(Closed) My SO is getting frustrated with my boundaries

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 77
Member
855 posts
Busy bee

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@MrsWe:  I didn’t have a standard. I fell in love. Proper love. Couldn’t-live-without-him love. And he fell the same for me.

I would never have done that for ANY other boyfriend. Because I didn’t love them.

If you’re not willing to go to the end of the earth and back for this man, you don’t love him enough.

The ‘right’ relationships aren’t this hard. There are no boundaries. You fall in love and the whole world makes sense and you don’t need to think about anything in so much detail ever again.

That’s why I would say this relationship isn’t right for you. 10 months in and you’re already analysing everything and questioning his motives – and he’s doing the same to you.

You need to find someone out there who makes you want to move to the other side of the country because staying where you are crushes your soul. That is the kind of love that makes you want to spend an eternity with someone. And even then, eternity isn’t long enough.

Post # 78
Member
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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@MrsWe:  

OP, I live with my SO, so circumstantially I come from a different ‘place’.  But, although living together has changed some things (compromising on finances, chores, etc) the overal dynamic of ‘us’ has remained the same.

I have already commented on one post regarding what will change when we get married.  I had said that who I AM, fundamentally, will not change.  Nor will he.  Why should we?!  I am choosing to take him as my husband as he is, and visa versa.  Our committment changes, our relationship will change, etc.

What I read in this post today (and I have not read responses, so pardon me if it is repititive advice) is that you two are testing one another to some degree.  He is testing you to see if you are ‘wife’ material, and you are ‘testing’ him for perhaps more of a committment.

As I see it, I would do anything for SO – if he asked, including planning his grandma’s bday, or writing a review on his behalf, provided I CAN DO IT.  I do not do it because I live with him, or because I think I ‘should’ or because I have something to ‘prove’ to him, but because I WANT TOO.  I love him, and we are a team, and that is what I want out of our relationship – teamwork.  And he knows this.  He also knows that the same ‘rule’ applies to him as well.  If I need something done, and he can, then he will.  And sometimes, yes, he will call and say ‘can you run to Dicks and return a pair of boots I bought?!’  And my answer is ‘yes, I have time, no problem.’  Or, ‘no, I am planning to work out’, or ‘work late’ or whatever.  I do not say ‘no’ because he has not proposed.  And he is not asking to ‘see’ if I will, so he does propose!  Ya know?

Fundamentally, you two have established things that are seemingly becoming unhealthy.  You should never be made to feel like an assistant!  But. you need to ask yourself why you feel that way?  And he needs to figure out what his motives are in asking you do get things done…

Good luck!

Post # 79
Member
482 posts
Helper bee

you’ve posted about this a few times, but im not sure i caught wether you two have a timeline for engagement? im curious, has he been married before?

 

honestly it sounds like he wants the benefits without having to make an actual commitment.

 

if he was truly interested in making a serious commitment he would respect your boundaries. doesnt necessarily mean he has to agree with them but he wont persuade you to think otherwise. 

 

you two havent been together for very long but youre in your late 30s, he knows you wont move in without a ring, so i hope for your sake he does ask soon..

 

 

 

 

 

Post # 80
Member
1718 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@Brielle:  I agree.

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@MrsWishyWashy:  Ditto.  I’ll run errands and do the little things for a bf but if DH needs me to sit there and calculate our taxes, I’ll do it. 

I realized that I might be in the minority but I feel like the only time you should “give your all” is when there is commitment, serious relationship.  i.e.  I wouldn’t cosign a loan for just any one.  So, I agree with you, if there is something you don’t want to do, it’s your prerogative. 

Post # 81
Member
850 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@MrsWe: I’ve not read the book, but Acts of Service to me means doing things for your loved one without them being a demand, that you know would make their day go a little smoother. It’s okay to say “no” to a request if you don’t have time. It’s not an Act of Service to continually say “yes” to ridiculous, menial tasks, so he can avoid doing them – that it’s being someone’s slave. I would never think that kind of behavior is good for a relationship, regardless of the level of committment. Acts of Service should be acknowledged, appreciated, and reciprocated.

 

From the Love Languages website:

 

“When I talk about acts of service as an expression of love, I am not talking about being a slave. When we treat our spouses as slaves, we remove the possibility of love because we remove their freedom. “If you were a good spouse, you would do this for me” is not the language of love. “You will do this, or you’ll be sorry” is manipulation, not love. If acts of service are to be acts of love, they must be freely given. Requests give direction to love, but demands stop the flow of love.”

