(Closed) My SO has lost his mother-lovin’ mind

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
580 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Aw, don’t be sad. Maybe he wanted to propose on a special trip?

Post # 5
Member
335 posts
Helper bee

Without knowing the numbers (price of the trip, amount he’d want to spend on the ring, etc), I wouldn’t think that a weekend trip should really delay a proposal if he really wants to get married.

That said, if you’re bothered by the expense of it when you have debt, it’d certainly be fair to have a discussion about budgeting in general. Regardless of whether you’re married, you DO share a household. Do you use Mint.com or another method to keep track of where your money is going?

Post # 6
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

My Darling Husband is this way. He *loves* to spend money and has a hard time understanding that we really can’t afford any extras right now. I think you should have some clear discussions about your joint finances and debt to help him understand the reality of the situation. When he brings up something that you really can’t afford, stand your ground to keep things on track.

Post # 8
Member
335 posts
Helper bee

@MisfitPrincess: Yeah, I get what you’re saying about finances… I don’t watch how my SO spends his money either. But on the other hand, I feel free to say stuff like, “Hmm.. we’ve been eating out a lot lately, maybe we should stay in tonight,” etc.

But as to the bigger issue… I feel like you’re well within your rights to ask him straight-up what’s going on wrt his plans regarding marriage. He’s allowed to not want to get married but it’s not fair to be wishy-washy, sending mixed signals about it over such a long period of time. Sorry you’re in this position.

Post # 9
Member
115 posts
Blushing bee

@MisfitPrincess:

I just wanted to say I understand where you are coming from. I have been waiting for my SO to propose for a LONG time, and I know how frustrating it can be. I also get stressed/frustrated when my SO plans another trip to a beautiful beach and I know it’s nothing wedding-related. Read my post from earlier…. This is just one example in the last 3 years of this happening to me, but this is the first time I spoke up and flat out made it obvious what I was thinking….

Shoulda Woulda Coulda…(sorry it’s a little long)

 

My SO knows how I feel and he knows I want to get married. He’s been saying the same for years, but hasn’t asked. Starting this year, I am being very upfront and honest about my feelings even if it’s not what he wants to hear. The trick is to state your objectives very clearly and welcomingly so that they either choose to come along or know you may not be there forever. I also have a timeline in my head for how long I can choose to stand by and wait for him to make the next move without compromising my happiness. That has helped me feel more in control of my life.

I applaud you for having separate finances. We are the same way. I’m sure it’s frustrating to worry how he spends his money, but I would try to use that to your advantage and take him out of the equation. State how difficult it is for YOU to go on this trip right now and explain that you’re saving YOUR money for hopefully a wedding. Maybe that will get him to realize what page you are on and see if he fits onto the same page??? It might sound mean, but I think it’s a good way to get an honest reaction and remind him of what is important to you.

I really think being direct and consice may get you far!

Post # 10
Member
2949 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I’m sorry that you’re feeling this way. Unfortunately, we here can only lend you a listening ear, advice and virtual hugs *hugs* – your SO is the only one who can tell you what you really need to know You need to talk to him because it is unfair to feel led on and confused and you shouldn’t be made to feel like that by someone who loves you.

 

Post # 11
Member
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

My husband spent $2,500+ on new wheels for his sports car a few weeks before he proposed. Little did I know he already had the ring. I was so. effing. pissed. I thought I was going to murder him. Turns out, the joke was on me.

Just saying, YOU NEVER KNOW!

Post # 12
Member
1278 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Im sorry you are going through this – what makes you think he doesn’t want to marry you anymore?

You really should talk to him and find out why he is leading you on like this and get to the bottom of it – you dont deserve to be stressed and upset over your future together.

Post # 13
Member
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@MisfitPrincess: I totally understand how you feel.  DH was the exact same way (and we were dating for almost 4 years before he proposed – lack of money for a ring was his #1 reason yet I saw him spending money on the stupidest (in my eyes) things.

The only thing I can tell you is try to let it go.  If he’s decided you are the one for him (regardless of how he’s spending his money) then he will propose.  How he will do it (figure out the funds for the ring) will end up surprising you, I bet.  If he hasn’t gotten serious about saving for it – or finds it overwhelming (what happened with my DH) it could be that he just wants to buy things here and there and isn’t ready to make the leap financially (or hasn’t figure out how to make it happen).

For some people (my Darling Husband included) seeing the big picture of finances is difficult.  He is an impulse buyer and a very short-term planner.  For me, it’s easy to see long-term and how saving a few hundred here and there would equal RING.  But, he had his own way of doing it.

It sounds like you have doubts about if he wants to marry you…. is it something he’s said or is it the lack of a proposal that’s making you feel that way.  I had an argument with Darling Husband the night before he proposed because I felt he wasn’t being serious about our relationship and didn’t want to be with me…. he kept saying –  it’s going to be alright… and all I could think is:  oh yeah?  for who?!  ๐Ÿ˜‰

Hang in there!!!!

Post # 15
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Don’t feel bad girl.  I can understand your frustration.  I have my own as well.  SO and I are unoffically engaged.  He claims we’re getting married, but no ring.  I don’t actually believe since there’s no ring.  I wear a fake one when we go out.  Of course I get tons of questions by friends etc.  Well SO got a huge amount of money this past month.  Well he has huge plans for it and well I don’t see a ring in those plans.  Just toys for him.  It’s so frustrating.  Though they can surprise you when you least expect it.  That’s what I’m holding onto.lol

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