Post # 1
Last night SO told me he wants us to take another weekend trip sometime soon, within the next couple of months. Wtf! I gently reminded him I need to pay down my credit cards some before we do any traveling (still paying off what I charged on the LAST trip I stupidly let him convince me to go on!). All of this, mind you, after we spent the day browsing tools and toolboxes and other things for his truck. It’s like he is purposefully looking for things to spend our extra money on so he doesn’t have to propose to me. Ugh and sigh
Post # 3
Aw, don’t be sad. Maybe he wanted to propose on a special trip?
Post # 4
That’s what I thought back in October when he randomly decided he wanted to take a trip. That was NOT the case, and I’m pretty certain that is NOT the case here. How is he going to propose to me on this trip when he doesnt have a ring? (and trust me, i know he doesnt have a ring). He’s just not that deep. He just wants to spend money on toys and trips and goof off 🙁
Sorry, to say I’m irritated would be a huge understatement
Post # 5
Without knowing the numbers (price of the trip, amount he’d want to spend on the ring, etc), I wouldn’t think that a weekend trip should really delay a proposal if he really wants to get married.
That said, if you’re bothered by the expense of it when you have debt, it’d certainly be fair to have a discussion about budgeting in general. Regardless of whether you’re married, you DO share a household. Do you use Mint.com or another method to keep track of where your money is going?
Post # 6
My Darling Husband is this way. He *loves* to spend money and has a hard time understanding that we really can’t afford any extras right now. I think you should have some clear discussions about your joint finances and debt to help him understand the reality of the situation. When he brings up something that you really can’t afford, stand your ground to keep things on track.
Post # 7
@Molly929: no Molly, i don’t really monitor his finances. Our money is completely seperate, and even though having separate finances means I have no say in how SO spends HIS money, I prefer it that way.
You are absolutely right that a weekend trip is not very expensive and shouldn’t set back a proposal, under normal circumstances, if he really wants to get married. This is what has kept me hopeful that a proposal could be soon for the past 2.5 years (since we went ring shopping) through hiccups in our finances and various purchases we’ve made and trips he’s insisted on taking. That’s also why I point blank asked him if he really wants to marry me still, and setting a reasonable budget for the ring. This was also back in October.
Im just exhausted. I’m starting to realize in HUGE ways that he just doesn’t take me seriously anymore (completely my fault, I know). Im pretty sure he’s not planning on marrying me anymore. To add salt to the wound, I feel taken advantage of and my intelligence insulted every time he tells me he wants to propose to me and marry me but can’t because he can’t afford the ring, then he turns around and wants to buy nonessentials and go on trips.
Post # 8
@MisfitPrincess: Yeah, I get what you’re saying about finances… I don’t watch how my SO spends his money either. But on the other hand, I feel free to say stuff like, “Hmm.. we’ve been eating out a lot lately, maybe we should stay in tonight,” etc.
But as to the bigger issue… I feel like you’re well within your rights to ask him straight-up what’s going on wrt his plans regarding marriage. He’s allowed to not want to get married but it’s not fair to be wishy-washy, sending mixed signals about it over such a long period of time. Sorry you’re in this position.
Post # 9
I just wanted to say I understand where you are coming from. I have been waiting for my SO to propose for a LONG time, and I know how frustrating it can be. I also get stressed/frustrated when my SO plans another trip to a beautiful beach and I know it’s nothing wedding-related. Read my post from earlier…. This is just one example in the last 3 years of this happening to me, but this is the first time I spoke up and flat out made it obvious what I was thinking….
Shoulda Woulda Coulda…(sorry it’s a little long)
My SO knows how I feel and he knows I want to get married. He’s been saying the same for years, but hasn’t asked. Starting this year, I am being very upfront and honest about my feelings even if it’s not what he wants to hear. The trick is to state your objectives very clearly and welcomingly so that they either choose to come along or know you may not be there forever. I also have a timeline in my head for how long I can choose to stand by and wait for him to make the next move without compromising my happiness. That has helped me feel more in control of my life.