 

When you don’t live together an Act of Service would be picking up lunch and bringing it to your boyfriend at work, scheduling a few suprise outings (not ALL of them!), doing the occasional errand. Many of the things he asked you to do suggest you have nothing better to do with your time!

 

One thing you didn’t mention is what are YOU getting out this relationship? How does he make your life better? 

Post # 82
Member
1170 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

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@Miss Jackrabbit:  +1..I absolutely agree with you. It doesnt matter who does what because I would literally go from one corner of the earth to the other to make him happy and he would do the same for me.

 

If I follow OP’s logic then how do you propose that it works if there are children involved?

 

When DH and started dating intially, we talked about the needs of our children. The father of my children wasnt involved and neither was his ex wife, so we discussed how things would effect our kids too,.

 

DH daughter got really sick at school when we were in the dating stage and he couldnt leave his field position because they were on manuevers. So I picked her up from school and took her to the doctor. My DH recognized in that moment that I was the perfect person for him because I sacrificed time out of my schedule to make sure his daughter was okay.

.Now according to OP’s logic I would have told him to get bent because we arent married and thats not my responsibility…thats crap..it isnt about keeping score.

 

We were dating and I helped him plan his girls birthday parties, when we stayed over I cooked as much as he did. Its a trade off…Just because your arent married doesnt mean you doing do all you can to be the best partner. I can tell you that if you arent the best partner who would marry you?

 

To OP, what if you were dating someone and they refused to give you their whole selves? They were tuned out or if you needed something and their answer was…well we arent married or engaged so no or if he wanted to go off with my buddies and watch porn or go see strippers and you said no and his response was, well we arent married or engaged so you cant tell me what to do.

 

Wouldnt last long.

 

 

 

Post # 83
Member
428 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

If you feel like he doesn’t hold up his end of the relationship, then I think you are right to reconsider the relationship.  Especially if you feel like a secretary instead of his best friend & partner!!

Post # 84
Member
2779 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@MrsWe:  Seriously,  cleaning his house and crap like that are not fi/wife jobs. He’s a grown ass man that needs to learn to take care of himself. He doesn’t want a wife he wants another mommy. 

Post # 85
Member
3354 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

yunno, it’s one thing if he’s asking you to do something for him because he’s currently caught up with something else like fixing a leaking roof.. but if he’s driving you both home from a restaurant and asks you to write a Yelp review on it?

No can do yo. Not even as your wife am I gonna do shit like that FOR you.

Post # 89
Member
296 posts
Helper bee

Recently coming out of a similar situation, I can see how the OP feels and how some of the respondents feel about this situation.

I lived with my bf for many practical reasons (I was trying to help him….NEVER doing that again), and I did a lot of things for us to make sure we stayed afloat. As the woman of the home, I felt I needed to clean, cook, do laundry (especially since he was horrible at it). That’s totally a personal view, I know some of you bees will disagree. While on the one hand, I learned a lot about my capabilities (running a household at 21 was pretty amazing) and got an education and awesome job experience, I did feel like I was taken advantage of. When I get into another relationship, I will set more “boundaries” so to speak. Hell, when he wanted to get his son from the mother, I was ok with that


as long as we were married first. I think that’s the straw that broke the camel’s back.

On the flip side of the coin, I felt that BECAUSE I had given so much, and BECAUSE I was in the middle of the situation day in and day out, I’ve been able to walk away with my head held high KNOWING I did the best that I could and it just wasnt enough. And honestly, while I will never live with someone again, I am VERY glad I did so I wouldn’t be shocked when he was expecting me to play his mother.

OP, I support what you are saying. Whether it is giving “half of you” or “all of you” is not REALLY an issue here. He’s expecting you to be a secretary and “test driving” you to make sure you are “good wife material”, and that’s unacceptable. If I had to do this all over again, I would take your route. Just make SURE you know you gave everything you can within your limits so you satisfy yourself.

Post # 91
Member
7643 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

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@MrsWe:  Men….enough said. And by Acts of Service I am not saying be a human doormat and do whatever he wants, but I do think you need to kind of let go of the “I’m not his wife so I don’t have to do this” mentality, BUT he does have to meet you halfway then and put that extra effort into your love language because just becuase you’re married that doesn’t mean you still have to do everything with no help from him. Nor does it mean you do everything to fulfill his love language and he does nothing to fulfill yours.

Good luck 🙂

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