(Closed) My SO has substance abuse issues that I can’t deal with anymore (long)

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
9134 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@raspberryswirl:  He may have a job right now but by your story, he has lost at least two due to his substance abuse.  Normal, healthy people do not choose their drugs over their job or ability to pay bills.  Nor do they disrespect their girlfriend and put them in danger of being arrested as well.  Yes, you could be arrested as well given the right scenario where he leaves weed in your car or your room where you live.  Even if you don’t know, you might get hit with a possession charge.  How might that affect your job?  I could lose my job over something like that so that would be enough of a reason for me to break up with with him.

Post # 18
Hostess
9766 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

@raspberryswirl:  This sounds just like my ex. His drinking escalated to the point where he was super controlling of me and eventually he turned verbal violence into physical violence. His substance abuse is masking deeper psychological problems he has. You’re not his mom, his therapist, his parole officer, or his rehab. You’re supposed to be his partner, 50/50. Please leave before you waste your youth on someone who isn’t going to change for you. Take it from me.. I wasted 4 years on someone like that, and I still hear through the grapevine about how they haven’t changed a bit (8 years later).

Post # 19
Member
2552 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Sweetie I am so sorry.

There is something that you have to understand about the mind of an addict- they love their substance of choice more than they can love you. He will always choose his addiction over you.

You cannot make him get help. It won’t do anything unless he seeks it on his own.

You convey to him that you are serious by leaving. Permanently. You don’t need to be playing relationship chicken. This is toxic for you and as long as you hang around, you’re just enabling him.

I’m so, so sorry. But I think you know what you have to do, or you wouldn’t have written all of this down in the first place.

Post # 20
Member
3089 posts
Sugar bee

@raspberryswirl:  omg are you dating my ex? Seriously??!!?

Ugh, i totally unserdtand what you are going through. But please believe me when I say, he will not change. He is going to blame you for trying to change him and not having fun, his looser friends will always influence him.

One day he might grow up, but not anytime soon and certainly not hanging with that group of friends. Let me guess, they sit around at someones house all day (most likely someones mommy and daddy’s garage) and the mission of the day is “how do we get messed up?” They scramble for dollars to go and buy some alcohol. Sit around and DO NOTHING. I hated hanging out in that garage, seemed like a B because I just didnt have anything to talk about with these people. 

He is immature. I am sure he is a nice guy, but he has his priorities so jacked up. My ex didn’t have a job and when he would get money he would spend it on weed… like maybe you want to pay your court bills? or child support? no?…ok. We had plans of getting our own place, but we just kept getting further and further from that because of his stupid decisions.

This was three years ago and from what I heard, he never changed. Please do yourself a favor and find someone who will have a positive impact on your life and makes you happy, not stressed out.

You are welcome to PM me if you have any questions or need to talk.

Post # 21
Member
683 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@raspberryswirl:  When I first read this I was under the impression that you just celebrated your 4 year anniversary with your HUSBAND. After feeling sick to my stomach throughout your post, I realized that you are only BF/GF and I am sooo relieved for you! You can still get out without any of the legal ramifications!

Like a couple PP here, I dated a similiar type person for 7 years. SEVEN YEARS!!! When we first met he was nothing like that.. clean, honest, ambitious, etc. After year number 2 (we were about 19 then) he started partying all the time, and I was right there with him. Snowballs, Marijauna all day everyday, you name it… After a couple of years like that I decided it was time to grow up / clean up and thought he would join me… Well, guess what, he didn’t.

He just got worse and worse, and lied and lied. The last year I was with him I wouldn’t even have intercourse with him because I was so disgusted by his substance abuse. Anyway, I left him shortly after our 7 year anniversary – I was only 22 at the time (THANK GOD I learned that lesson so young). He begged and pleaded with me to stay “How can I get better if you are not here!?”. I told him I had given him more than enough time to clean up but now he had to do it without me.