I applaud you for having separate finances. We are the same way. I’m sure it’s frustrating to worry how he spends his money, but I would try to use that to your advantage and take him out of the equation. State how difficult it is for YOU to go on this trip right now and explain that you’re saving YOUR money for hopefully a wedding. Maybe that will get him to realize what page you are on and see if he fits onto the same page??? It might sound mean, but I think it’s a good way to get an honest reaction and remind him of what is important to you.
I really think being direct and consice may get you far!
Post # 10
I’m sorry that you’re feeling this way. Unfortunately, we here can only lend you a listening ear, advice and virtual hugs *hugs* – your SO is the only one who can tell you what you really need to know You need to talk to him because it is unfair to feel led on and confused and you shouldn’t be made to feel like that by someone who loves you.
Post # 11
My husband spent $2,500+ on new wheels for his sports car a few weeks before he proposed. Little did I know he already had the ring. I was so. effing. pissed. I thought I was going to murder him. Turns out, the joke was on me.
Just saying, YOU NEVER KNOW!
Post # 12
Im sorry you are going through this – what makes you think he doesn’t want to marry you anymore?
You really should talk to him and find out why he is leading you on like this and get to the bottom of it – you dont deserve to be stressed and upset over your future together.
Post # 13
@MisfitPrincess: I totally understand how you feel. DH was the exact same way (and we were dating for almost 4 years before he proposed – lack of money for a ring was his #1 reason yet I saw him spending money on the stupidest (in my eyes) things.
The only thing I can tell you is try to let it go. If he’s decided you are the one for him (regardless of how he’s spending his money) then he will propose. How he will do it (figure out the funds for the ring) will end up surprising you, I bet. If he hasn’t gotten serious about saving for it – or finds it overwhelming (what happened with my DH) it could be that he just wants to buy things here and there and isn’t ready to make the leap financially (or hasn’t figure out how to make it happen).
For some people (my Darling Husband included) seeing the big picture of finances is difficult. He is an impulse buyer and a very short-term planner. For me, it’s easy to see long-term and how saving a few hundred here and there would equal RING. But, he had his own way of doing it.
It sounds like you have doubts about if he wants to marry you…. is it something he’s said or is it the lack of a proposal that’s making you feel that way. I had an argument with Darling Husband the night before he proposed because I felt he wasn’t being serious about our relationship and didn’t want to be with me…. he kept saying – it’s going to be alright… and all I could think is: oh yeah? for who?! 😉
Hang in there!!!!
Post # 14
Thank you to everyone for your responses throughout the day today. I realize that I am the only one that can do anything for this situation, and the only thing any of you really have the power to do is read and lend anecdotes of advice and support. I am grateful to have a group of ‘friends’ on WeddingBee to help me deal with these situations when before I had no one. It is such a release to just be able to type it all out and get it off my chest, and I definitely don’t do it with the expectation that someone will have a miracle answer that will fix all my problems 🙂 the biggest help is to let of my steam and put my frustrations out there, and to see that there are others with my experiences and who have shared my same feelings, and to know i’m not completely crazy for feeling the ways that I do!
@CupcakeLove: and @oracle: it really is mostly the lack of action on his part at this point that makes me think he doesn’t want to marry me anymore. He puts so much effort into everything else he loves and enjoys (his truck, his hobbies, his family) and I feel like asking me to marry him has been put on the backburner for a really long time now, so long that I wonder if it’s even ‘cooking’ at all anymore. We first talked about marriage and started looking at rings summer of ’09 so.. it’s been a long time.
I’ve made a lot of progress, and taken a lot of steps I might not have otherwise taken if it weren’t for the very real advice that I’ve received here over the past few months on the Bee forum. However, up to this point nothing I’ve done has yielded any changes in the situation, and that heightens my frustration exponentially. Literally the next thing I can do is just to say “we are getting married”, and take him to the courthouse (hopefully it won’t come to that, but it might!) Ugh..
Post # 15
Don’t feel bad girl. I can understand your frustration. I have my own as well. SO and I are unoffically engaged. He claims we’re getting married, but no ring. I don’t actually believe since there’s no ring. I wear a fake one when we go out. Of course I get tons of questions by friends etc. Well SO got a huge amount of money this past month. Well he has huge plans for it and well I don’t see a ring in those plans. Just toys for him. It’s so frustrating. Though they can surprise you when you least expect it. That’s what I’m holding onto.lol