Post # 1
Sorry I haven’t had any positive stories lately. I am trying to get a different perspective on things, that is why I share with you Bees. All my friends agree with me so I really don’t have anyone to play devil’s advocate with me. I’m okay with constructive criticism and although my friends are honest with me and will tell me if I’m wrong they ALL seem to agree with me about my boundaries. I’d like to get your opinions too!
My SO and I had a conversation last night because I’m starting to feel like he views me as a personal assistant. He told me I really offended him and that I hurt his feelings by feeling that way. I told him I’ve been offended for some time now and that is why we need to have this talk. I brought up all the different things he’s asked of me that have made me feel that way. For example, planning his grandmother’s bday party, planning all of our weekly/weekend outings, cleaning his house ( he said it was a joke and he was a little upset that I mentioned it again in our conversation last night), putting a review on yelp “on his behalf.” I told him I’m done planning all of our outings, I told him he has to put forth some effort and show me that I’m important to him.
During our conversation he said that he feels like I’m holding back and it shouldn’t be that way. I feel like I have a right to have boundaries and not do all things I would feel more comfortable doing if we were in a more committed relationship (engaged/married). He thinks that if I don’t show him ALL that I have to offer how he will know that I make a good wife. I told his ass that is the chance he has to take. I’m taking that chance as well, he hasn’t shown me ALL that he would be as a husband and I feel that it’s impossible to do that now as a boyfriend because 1) we don’t live together 2) life happens and you can’t forecast problems and how the other will deal with an EXACT situation. You have to go by the qualities and personality traits they’ve shown you thus far and trust they will stay consistent and continue to be a good partner if bigger things occur in a marriage.
I’m not okay being a Girlfriend doing all the things expected of a FI/wife. I’m not interested in doing “sneak peeks.” But what I will do is be a good girlfriend and when he is committed more to me and proposes then he will get more. My friends say I’m not wrong for feeling the way I do…..What are your opinions?
Post # 3
If you live with him & this is how you truly feel — you need to move out. When you move in with someone, you’re sort of throwing the cart before the wheels (or whatever this expression is), and your logic doesn’t totally make sense. So I can see why he doesn’t understand what’s going on in your head.
Post # 4
umm I think this is nuts. I’m getting married soon and these are thing I wouldn’t do for my Fi. I would have a major issue with someone that lazy, he should be able to do those basic funtions himself.What the fuck does “giving all yourself” mean, being a doormat?
This behavior seems out of order, and I know I personally wouldn’t date, nevermind get married to someone like that. Being someone partner and helping them or doing things for them is fine, but this seems over the line to me.
Post # 5
Hmmm, I don’t want to tell you that how you feel is wrong because you are totally entitled to feeling however you want. But, when I started dating my husband, I didn’t give just half of me. I gave all of me. I made phone calls for him, helped him sell some stuff, took care of his dog. I never thought ‘I’m not doing this stuff because I’m not your wife yet’. And he didn’t do that either.
I think it can harm a relationship with you say ‘Well, he isn’t doing it so why should I?’. If you really want to marry this guy why are you holding back? Why not give everything you have into making the relationship be the best it can be?
Why does it bother you to help him out? I understand if he isn’t doing anything to help you out but you didn’t say that. Is he a complete bum and doesn’t do anything? Or does he just like to have your help on some stuff?
Ask yourself, is the relationship worth it? Is there a chance you don’t want to marry him? If you aren’t sure then there is your answer. But if you know you want to marry him maybe you two need to talk about putting forth more effort.
ETA: I’m totally not saying you should do all his work for him. He needs to man up and do his own stuff but I don’t think there is anything wrong with helping him out. You shouldn’t have do it all by yourself.
Post # 6
@MrsWe: He thinks that if I don’t show him ALL that I have to offer how he will know that I make a good wife.
What does that even mean? Being a wife is not planning events or doing administrative duties. My commitment level to my husband didn’t change after marriage. We were 100% commited very early on, and we both knew what we were getting in to when we decided to marry. He “makes a good husband” because he loves me uncondtionally and makes me a better person. Not because he’s handy around the house and is a great cook (that is just a bonus).
