(Closed) My sister wants to get married 1 month after me

posted 12 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Should my sister get married one month after me, even if she knows it hurts me?

    No, it's no big deal

    Absolutely! What is she thinking?

  • Post # 77
    Member
    2292 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2008

    Actually, if it was my sister, I would probably suggest a double wedding. I can’t think of anything more fun than sharing one of the most special days of my life with my sister.  We actually got engaged not long after the birth of her first child, and had the wedding on my niece’s birthday – complete with balloons and a birthday cake and the band playing Happy Birthday and 150 guests all singing.  I don’t see why it needs to be a competitive event – and I don’t see why your sister’s good fortune and your family’s joy over that should take away at all from their joy over your wedding.  But obviously my relationship with my sister is a little different than yours. 

    Here’s my best advice – the real craziness of wedding preparation mostly happens in the 30 days right before the wedding (or even in the two weeks right before the wedding).  Really, and don’t take this personally – you’re the only one who is consumed by it day and night for months ahead of time – trust me on that.  Even your sisters and mom and close friends and relatives are going to spend the vast majority of their time thinking about anything but your wedding – so they will have plenty of time to help out with your sister’s, without actually taking away from you.  And by 30 days after your wedding, it will pretty much be old news to all your guests and even to your family – who will go on home the next day and get right back to their lives.  So I don’t actually see how her wedding a month after yours interferes at all with your planning or execution.  It does mean that your family will probably have a bit of wedding fatigue by her day – as they will have just gone through it all with you – but if anything that’s a disadvantage for her, not for you.

    I agree that this is, if anything, a little hard on your guests – especially any who have to travel.  But if you don’t have a lot of guests who have to travel, maybe that’s not an issue. If travel (like it does for most of my family) consists of a couple hours drive, then it’s not really an issue at all.  But I agree that you’re likely to get farther, if you really want to make an issue of this, by talking about the logistics.  Otherwise you just come off as not wanting to share the spotlight, which is not an attractive position to be in, and will not likely get you a lot of sympathy.  If only because, as I said before, the spotlight is not really going to be on you anymore by that time anyway.

    Post # 78
    Member
    563 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2009

    Part of the issue may be that your wedding is scheduled for September.  If your sister doesn’t want to get married in the winter, then October is her only chance to do so without putting her wedding before yours.  Otherwise, she would have to wait almost half a year until spring, which seems a bit unreasonable. 

    Post # 79
    Member
    329 posts
    Helper bee
    • V
    • 12 years ago

    Cereza, I like you.

    I also agree, people who say that a wedding is just 1 day…are nuts! NUTS! They probably have wedding planners, lots of $ for their budget and lots of people working for them.

    I understand your frustration and I wish I could say something smart…like all the useless, emotional advice that gets you nowhere…but I can’t. All I can say it that for whatever reason your sister is doing this…IT IS DONE! the best way to come on top is to scream all the obscenities you want at her picture and try to move on.

    Now, bring your serene-happy-rainbows face forward. Your sister is only hurting her own wedding. By trying to complain about this situation to your family it only makes YOU look bad. They don’t get it. They will NEVER get it unless it happens to them. If you keep your cool you have a bigger chance to have more fun and maybe even more $.

    Everyone will compare her wedding to yours (another reason she’s nuts for wanting a wedding so soon) but EVERYONE remembers an angry bride. Don’t be the angry bride!

    Good luck!  

     

    P.S. For other readers. Not all family dynamics are ‘happy’…it’s unfair to compare a "hugs & kisses ALL the time sisterly bond" to "hey, what’s up. Whatever". Not all sisters are best friends. 

    Post # 80
    Member
    2004 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2008

    Suzanno is totally right about the bulk of wedding planning happening in the last 30 days. The bride might be obsessed from engagement day 1 right through the big day, but for any other involved parties, it doesn’t get zany until the very end. I think there will probably be time for both of you to get the personalized attention you crave.

    Regardless, your emotions are what they are. But instead of focusing on your sister’s wedding, which it seems you can’t change, maybe it would be better to address the wedding-oriented relationships you have with other family members. For example, when talk with your mom about your wedding, if she brings up your sister’s wedding you can say, "Mom, I’m really excited about my sister’s wedding, but it would mean a lot to me if we could focus on my wedding right now. I’m so excited for it and I really want to share my excitement about my wedding with you." Redirect the conversations before they have a chance to derail into talking about your sister’s wedding.

    And if you and your sister are taking on the same tasks at the same time (like finding vendors, dresses, etc.), then I would talk with her about your co-MOH duties. You can make an agreement that when you go out to wedding plan, you will exclusively focus on each other’s needs. So when you go dress shopping, for example, if your sister comes she has to agree not to look for dresses for herself and keep the focus on you, and when you go dress shopping with her, you have to do the same for her. She may not follow through perfectly, but at least you tried.

