(Closed) My SO is very close to his sister and she feels left out b/c of our relationship

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1645 posts
Bumble bee

Her older brother being with someone is a loss to be grieved? She sounds…needy at BEST. It just sounds weird to me. I understand the mother letting go thing, cause THAT’S a big deal, but little sis? She sounds like she has issues. Is there anyone else in her life? No other friends? I’m seeing little red flags popping up.

Post # 4
Member
1126 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I sort of understand this, just because my family sometimes has a similar dynamic.  My older brother and younger sister are really close, and he was with someone for years that made him act different.  He’d be afraid to leave her side (she wasn’t the warmest most outgoing person), so my sister felt left-out of having time with her brother.  Likewise with my parents (i.e. my brother wouldn’t want to golf with my dad or run with my sister – major bonding activities for them – because then his gf would be left alone).  Sometimes it would be as simple as him preferring to cuddle on the couch with her as opposed to playing a game with everyone else (something totally understandable but so different from his single behavior that it seemed like she was “changing him”).  They ended up breaking up, and things were much better.  He’s now dating someone new, and he’s much more comfortable leaving her to hike with my mom or something while he golfs with my dad, etc, and we’re all fine with having her around.

I guess what I’m saying is – does your SO act differently now with you around?  Because his sister may not be mourning the relationship, per se, but just her loss of closeness with her brother.  Maybe if your SO makes an effort to do one-on-one things with her, she won’t feel like she’s lost him.  Also, if he includes you in activities in a way that’s not “the couple” and “the sister” but more like three friends, then she might start opening up to the idea of you being a member of the group.  Finally, if you spend a little time alone with her, that might help your relationship.

I don’t know their family dynamic completely, but I know that my family LOVES spending time together, and we don’t mind including people in theory, but if they detract from our supportive and active lifestyle, we are prone to getting pissy.  I think if you and your SO make an effort to integrate you into his family’s lifestyle without changing it too much, it may go a long way.

Post # 7
Member
1645 posts
Bumble bee

Ahh she totally makes more sense now! However, those are all still REALLY unhealthy relationships. And the expectations that his parents have put on their relationship? The most unhealthy of all. She’s in her late 20s? Time to grow up. Good that his mom loves you though. She sounds like she’s on your side.

Post # 8
Member
1126 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@LondonAmericana: Glad to help!  And I think it’s great that you’re supportive of their close family.  I understand not everyone plays board games and does group runs like my family, and Fiance used to think it was weird that we were so close, but now I think he appreciates it.  It sounds like things are getting better with you and his sister, which is wonderful.  I gotta say, of all the toxic familial relationships that are possible, an older brother looking out for his younger sister and her looking up to him doesn’t sound bad at all to me.  It sounds like everyone really cares about each other, and as you become a part of that, I think you’ll really appreciate having such a supportive group.  Good luck!

Post # 9
Member
2260 posts
Buzzing bee

Wow this totally makes me think of how my bf’s sister first reacted to me, so I’m glad to see that there was a happy ending.

Granted, I know that my own SO and his sisters’ relationship is a bit different than described because they can go from BFFs to “I’m so sick of their attitude”. And believe me, this was a foregin concept to me too because I only have 1 sister, so I know I can never really grasp their relationship fully, but what I do know is that regardless they both care about each other a lot and that its something I need to make peace with.

I think in someways I need more approval from his sister than his mom for that matter, because I think him mom would have accepted anyone he was sure of, whereas his sister was/is very gaurded at first.

For me what was important was that I had to explain to her that I wasn’t actively trying to keep him away from her. And also that if she wanted to spend more time with him she needed to tell him and not just blame me for it. Considering that for most of the past 2 years my Boyfriend or Best Friend and I have been in a LDR, she was always frustrated that he would always go out of his way to talk/visit me but didn’t for her.

So much of what you described I feel could be explaining the situation I’m in now too. I do think she sometimes looks up to her brother as a “fatherly” figured and also she is single right now too. All in all, my relationship with her is growing slowly and so I’m really hoping for us to actually become friends on our own, not just because I’m with her brother.

