(Closed) My SO keeps ALL of his old relationship stuff >:(

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2114 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

do you have a fireplace?

Post # 4
Member
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I think the problems here are his boundary issues. I have stuff from my exes too… In a box in the attic. I have old journals from when I was dating other people, but I don’t read them to my Fiance. I think there are gentle ways that you can point out to him that all these reminders of his past make you uncomfortable. 

Post # 5
Member
9917 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

I have stuff from my seventh grade boyfriend…CDs from girlfriends in college…notes and cards and other sentimental stuff.  Who cares?  My fiance doesn’t, and I don’t — they’re just memories.

Post # 8
Member
1710 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013 - Walt Disney World

I would tell him to pack it all up, put the files on disk and put it in the garage…I couldn’t deal with seeing ex-gf memorabilia everywhere I look.  He told you to move whatever you like, put your stuff wherever you want, because you live there and throw all the old stuff in a box and tell him to put it in the attic or something.  Yes, they are his memories, but they are all in his head too…I don’t think they need to physically need to be in your face all the time.

Post # 9
Member
1710 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013 - Walt Disney World

@indigo_love:  I was just about to say it’s time for him to write you a song.  πŸ™‚

Post # 10
Member
5221 posts
Bee Keeper

He sounds very emotionally attached to life in general, which isn’t a bad or right or wrong thing. It is just the way some people are, so unless he has given you a reason to suspect he is holding on to these things for more than just the ” these are the building blocks to where I am today” type of thing, I would try and accept it as a part of who he is and how he feels.

Post # 11
Member
1851 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I’m sorry! I have no advice, but I’d feel 100% the same way as you in this situation (except I’d have a much stronger reaction if he wouldn’t get rid of it). My husband and I don’t talk to exes or keep stuff from previous relationships.

Post # 12
Member
4046 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

He did say that you could move those things, right? How often does he refer back to them? In your case I would just get a trunk or opaque rubbermaid tote, and just throw everything in there as you find it. Yes, it will take a while.

For his computer, perhaps you can get a memory drive or something and download everything onto it, delete from computer, and toss the drive in the box. Or create a file on his computer with everything ex related in it, so its in one place and you don’t always have to stumble across it.

Post # 13
Member
741 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

There is a really good video I saw recently. It’s about appreciating how our exes shaped us into the people we are: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JvxHPtEsmFc

I really respect people who can look back on their past relationships with grace and a positive outlook instead of resentment. I think though, it needs to feel like your home. He is free to value his past, but it does need to be left in the past. I’d ask him to clean out the house of all the pictures, transfer all the videos and pictures on the computer onto a disk, put it all in a box and compartmentalize it.  

Remember, at the end of the day he is with you. It just sounds like you two need to do a little nesting. 

Post # 14
Member
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@indigo_love:  I keep a lot of stuff but I keep it out of the way. I don’t want to throw it away but I don’t think much about it. I don’t think it is a threat to your relationship but he should probably relegate the stuff to one place where you won’t be finding it all the time

Post # 15
Member
5662 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

While I don’t think people should have to get rid of memorabilia, it doesn’t need to be all over. And asking him nicely of he wouldn’t mind packing some of that stuff up is well within reason and not NOT letting him be “his own person”. He has to respect your feelings too, but if you haven’t shared that it makes you uncomfortable he won’t know that. Especially when you have let him read all of this openly to you without saying how it makes you really feel. You do have to respect that he had a life before you, and he obviously cherishes that, but I would let him know that you want to focus on the future and make new memories and a life with him, and that the constant reminders of his past make it difficult for you and uncomfortable. don’t ask him to throw stuff away, but theres nothing wrong with archiving it. He may not understand iwhy it bugs you either (or he might, i hve no idea) but frankly, people don’t always have to understand why, but they still have to respect your feelings. 

Post # 16
Member
973 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I think the part of him that makes him so open and loving is also what makes him have these things scattered around, likely they just ended up there and never got properly “homed” :).  I think that he does treasure his past, but it IS past and he’s with you now and that’s the most important thing to focus on. The past is also what has made him who he is now, the man you love!

However, I’m totally on board with previous posters saying to box it up.  I wouldn’t put it in the attic or garage though unless those areas are heated/cooled (depending on where you live) as it could ruin/warp pics/cds/etc.  But I am all for him having a “memory” box/drawer/whatever.  I would feel it was reasonable if I had this stuff scattered around and told someone they could move stuff as needed if they did and then said “Hey, I was finding homes for my stuff and put all your keepsakes here, I know they are important to you.  But thought they were best kept safe in one location.”.  I could even see “It makes me a little unnerved to have all this past pop up when I don’t expect it even though I appreciate it’s a part of you”.

I have stuff, tons of pics especially from past relationships, but I’m super organized so back in the day of real physical pics they went into an album and the album had a home lol… with pcs I’ve got thousands of photos, but they are all organized too.  Otherwise this could be me.  Fiance is a memory keeper too, since we both are it doesn’t bother either of us. We do both have our spots for stuff and it’s not just all over, and I think that makes a difference.  Hopefully you can get his past stuff corraled and into a happy place where it’s not all popping up in your face!

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