    Finally, if you can’t avoid sister-wedding comparisons despite these efforts, surround yourself with people who are not involved in your sister’s wedding or life. You must have plenty of your own friends who will be there to support you. Lean on them, supplemented by your family, and I hope you will really enjoy your engagement and wedding planning process.

    Post # 81
    Member
    765 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2008

    Hi ladies –

    I just wanted to step in and remind everyone that each member’s experiences, stress levels, and family dynamics are unique.

    There’s no need to jump each other’s case for expressing opinions.

    We’re all members of the community and should remember that it’s ok to agree to disagree.

    Thanks!

     

    Post # 82
    Member
    521 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2009

    I also agree, people who say that a wedding is just 1 day…are nuts! NUTS! They probably have wedding planners, lots of $ for their budget and lots of people working for them.

    I was one of the people that said that.  And you’re wrong on all three counts about me.  I don’t have a planner, I don’t have a lot of help, and I don’t have a huge budget.  I’m just realistic… it’s ONE day.

    Post # 83
    Member
    7052 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    This is the FRIENDLIEST place on the web for brides and I like it that way.  Thatt being said, I see her point and many other points made here too, but there are some difficulties this bride to be is facing because of a sudden decision on the behalf of her sister.  And the fact her parents don’t get to have a breather before getting financially hit again for helping with another wedding and the fact the economy stinks and guests will have to travel  not once but TWICE in a month is amazing to me.

    Lastly, I’d like to add, none of us can imagine what it is like unless we actually walked in her shoes.  I know some brides here have had similar situations and those opinions were great!  But just know, unless you’ve been in the hot seat like that, it’s hard to decide exactly how you’d handle it.

    Post # 84
    Member
    2640 posts
    Sugar bee

    Well I’ll hand it to you, Cereza, you win the hot topic award.  Over 80 posts in half a day.  Is that a record??

    1.  While I’ll admit that generally, the whole "another bride is encroaching on my calendar space" is bridezillaesque, I do think Cereza has a point in that something is a little different when it’s two sisters.  There can be family hardships, and increased stress.

    2. I think that it is difficult to truly understand the family dynamics.  Cereza, you have the right not to give details, but please understand in a setting like this, people are giving the opinions as they see them.  Even if you provided more info, it would still be difficult on a message board, to get a proper assessment.  It’s obvious that you do not like hearing from people who disagree with you, but if you are looking for opinions, you have to be willing to take your lumps.  If we really knew that she was planning her wedding at that time to agitate you, posters would probably be more disapproving of her plans.  If we knew that she wants to hurry up and start a family before her Fiance is shipped to Iraq etc, the reaction would be the opposite. 

    3. If she is planning her wedding due to "hormones" it seems as though that is a big reason to her.  Whether or not you agree with it, if it’s sincere, maybe you shouldn’t feel so victimized.  If she is planning her wedding to tick you off, as you also suggested, that means she would be falling on her own sword, because she will be having her wedding second, and probably not trying to out do you by recycling the Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses.  She would also be forgoing her full measure of wedding gifts and the spotlight, not just reducing yours.  I guessI wouldn’t think she’d cut off her nose to spite her face.  But who knows??

    4.  It sounds like you have a strained relationship now, and perhaps you have for a while.  In the long run, your wedding day(s) are not going to be as important as your relationship with each other.  Sometimes in order to keep a relationship on track, someone needs to be a bigger person, a grown up, a hero.  In fact, both people will probably have to take turns, at some point.  I hope you and your sister cna get past this.

    Post # 85
    Member
    2022 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Ceresa – I think you have gotten some pretty good advice so far.

    I just wanted to chime in again and let you know that your feelings are totally natural and probably justified in many ways.  Though I can’t say I am in the same situation, my sister is two years older than me.  She would have been really upset with me if I got married a month after her, and vice versa.  At least in our family, there is so much that goes into a wedding (and I’m not talking about the money side of it)…it’s the bonding, the planning, getting to have mom’s attention, and just feeling special.  Having to share the special time would be really hard.  As one of four kids, I totally understand why having your sister’s wedding right after yours takes away from it.

    The question is how are you going to deal with it?  It does not sound like your sister is very reasonable.  Other than sitting down and talking to her about it (and talking honestly with your mother about it), it looks like you may just have to try to put your feelings aside as best you can and embrace the fact that YOU are having a wedding and it will be wonderful.  

    Post # 86
    Member
    405 posts
    Helper bee

    I second Johnsbride09. Most of us are reading WeddingBee because we DON’T have all the money in the world, all the help in the world or wedding planners.

    While I COMPLETELY see where you are coming from I can’t help but think that it’s not what you’re asking your sister to do but HOW you are asking her. Obviously I haven’t been privy to your conversations but from the way you are talking here both in your replies in general, your original post, and your comments to others comments it seems as if you’ve been very defensive to everyone. I’m not saying you don’t have the right to be upset but I think more people would see your POV if you weren’t so upset about it towards them. I know it’s hard to keep your emotions in check but the HOW you say things sometimes makes more of a difference than WHAT you say. It sounds like your sister has made up her mind about not moving her date but I can’t help but wonder if she’d have been more willing to move it if you had been calm and not emotional when you first asked her.