Post # 10
Member
311 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Coming from a different perspective, I am really super close to my brother.  I hated all of his girlfriends until he met his wife.  She was the first one I liked and we are really good friends.  I think part of the reason I didn’t like his other girlfriends is because they never tried to include me in anything.  He and I would always spend so much time together and he would take me with him to parties and other fun stuff.  When he had a girlfriend, he kind of forgot about me because she always demanded his attention.

As a sister, I know how that feels.  While I don’t think my brother and I have an unhealthy relationship, I know that I can’t be his number one priority.  Just as he isn’t mine, but we are still there for each other whenever we need it. 

Your SO’s sister does need to grow up a little and try to get to know you better, which she seems to be doing, but you need to understand a little how she feels.  She feels that she was there first and that she will still be there, whether you are or aren’t.  That isn’t against you saying you won’t be there always, but it’s just how sister’s think.  It’s not necessarily a reasonable or healthy way of thinking, but brothers and sisters can have special bonds.  Especially if they’ve been through a lot together. 

If you can become friends with her, as I am with my SIL, that might help.  Darling Husband, my bro, SIL, and I hang out all the time, at least once a week, if not more.  I wouldn’t trade my SIL for the world, and if anything happened to their relationship (I hope not), I will still be friends with her. 

I hope it continues in a positive way for you!

Post # 11
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I can see how this would happen, and props to her for being mature and realizing that  its time to grow up and grow apart, to a point. My brother and I used to be really close when we were younger, but grew apart as he became a teenager (we are not quite 4 years apart). Now, I am the younger one, but married, have my own house, degree, good job, and he has none of these things at the moment.

I hope that things continue work out, and she finds someone suited for her

Post # 13
Member
311 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@LondonAmericana Glad I could help!  Sometimes if you don’t have a sibling or a close relationship with a sibling, it is hard to understand where someone is coming from.  Encouraging your SO to spend time with her is perfect and encouraging her to spend time with the both of you is even better.  Or even, if you are comfortable, invite her to do something with just you.  Maybe if you two created your own bond outside of your SO, it will help her.  I hope it works out.  I know how crazy sisters can be since I am one.  lol 

Post # 14
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

London I have to say your post resonated with me…but not in your experience. Im the sister….but my relationship with my brother is similiar to your SO’s.

My brother and are less than 2 yrs apart. We are best friends. I would say that there is definetly a difference in my sibling relationship than in most other people’s that I know. My husband and I had gotten in arguements over it too. He called it weird.

My brother and I have the same mother and father – who divoced and both remarried. We always promised that no matter what – we stayed together. No one living with one parent and the other with the other – ever.

We went through a lot as kids – mothers many boyfriends, drinking, abuse….and when we left 1 home to go to another – i did it to save him. I was always safe and spoiled to be honest. We had money, had nice things, but our stepfather abused him badly. I left living with our mother who had money and lived well to do southern california city to live with my dad who didnt make enough money to feed/cloth us properly in a place that turned out not to be safe for me so that my brother could get away from daily beatings. In the end my brother was my protector too – i was harassed endlessly in HS by gangbangers and just bad guys and he got in many many a fights defending and protecting me.

I always had boyfriends, he always had girlfriends (many who i was very mean to – but they deserved it and in the end he always said i had better intuition than he did with his women)

Een as grown adults we help each other. I need my car or home repaired…he did it. He needs a babysitter…auntie is here. I love my nephews.

Sometimes there is a very real reson for a close connection. My brother and i have been each others protector and best friends. I could go on and on with stories that would make you really understand πŸ™‚

The crazy thing is Hubby and I  fought my brothers and my closeness when i rushed to be by my brothers side in the hospital everyday for a month when he was in the hospital…then on life support and on a ventilator. He had no consiousness beyond the first day yet I spent hours on end holding his hand……more than anyone else. Then took all my paid time off for work tha i had saved for our honeymoon to take off work when they sent him home from the hospital and he needed care for a few weeks.

My brother jokes that now that Im married I am not his “problem” but he knows that will never be 100% true. I dont go more than every other day without calling my brother – especially now.

My brother has a tatto that says “Family First” in Japanese… Im getting a matching one this summer. πŸ™‚

Your SO is lucky – he has his sister and now you too.

 

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