on my side, she told me that is gross and that siblings can’t be friends.”

With regard to the above statement… your fiance’s comment is rather rude and shitty, I mean WOW. I think she needs to reevaluate the meaning of family and understand where family falls with importance to you. She may not understand what it is like to have a sibling, but she has no right to tell you that. Be friends with your sister and have her stand on your side. Your fiance should not have a say in who stands on YOUR side if you don’t have a say in who stands on HER side. 

Post # 40
Member
233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I had my brother on my side, as well as my sister and bridesmaids although only he and my sister stood up at the altar with me. Last night I was looking through my wedding photos for the first time since the photographer first sent them and it made me so happy to have had my brother up there beside me. It’s just the three if us so I don’t know if he’ll ever be a best man for any of his friends so he was like mine.

If you want your sister on your side, have her there. It’s fine for your fiance to decide she doesn’t want your sister in her bridal party, but it’s not fine for her to dictate who you have in yours.

Post # 41
Member
271 posts
Helper bee

I havevtwo brothers who got married when i was v young. it was really hard for me even thoigh i was happy for them. being in the wedding party was an important part of me accepting my brothers would now have a new highernpriority family of their own. it is cruel for your fiance to deny a sister a cgance to be in one of the parties.she is being selfish and immature and kinda acting like a high school mean girl. is she going to treat your family like this (lower down the list than friends) when she is your wife? if she doesnt move on this i would reconsider this person and whether she has your best interests at heart. the wedding is both of ur days!

Post # 42
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee

OP: from all you’ve written, it seems clear as day that your fiancé is bitterly jealous of your relationship with your sister. Your fiancé is trying to control your free will by bad-mouthing your sister. What’s more, because you love your fiancé, you are justifying and excusing her shitty, manipulative behaviour. 

Maybe your sister has acted in a certain way because she loves you and can’t stand to see you manipulated and controlled by your unreasonable fiancé? 

You need to put your foot down here- your fiancé is taking advantage of your kind and caring nature. Don’t let her control your life- you are meant to meet as equals. 

I don’t doubt your fiancé is a good woman, but her behaviour is unhinged. Especially the bad-mouthing stuff. She wants to control you and your activities to compensate for her own insecurities. Maybe some couples councilling might help here?

Post # 43
Member
9163 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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beebee1983:  

Yes, absolutely his fiancée ( fiancée everybody , sorry I have to say it ) is not doing well by forcing  a choice at this point.

OP, make a stand, you can have who you want on your side as she can  on hers, barring  abusive behaviour naturally, . That’s if you really DO want your sister to stand  up with you of course ……

Post # 44
Member
300 posts
Helper bee

I can see you having many similar arguments in the future… For example, I have no doubt that your Fiance won’t let your sister ie. babysit your kids one day (unless no one else can and she really needs a babysitter). She prefers her own family and seems insecure. You should put your foot down, it’s your wedding too. It’s already a bit out of the ordinary to have seven bridesmaids, why can’t you have your sister next to you? Makes me wonder if your Fiance is the bride in two other threads, written by the grooms sister… Similar selfish attitude.

Post # 45
Member
2109 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Wow your Fiance sounds HORRIBLE! She has an absolutely gross attitude towards both your sister and you. Yes, you. If she respected you, she would not forbid you from choosing your own wedding party members, nor would she be so awful about your sister, whom you are admittedly close to. Are you sure you want to marry her? She is going to forbid your sister from being in your life and she is going to forbid you from doing other things. I guarantee it, just give her time. She sounds entitled, immature, selfish, and nasty.

Don’t be a doormat. Stand up for yourself and tell her your sister WILL stand on your side. 

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