    Many people before me have said it and I’m just going to add my 2 cents. It’s not your wedding that will be looked at as a copy, it will be your sisters! By following you so closely and by offering to reuse your bridesmaid dresses SHE’S going to look bad, and possibly jealous, not you! Honestly, had I gone to both weddings I think I’d say "Didn’t Ceresa just do this last month? Why would her sister want to copy her?!" No matter what your sister will be thought of as the copy.

    I really do believe that you will get all the attention for quite awhile after the wedding only because people ALWAYS want to know how the newlyweds are but few people REALLY care about how wedding planning is going (except for the hive of course )

    It’s going to be hard to be all smiley and happy for your sister but I think that some time before her wedding you may be more inclined to help her out. If you don’t think you can you could always tell her that you want to enjoy being a newlywed for awhile and that you still want to be her Maid/Matron of Honor but you don’t know how many of your "duties" you can fulfill so maybe she should find someone to co-MOH as far as parties/showers/etc. go.

    I truely wish you all the best and I hope your international stuff (I don’t know the technical terms!) goes quickly and smoothly! Best of luck with planning!

    Post # 87
    Member
    156 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: December 2009

    Cereza,

    I COMPLETELY understand where you are coming from.  My Future Sister-In-Law got engaged about 9 months before me, but she is a few years younger and she and her fiance were still in college, so they were planning on a long engagement.  Anyway, once my fiance and I were deciding on a date, it was revealed that his sister was MAYBE planning to get married right around the same time. 

    Both my fiance and I immediately agreed that we would move our wedding up by at least a few months – for our sake.  Several family members would have to travel and I didn’t think either of us couples should have to "sacrifice" family members for the other.

    I didn’t want anyone’s "spotlight" to be stolen.

    At this point though, I would tell her how you feel in a calm, mature manner.  And, if she still doesn’t change her mind, then you have to just let it ride.  Afterall, she is is your sister 🙂  You might have to be the bigger person here.

    Good luck, and enjoy your wedding day!

    Post # 88
    Member
    2725 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2009

    Wow, lots of opinions. But I think doctorgirl said it best.

    It is what it is and it’s up to you to choose how you deal with it. You can either be miserable for the next 6/7 months or you can be happy for yourself and your sister. My way of thinking, a wedding isn’t about the BRIDE….it’s about the FAMILY. So with that in mind, that’s how my Fiance and I are planning our wedding. A family celebration. I think if you work with your sister, you can each make your wedding special and unique.

    Post # 89
    Member
    36 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: October 2009

    I think you’re overreacting and being a bit immature about the whole thing. Weddings shouldn’t be about you getting all the attention or all the presents or all the glory. It should be about the love that you and your fiance share an the commitment you are making to one another. Be happy for your sister that she’s found such happiness!

    You didn’t really share why the timing is the way it is. Are there reasons for her to get married, then (school, career, etc.)?

    Try to remember that it’s not all about you. It shouldn’t be all about her, either, but I’m pretty sure she’s not enjoying your temper tantrum any more than you enjoy her perceived stealing of the spotlight.

    Post # 90
    Member
    168 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2009

    Wow, some harsh words on Weddingbee today! I can completely see the point of those who disagree with the OP, after all, for some of us this is a big deal and for some of us it isn’t, but how about we refrain from calling her selfish, immature, etc. It’s easy enough to say that you don’t think it’s a big deal, you don’t agree with her, etc. Since we don’t know the whole story, resorting to name calling seems  a bit harsh.

    That being said, I don’t think it’s about having more than one day for the wedding, because yes, we do only get one day, but planning a wedding is a stressful and exciting time and it makes sense to be hurt that you’d have to do it alongside a sister, especially if there isn’t a "best friends" relationship going on. If I had a sister getting married that close to me, I’d be a little upset that she couldn’t give the wedding a little "breathing room," for everyone’s sake. Right now I’m planning my wedding at the same time as FI’s sister, and she’s definitely an attention seeker. Every time a conversation about my wedding comes up, she  turns it to her wedding, and she’s doing a great job of turning it into a competition, with plenty of petty jealousy on the side.

    If the OP’s relationship isn’t that great with her sister to begin with, I can imagine having wedding’s so close will cause a lot of stress and likely hurt feelings. It does sound as though her sister isn’t taking her feelings into consideration at all with planning a wedding right on top of her sister’s. But, as in all things in life, weddings aren’t perfect and the situation the OP is in in the situation she’s in. I think her feelings are normal for a lot of people, but of course not all, and she’s doing what she can to process these feelings. As for the future, it seems like the best she can do is accept the situation, as it does not seem it’s going to change, and let her sister know that she may not be the best Maid/Matron of Honor with her own wedding planning to attend to.

    Good luck OP!

    The topic ‘My sister wants to get married 1 month after me’ is closed to new replies.

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