Post # 1
This might be weird but I need some advice for my younger sister. I dont have a ton of relationship experience so I’d like to just see what others thoughts are
Shes 18 and at the end of her freshman year at a large university. Her boyfriend also goes there, and theyve been together for about 3 years, first relationship for both of them. I was also in a high school relationship that continued until my junior year of college, breaking up was the BEST thing that couldve happened to both of us and Im so grateful. I’m 24 now so its really easy for me looking back to forget the heartache she’s going through right now. She told me that shes been questioning their relationship every since high school graduation, and ever since starting college they’ve really drifted. He’s either studying or playing video games with friends. Shes also met a guy that has given her those butterlies she hasnt felt in a while, and she said she thinks about him all the time. I’ve never been in a situation like that, so its hard for me to fully understand. Her happiness is the priority, but my heart breaks for her. Our grandparents have been together for 55 years- since they were 17 and are still so in love. I think she wants that so bad, and doesnt want to give up. I remember feeling that way too. And actually, my ex was “her” in this situation. He finally found someone else while we were going through the final rocky period and ended up with her two weeks later.
My opinion has always been thats she’s SO young and has SO much ahead of her. I want her to learn the indepence needed to be strong. But again I know how much I hated hearing that even at 20.
Anyway, any words of wisdom? Thanks bees
Post # 2
Ending the relationship would be better than cheating. So she needs to decide if she wants to stay in the relationship she’s in or not. If she’s unhappy, she should leave. If she wants to try to work it out with the boyfriend then she should cut off contact with the other guy.
Post # 3
My boyfriend and I broke up for the drifting apart reason in our first year at university. We had been together 5 years and I had been questioning the relationship for about a year and half before we broke up (we were acting more like friends and less like a couple, and I had just mentally checked out). It felt hard to break up because neither of us had done anything wrong like cheating, and we were still friends. I think I felt like I needed a good enough reason to end it, but I didn’t. Drifting is good enough a reason at that age and I wish I had ended our relationship sooner. Perhaps your sister is struggling because of the same thing, feeling like she needs a good enough reason to end things? and this new guy is making her question things even more? I actually met my husband at university whilst I was still with my boyfriend although I didn’t date him until 2 years later. Its difficult to advise her on what to do, because at that age you kinda just have to make your own mistakes and learn. I would just be there for her as her sister and remind her that drifting or being unhappy is a good enough reason to leave.
Post # 4
There are so many different kinds of love stories. There’s ones that start young and ones that meet later. There’s love at first sight, and love you didn’t see was next to you all along. In regard to your sister wanting what your grandparents have, I would remind her of this. She should recognize the beauty of their strong love and want THAT, NOT want just the story. She should have her own story. But if she continues to date a boy she no longer has strong feelings for, what kind of love story is that?
Post # 5
Bee, you gotta let her go through what she’s going through. That’s the only way we learn and grow. I’m sure you know that now. That being said, you are her best example of how to get over heartbreak….in your own words “you forgot about the pain” and “breaking up was the best thing”. That’s what you tell her. She’ll have her time to grieve but eventually she’ll end up in the same place you are now. It just doesn’t feel that way right now but given time she’ll see things differently and you are living proof that its true okay?
By the way, your grandparents lived in a completely different time where mindsets, attitudes, lifestyles….all were completely different and viewed these days as archaic and even a bit unnacceptable. So she’s judging her grandparents marriage from a millenial perspective and has no idea of what their reality actually was. She’d probably be shocked if she knew the complete story.
Post # 6
Thanks, I know I need to let her figure it out on her own it’s just makes my heart hurt knowing she’s in pain 🙁
very good points. I know they’ve had their fair share of struggles, and I problem don’t actually even know a fraction of it. I think every young couple holds onto that dream though, and at the time it seems like biggest deal.
Post # 7
I was basically your sister when I was 20 years old, in college still dating my high school boyfriend (long distance). I had kinda fallen out of love with him and in general was just over the relationship, but couldn’t quite bring myself to break it off cause first love and all. I didn’t have a crush on anyone else, but I did find myself longing for the IDEA of someone else, which is really just as bad. I remember at one point imagining a loveless marriage to my high school boyfriend and thinking,”well this is the cross I have to bear, because I can’t possibly break his heart by ending things.” This was at age 20!!
Finally I snapped out of it and realized I had to end it…which was really really hard. It was heartbreaking for me even though I was the one who had fallen out of love…the whole thing was just gutting in a way that only the demise of your first real relationshpi can be. But it was def the right decision for both of us. Your sister will get there too, but she has to do it in her own time. She has to make her own mistakes and learn her own lessons. You can and should support her along the way, but this is her path to take and she’s gonna do what she’s gonna do.