Post # 1
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we have been living together for 1.5 years. We have had our ups and downs but have always pulled through. Except now we are going through something that I don’t have a lot of experience in.
For the last month my partner hasn’t felt like being intimate. I thought it was because of work as he runs his own business and at times it can be very stressful for him. But a couple of weeks ago, I sat him down and asked him if it was something more because it isn’t like us to not be close to each other and he admitted that whilst he still finds me attractive and he wants me, he just doesn’t have the ‘drive’ for me at the moment. He said that part of this is due to stress from work and another part of it is due to the fact that we have been arguing a fair bit lately which has brought out a sooky, insecure, naggy side of me which has turned him off over a period of time. I know I act that way when we argue because arguing brings that out in me sometimes and I am not proud of it.
I just feel like I am in a weird spot at the moment. My partner has told me that if I can just go back to being the strong, independant confident girl that he fell in love with then that would help him greatly and I want to do that for him and for myself, but because I have had my confidence shaken from being rejected for intimacy over the last month, I am struggling with getting my confidence back at the moment.
So I was just wondering if any of you have been through something similar and made it through with your partner? Or maybe someone has some tips on how to give yourself a confidence boost? Thanks Bees
This topic was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by MsMegs82.
This topic was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by MsMegs82.
Post # 2
I’m absolutely certain I replied to a thread exactly the same a couple of days ago?
Tell him you love him and you’ll be there, head out with some friends, have a great time, and focus on yourself. Just plan loads of things for you and your friends to do without him. He’ll soon be ‘excited’ to see you again when he sees what a ‘catch’ you are!
Post # 4
sorry you’re going through this bee! I don’t know the root of why you are arguing so I’ll just answer the question you asked.
i would take time out of this relationship to do something for yourself.
Can you take some time off from work and spend time away? Visit a friend or family? Or hell even go on a solo vacation? Personally there’s nothing more fun then getting excited to go away and unwind.
take on a new hobby? I took self defense and boxing classes that made me feel like a bad ass. Start taking hikes in your free time? sometimes a nice long hike alone with my music can be a good reset for me personally.
If you think that your issues run deeper there’s nothing wrong with talking to a counselor. I had to do that once too just to get some perspective and self reflect why I was feeling the way I was.
in the end I think you need to find something that you want and need to do for yourself. What’s that old saying? You can’t love yourself until you love someone else?
Post # 5
Thank you ladies, great advice. We have been arguing recently over the lack of intimacy and we haven’t done much together as a couple lately and we had a holiday booked that had to be cancelled due to my partners workload. Just basically getting very frustrated and feeling in a bit of a rut and taking it out on each other instead of talking it out.
Post # 6
I don’t like how he is putting this on you. He has lost interest in intimacy but yet he wants YOU to change and go back to the “strong, independent, confident girl” so he feels like having sex with you again…? What about HIS role in all of this? He is putting all the blame on you and that really isn’t cool. You have been arguing…it takes two to argue so he isn’t totally innocent in all of this.
Plus the fact that your arguments which are causing these issues are over INTIMACY. Honestly, just have sex. I’m one who when I am stressed out I don’t necessarily feel like having sex, but once I get into it I feel good about it.
If after you have had sex more consistently things are still an issue, then I would start questioning if the relationship is the right fit for you. Sex of course ebbs and flows; sometimes you have a ton sometimes you only have it a few times…but I really don’t like how he is approaching this and blaming you…
Post # 7
MsMegs82: does he have a problem with depression? My Fiance does as well as PTSD and before I FINALLY got to admit he needed help and got him to seek it at the VA we would go through periods like this when he was depressed.
I can see how starting a business would add a lot of anxiety that could lead to depression and the arguing will not help either. Either way, it is not your fault, it is on him and the first bee’s post about focusing on you is great advice.
Post # 8
I went through this a couple months ago with my SO, after we’d hit about a year and a half of living together. It’s a hard time and it definitely tests you as a couple as I was constantly thinking that is was my fault.. obviously he wasn’t attracted to me anymore, didnt want to be with me etc. This caused us to argue a lot, as I was really like shit and unwanted and he didn’t understand why I was feeling like that. So one thing I will tell you is arguing about it is definitely not helping. I also see why he’s saying about you going back to being confident as I lost a lot of it, and then made me not want to work at intimacy either. I agree with PP’s taking time to yourself and doing things just for you will help make you feel better.
Also try and arrange a nice date night, where you both get dolled up and treat it like dates that you’d have when you’re first seeing each other. Living with someone can often take away the romance as you don’t always make the effort for each other because youre always together. Go for dinner and dancing and just enjoy being together without the pressure of sex.
If that doesn’t help things chane then you can look at re-evluating your relationship with him.
Post # 9
Thank you for the advice ladies, I really appreciate it.
ljm308 I completely understand where you are coming from and I have thought this as well and I am trying not to take all the blame for it. He has said that he understands that it isn’t all of my fault and he has played his part in what has happened. I think I more easily admit when I am wrong then he does. He has actually told me that I apoligise too much and I have to learn to toughen up and tell him where to go when he deserves it. I have never heard a guy tell me to go off at them before, but ok…. lol
We have talked about the possibility of depression before. Unfortunately he is not up for talking to a professional about it at the moment. There is something definitely off but I don’t know whether it is the stress of recent events or something else.
I just want things to go back to what they used to be when things were easy and I wasn’t feeling anxious all the time. I just don’t feel very secure at the moment 🙁