Post # 7
I have a friend who just divorced her husband after 11 years because she was tired of being his caretaker. He’s a nice guy but totally incapable of doing anything for himself. His life was managed by his mother up until he met his wife (now ex) and she unwittingly stepped into the mother role. He hooked up with another woman right after splitting up with his wife. At first my friend was hurt and offended, but it didn’t take long to realize that he was just looking for another women to manage his life. Naturally he and the new girlfriend are already having problems because she doesn’t want to be his mom. He’s in his early 40’s and twice divorced.
<p>I don’t know if it’s fair to compare my friend’s situation to yours. But I would be concerned if my Fiance seemed to be looking for a caretaker rather than a partner- only you can say if that’s your concern here.</p>
Post # 8
@deetroitwhat: We don’t live together..I put that in my original post
Post # 9
He thinks that if I don’t show him ALL that I have to offer how he will know that I make a good wife.
Being a good wife has NOTHING to do with duties and chores. Geez… yeah definitely don’t do all this for him! You are his girlfriend, not his mother.
Post # 10
@MrsWe: “I’m not okay being a Girlfriend doing all the things expected of a FI/wife.”
Precisely. A girlfriend is NOT a wife. You are very wise to note this distinction and to maintain healthy boundaries unless or until this relationship actually does proceed to marriage.
However, the flip side to this is the fact that your SO is clearly telling you some of what he WILL be expecting of you if you do become his wife.
I would pay very careful attention to that, because you will need to decide whether or not you would be willing to do all of those things — and likey much more — if you do ever become his wife.
Post # 11
@MrsWe: Ahhh! I am sorry!
I have to agree with PP that being a wife isn’t doing laundry and making doctor’s appointments (sometimes it is). Why he has these expectations may have something to do with how he grew up and viewed his parents’ marriage.
When we went to marriage counseling before we were married, one of the practices we went through it how we expected people in the marriage to do XYZ. One list was chores. For example, a lot of women expected that the guy would fix the car and take otu the trash because that’s how they viewed their parent’s doing things growing up.
Maybe his skewed expectations are coming from that?
Post # 12
You’re either in or out. You can’t be half in because you’re “just girlfriend”.
Post # 13
@Bostongrl25: I told him that we have to have another talk about “expectations” because I totally agree with you . I am committed to him, I am willing to help him if he needs but the stuff he is asking me is personal assistant type stuff that he can easily do on his own. He told me he asks me to do those things because he is too busy…I told him ” I’m too busy too” smh
Post # 14
This situation is… Interesting. I think if he’s treating you like an assistant now, it will only get worse later. I think if you’re getting frustrated with this treatment now, you will continue to be frustrated if you married him – maybe not right away but it definitely will happen. It sounds like you’re not happy in your relationship, given the role your bf expects ‘his woman’ (regardless of marital status) to play. I hate to say it – but maybe this isn’t going to work out in the long term 🙁
Post # 15
http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/vent-alert-tired-of-being-the-counselor-long#axzz2QAR8wXVe <–Remember this from yesterday?
Not exactly the same scenario, but I can relate to the feeling-like-a-secretary thing.
You’ve told him how you feel and for whatever reason he doesnt understand or doesnt agree. As far as advice goes, I’d predict you’re going to get a 50/50 split between “I do EVERYTHING for him because I love him” and “we’re MARRIED and he doesnt expect me to do that stuff!”
My opinion falls somewhere in the middle: my boyfriend does every bit of cleaning in the house, and I kind of do everything else. Cooking, baking, planning, hosting, phone calls, organizational tasks, and (like I said yesterday) legal advice and counsel. I genuinely love doing things for him, mostly because I’m a control freak but also because he’s very appreciative….usually. We had our little “come-to-jesus” talk yesterday and are back on track.
If you dont want to do something, don’t do it. Just be prepared to get some friction, as its obviously something he’s hoping you’ll take on.
Post # 16
@TwoCityBride: I agree he should be able to do basic functions for himself! I just don’t want to start doing these things and then he starts feeling entitled, hell let me be honest he already feels entitled if he’s asking and confused when I say “no”