(Closed) My SO’s Been Injured – How To Avoid Being Resentful

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
90 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Once he heals up a bit from the surgery, it might be time for a talk with him. Because, honestly, breaking bones at least once a year is not good. And it’s clearly having a negative effect on you (becuase of having to do chores and such for him) and your finances, now, too.

Have you had discussions about this in the past? It sound like you might be a bit resentful of the time committment anyway, and the injuries are just icing on the cake (so to speak). Maybe there’s a way for him to contiune participating in a sport he loves – say by continuing to coach – but maybe backing away from the playing/getting injured part.

Good luck, though.

Post # 5
7300 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

While I understand your concern, be careful about how you bring it up. You do not want to make it sound like you are making him choose between what he loves to do and you. He’s been doing this for years and it’s what he loves. Maybe you can ask him to coach more than play. Remind him that he’s not getting younger and soon injuries will take longer to heal. I wouldn’t ask him to stop playing 100% though.

Post # 7
1510 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

He should look into getting short term disability from work.  He is entitled to it legally. 

I realize that this is difficult and I understand that you need to discuss with him how his playing afftects your life together, but for better or for worse really does mean for better or for worse.  Right now is a for worse part.  Hopefully he is open to ending his game playing for the team, but if this is something he truly loves, he may not be willing to give it up.  Is this the first time this injury has happened in the 10+ years he has been playing?  If so, it might be a fluke thing.  If there is prescedent for this happening, then that is all the more reason for him to stop. 


Post # 9
344 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

i think i would feel the same way if i were you. i mean it’s one thing if the injury was sustained from an unavoidable event, but if he knows that rugy continues to break his bones and it keeps getting more serious, then i wouldn’t be completely okay with him continuing to play. i’d ask him to switch to a more gentle league. not sure if that’s possible, but he could start the “No broken bones rugby league.”

Post # 10
121 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Yes, have him look into short term disability compensation, or find out if he can be moved to a different part of the pharmacy like cashiering or doing the billing/phone calls for a few weeks instead of being reduced to part time. Or, if he has any accumulated vacation time, perhaps he can use that to fill in some of the income gap if he does have time reduced, it stinks to not have vacation time left but if he has a week of unused vacation time he can get full pay for 2 extra weeks.

Post # 11
90 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I totally understand. Does he really “get” the fact that you have to do double-duty? I know it’s a stereotype, but some men are really bad at being sick and get really needy (my husband can be like this). Maybe you could ask him if there are things that he could do to reduce injury as a way of opening the conversation – just telling him that you don’t mind him playing, but you’re getting resentful that becuase of something he enjoys, you have to pick up the slack.

The alternative is you could just *not* do the stuff for him that he needs help with, but that’s probably unnecessarily cruel 😉

Post # 12
2496 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 1991

I understand where you’re coming from too.  My Fiance does a lot of “extreme” stuff like rock climbing, white water kayaking, etc.  So, I worry about him getting injured too.  He was without health insurance for several months, so we talked about how he needed to be careful.

I told him that I loved that he enjoyed playing these sports, but he needed to consider all the affects that doing these activities have on me and our finances.  Guys tend to want to take care of everything and make sure everything’s ok, so I found that when I asked him just to think about the affects his sports have on other people, it helped.

Post # 13
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I think it is completely reasonable to have a discussion about how it affects you.  Maybe start the conversation by saying, “I love you, I know you love rugby, and we need to talk about how we can mitigate its negative impact on my/our life.”  It really ISN’T fair that you pay the cost of his hobby through a substantial loss of income and doubled household work.  Framing it that way might help him feel included in the search for a solution, rather than on the defensive.

Post # 14
223 posts
Helper bee

@izziebear:I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.  Honestly. I hate rugby.  And I blame it on the downfall of my college relationship, really, and truly.  My college Boyfriend or Best Friend had never played before college and it was like a cult for him.  He found his niche, he practice two-three times a week, and went and got drunk as all get out after each one. We lived together, I found this frustrating but did appreciate the time apart during the week… however…our Saturdays were monopolized by rugby…games…and drinking all day and night.  That was fine for college, but not after college.  I know where you’re coming with the dedication and the frustration it brings you.


That said, I’ve never really been able to approach it rationally.  We would argued about it consistently.  I think after his surgery and once he’s home and a bit more relaxed, I would approach your monetary concerns, as well as your concerns with it monopolizing his life. I am sorry I can’t be much more help than that, BUT, I empathize.

Post # 15
2788 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I would like to share a personal story with you.  When my parents were dating, my dad had a hobby which my mom did not particularly like; he used to sky dive.  My mom, in no uncertain terms, indicated that she did not want to marry him if he was going to continue with the hobby.  But my dad still wanted to do a exhilarating sport but also wanted to marry my mom! So, she taught him how to ski.  They still go on week long ski vacations together, and both my brother and I are skiers. 

I’m not saying you should do one thing or another, but this is what worked for my parents, who are still married almost 30 years later. 

Post # 16
174 posts
Blushing bee

You are not off base here. 

My SO has a job that requires him to be on the road 5 days per week.  This is not the job he wants to do for the rest of his life, but yet he is making little or no attempt to look for a local job in the various professions that he actually wants to do. 

That being said, b/c he travels 5 days per week, I get the burden of all the housework and errands during the week.  And then on the weekends, he either wants to relax or work on his own stuff (e.g. his car), so that I get the burden of doing the housework and other planning/errands on the weekends too. 

I guess it’s our burden as women to pick up where our SO’s leave off, and take care of the things that they don’t seem to notice.  But I sure wish they’d get off their @$$ and man up.

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