My sister wants to get married 1 month after me

posted 10 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Should my sister get married one month after me, even if she knows it hurts me?
    No, it's no big deal : (119 votes)
    71 %
    Absolutely! What is she thinking? : (49 votes)
    29 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    1896 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2009 - St. Thomas of Villanova Church & the F.U.E.L. House

    Mr. Bruschetta and I are facing a similar situation — with Future Brother-In-Law and FSIL’s wedding.  It’s not one month before or after, but still very close.  And no, there’s nothing we can do about it.  It stinks, but it’s just something we’ll have to deal with!  Hope it helps knowing you’re not alone in coping with an awkard — and yes, at times annoying — situation.  Try to find the silver lining, though: two sisters getting married in rapid succession sounds like a fun time for your family!

    Post # 4
    Member
    1356 posts
    Bumble bee

    I’m probably very jaded on this topic. When I got engaged, if one of my sisters had tried to pull this stunt, I would have been furious. I think my Dad may have been even more furious – since he would be putting money toward both! But…about a month after I got engaged, my sister got married without telling anyone. She ran off to Alabama and she and her boyfriend got married in a courthouse. None of us were invited. And she hasn’t talked to us since. So…part of me understands the frustration. But part of me wouldn’t mind if my sister’s had been a month later, especially if it meant I could have been there. So take it with a grain of salt. Things could be worse. 🙂

    Post # 5
    Member
    253 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2009

    The way your poll is worded is confusing, so I didn’t actually vote in it.  But I don’t think your sister is being "rude and inconsiderate" at all.  A wedding is ONE DAY.  You don’t get a month, or a week.  Really, I think you’re being rude and inconsiderate to your sister by asking her to delay her marriage for an extra month for no good reason except that you want more time to bask in your own glory.  Sorry to be harsh, but it really annoys me when people try to step on family members’ happiness and plans because they want more "me time."

    Post # 6
    Member
    80 posts
    Worker bee

    ditto @HL

    Post # 8
    Member
    2004 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2008

    Wow, I’m sorry you’re feeling so upset about this. 🙁 Hugs!

    Are your parents paying for or contributing toward both your weddings? If so, will you be getting less because they will be paying for your sister’s at the same time? I think that’s a little unfair to your parents and to you. Another month’s offset could make a big difference. Also, does your family live nearby? Is there anyone who will be unable to make the trip for two weddings in so short a time period? Do you not want to be her Maid/Matron of Honor because you worry you will be so busy planning your own wedding? Have you told your sister this and how has she reacted?

    Post # 10
    Member
    200 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2008

    I really think you sound somewhat selfish here. She is getting married and you should be excited for her as well. Since the montetary thing is going to be equal, I don’t see what you are getting so worked up about. Family will go to both weddings, they are not going to choose one over the other. If you are concerned about having the same bridesmaids perhaps your sister and you can deflect some of the costs of their gowns, shoes, ect. so that they will still be able to monetarily be there for you. Or if this doesn’t work for you, perhaps see if you can change your date to be a little sooner.

    Post # 11
    Member
    2022 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I normally feel that there should not be a monopoly on joy, BUT, under your circumstances I feel for you and agree that your sister should wait a few months.  I have friends who are sisters and got engaged a few months apart and sister 2 is waiting 6 months to get married after her sister. 

    Have you asked your sister to change her date?  When she initially set her date did you talk to her about the fact that it upset you?  What are your parents feelings?

    Post # 12
    Member
    2434 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2008

    My husband waited to propose until several weeks after my sister’s wedding to avoid any "attention stealing" (we really didn’t want to be at my sister’s wedding being the ones getting congratulated when it was my sister and BIL’s big day).

    The month before a wedding is super stressful- with your sister’s date close by, that will be 2 straight months of stress for your family- and you’ll be missing on your honeymoon for a good chunk of the 2nd month and unable to help.

    I know everyone says you only get a day, but I would lay money that a lot of conversations at your wedding will revolve around her upcoming wedding- since people are always full of questions.

    I agree with Chelsea about considering the need for people to travel to both.  What’s the likelihood that friends and family from far away are going to make 2 trips in a month for weddings (especially if they have to fly and especially given the state of the economy)?  And that doesn’t include bridal showers, and bachelor/ette parties.

    My mom is 1 of 5 children and 4 of them all got married in the same year.  They made sure everyone was at least 2 months apart so that one couple would be back from the honeymoon before the next couple’s bridal shower.  It worked out well and gave everyone a little breather in between events.

    I don’t think it’s a good idea to have the weddings so close because of all those reasons.  However, you’re going to get NOWHERE complaining about not getting enough attention or money- you’re just going to sound spoiled and selfish to your family (and probably lots of other people to).  (Really- imagine reading your post as an objective 3rd party… that’s probably what your family is seeing- not good! not productive!)

    I think your feelings are valid.  I would be through the roof angry if my sister pulled this kind of thing- and I would NEVER pull this on her.  However, if your goal is to get the wedding pushed back a month- don’t play the ‘I want my day, my attention, my monetary gifts" game.  Talk about logistics- costs, travel (for you and guests), etc.  It will probably get you further.

    However, I think you may have to work towards accepting this situation as is.  It doesn’t sound like your sister or any other family are agreeing with you.

    Sorry you’re dealing with this- it does stink, but try not to let it ruin your planning.  Good luck.

    Post # 13
    Member
    796 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2009

    I see why you are upset. Really, this is one of the many reasons I’m glad I have brothers instead of sisters, because I would be the exact same way – really mad. But, the truth is, you have to just let it go. She picked her date, she’s not going to change it, and other people’s comments are true…you don’t have any "right" to be upset about it (although it’s understandable that you are).

    I don’t think it would be out of line to say that she might need a second Maid/Matron of Honor, or to let her bridesmaids know that you will most likely be busy and might need extra help fulfilling your duties, and vice-versa.

    Post # 15
    Member
    177 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: August 2008

    In regards to the bridesmaids dresses, it just sounds like your sister is trying to be considerate to your/her bridesmaids.  I doubt people will even remember what dresses your girls wore.  It’s been mentioned before a lot, that guests don’t really pay the same kind of attention as other brides do.  If anything, they will remember that you did it first and that your sister is copying you.

    It seems that the financial drain on your family is coming mostly from you with all the travelling you and your family will be doing.  Just because your wedding and all related expenses are going to cost them a lot of money shouldn’t mean that your sister should wait.  It sounds like you’ll be emptying the family coffers before your sister has a shot at her share.

    Post # 16
    Member
    39 posts
    Newbee

    I personally don’t think it’s a big deal. Everyone get’s one day, even though it takes months of planning.  Where would your draw the line for an acceptable date for your sister to get married?  Would you be upset if she was getting married 8 weeks after you, two months, three months?  What if she decided to get married 2 months before you?  You kind of have to answer that question for yourself to decide if its really the date, the money or someone stealing your attention.   You seem to be upset that you sister knows that it hurts you, would you change your date for her if the situation was reversed?

     If money is really the issue then why don’t you do a small wedding and use the money from your parents to start your new life? Honeslty I would not bet on wedding money gifts to cover the true costs of a wedding. You are going to be very disapointed.

    Sorry if it’s not the answer you are looking for.  I do agree strongly with the comments that reguardless if it’s right or wrong you need to be the better person.  Just put it behind you and pretend it dosen’t bug you.  At the end of the day you want to enjoy this period and not let the drama consume your planning.  People, right or wrong are going to think you are a bridezilla if all you do is talk about this and bad mouth your sister.  I mean she is your sister after all!

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