8 years later he is still doing the same thing, but now with a different girl who does it with him. He hangs out with the same like minded people (who also hated me as well for being so “judgemental”)

For years parts of the mess followed me – I had co-signed a car for him and he defaulted to the point where it was re-po’d. I found out after the collection agency contacted me.. I had to get his parents involved to make him pay for it. He also defaulted on some payments for an old apartment we had co-leased… I wasn’t there for the remaining 9 months of our final lease together… ugh… anway..

The decision to leave him and that lifestyle behind was one of the most important and powerful decisions I have ever made in my life up until this point. I sent a message to him, the world, and most importantly Myself, that My Life is too important and That I value Myself too much to subject myself to an User/Abuser’s abuse.

Good luck OP – I pray for you that you find your strength to get yourself out of this mess before something bad happens.

Post # 22
Member
281 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@beachbride1216:  +1

 

He doesn’t appear to have the desire to get help or change his life. Without the desire, you’re the one that will suffer. Every woman deserves better then this sweety! As hard as it is, and as much as you want to help fix him, it’s time to look out for you. This is the only life you get – is this how you want to spend it? Hugs!

Post # 23
Member
685 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

You may need to do him the favor of leaving so he can concentrate on himself and his addiction.  By staying with him you’re showing him that he can drink and smoke and there won’t be any consequences in the relationship. 

You can’t help him or change him, he can only do that for himself.

Post # 24
Member
1877 posts
Buzzing bee

@rachelmichelle:  +1

@raspberryswirl:  I know it may feel heartbreaking to leave him right now, but in doing so you will free yourself to heal from this experience.  Maybe he will change, but it is very likely he will not.  If not, you will be free to find love and a healthier relationship with someone who will add to your joy and not put you through such anguish.  I know it can be tough to end a long relationship, but only you can take control of your own happiness and take that first step towards the kind of life you actually want to live.  Be brave and know that you have everything it takes to do this.

Post # 25
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

please help yourself and him by leaving. i know its impossible but you deserve so much better than that. 

Save yourself and leave.

Post # 26
Member
3245 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@Eckle:  +1. 

 

@raspberryswirl:  This sounds absolutely dreadful. It is natural to still love someone when they have been a big part of your life for a few years, but as you said yourself, you are sick of it all, as you absolutely should be. His behavior is shocking, abusive, illegal, irresponsible, etc. Believe me, you deserve better than this, and it’s time for you to leave. Enough is enough, right?

Post # 27
Member
4474 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Living with an addict is hell.  I think you’ve done your best and have given him plenty of chances.  Go on and live a healthier life.  I’m really sorry this hasn’t worked out, but leaving is the best thing you can do.  Hugs.

Post # 29
Member
2036 posts
Buzzing bee

@raspberryswirl:  I don’t think you can convey you are serious unless you leave.  He might want you to….doesn’t sound like he wants to quit. 

Sorry OP.  Good Luck!

 

 

Post # 30
Member
9817 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

@crayfish:  +10000000

@rachelmichelle:  I disagree about addicts loving their addiction over other people. Although it may be different with alcoholics and drug addicts, I am addicted to junk food and soft drinks and energy drinks, I can’t stop, but I still love my Fiance WAY more.

OP, look into getting a support network and help for yourself, whether you decide to stay or leave, meet with other family members and loved ones of alcoholics/addicts, and that might help you find the courage to leave. He should not be putting you at risk like this, he should not be verbally abusing you, this will soon escalate into physical abuse, please leave, for your own safety and mental health.

Post # 31
Member
2552 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

@Jacqui90:  Alcoholism and drug abuse are way different than junk food.

I’ll use an example that’s close to home for me, though thankfully it’s not my own mother I’m referring to- Do mothers who are addicted to heroin still love their children? Sure. But not as much as their heroin, which is why they selfishly put their addiction first and make terrible parents.

There are the few exceptions who are able to get clean, but again, they have to come to that decision on their own, and the number who DON’T get clean staggeringly overwhelms the number that do.

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