(Closed) My SO's family despise me

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
600 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Someone close to me is in a similar situation. It really truly sucks. You need your SO’s full support. It doesn’t mean you never see his family or cut ties. It means he needs to stand with you and support you. He needs to have a sit down with his family and get them on board that he loves you so they need to treat you with respect. Kill them with kindness.

Post # 3
Member
1767 posts
Buzzing bee

What are you expecting him to do? Disown his family just because you don’t get along with them? And when they complain about you to him, what do they say? What are their complaints? Unless they are all completely psychopathic I very much doubt they’d treat you that way for absolutely no reason at all. They obviously have reservations about you and that’s okay. Not everyone is going to love you straight off the bat. They want the best for their son/brother so they are being weary. My Future Sister-In-Law treated me like absolute sh*t for ages because she didn’t think I really loved her brother (I think this stemmed from the fact that I dated the other brother briefly first and she thought I was still hung up on him and just using my SO – long story but not at all true).

So I guess without knowing what they’re complaints are, I don’t feel comfortable telling you what you want to hear which is probably, “They’re assholes, you’re right, they’re wrong”.

Post # 4
Member
5985 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
jenni2000:  Either your SO is with you or against you.  At this point either break up with him or get him to stand up to his family.  I know it’s hard but for some reason they chose to not like you and you either deal with their rudeness or tell your SO it’s over because I wouldn’t want to deal with that either.

Post # 5
Member
523 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I feel like we’re missing major parts of the issue here. What exactly are their complaints? Is there any validity to them put maybe there’s misperceptions?

Post # 6
Member
349 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Cornucopia St. Charles

Sounds like maybe this isn’t a Good fit.  If it’s making you this upset thsn maybe you need to move on.

Post # 8
Member
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

View original reply
jenni2000:  Just playing both sides here….are you sure there is no underlying reason that they don’t like you? Obviously, we only have one side of the story (not saying you’re wrong). Were there some issues you ever had in your relationship and maybe your SO confided in his family, and it’s effected the way they treat you?

Future Mother-In-Law had a similar issue with her inlaws when they started dating….they now have extremely limited communication with FFIL’s family. It’s extremely difficult to just cut out your family like that. This sever of communication took about 15 years to happen..

Post # 10
Member
600 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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jenni2000:  I’m with pinkcorsage on this one.

Post # 11
Member
523 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

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jenni2000:  wow, I’m sorry to hear about that. Those things would be hard to work around or reach a compromise on. So the only things that could happen is: he disowns his family, but that could lead to some serious resentment issues or you turn the other cheek and let them have their own relationship separate from you guys. The second option too could lead to resentment on your part, so the deciding factor would be who is the most forgiving and mature. Those choices of course don’t include breaking up, which I assume is something you don’t want to do. Good luck with it all!

Post # 12
Member
89 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I am sorry you are going through this 🙁 My FI’s family doesn’t like me either but for some very fundamental reasons and I do not blame them or wish to change their mind overnight (it’s racism..). His family respects me but talk bad things about me to my Fiance behind my back. I have not yet figured out a way to solve this but I continue treating them nicely and try my best not to step on their toes.

One thing that comforts me was that I found out my dad’s mother used to hate my mom when they were dating. My grandma trashed my mom around the neighboorhood but my mom did not give up. It all got solved after my brother was born 3 years after they got married. 

Fiance has been 110% supportive and made it clear to his parents he will marry me no matter what. We are hoping by the time we got married and maybe have kids within a year or two they will truely accept me as part of their family. I felt very betrayed sometimes too when they call Fiance and talk to him for half an hour just to express their dislikeness of me. And all I did was being nice to them. I know it is hard but I am sure they will eventually see you through your SO’s eyes and love you like he does. 

Post # 13
Member
8516 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I kind of going through this with my Future In-Laws (I say “kind of” because I think they’ve FINALLY started to warm up to me just a teensy weensy bit after 7+ years).

The advice I can give is this: if you still want to try to win them over, then keep being nice and trying to connect with them, no matter how painful. Tell your SO that you’d like his continued help singing your praises to them whenever he can. And hope for the best.

Now, if you just don’t care about any of that anymore (which was/is where I am — I could give two shits what his family thinks of me or says about me at this point), just let your SO spend time with them when he pleases, don’t feel forced to attend yourself if it pains you that much, and just know that it’s how your SO feels about you that matters, not his entire family. As long as he isn’t being influenced by their comments and knows how ridiculous they’re being, it’s not worth losing sleep or stressing over IMO. 

Also, I don’t really think it’s fair of you to feel “betrayed” by him whenever he talks to them. No matter how vile they are, they’re still his family who raised him and who love him. And you mentioned that he’s tried talking to them about you, so it sounds like he’s in your corner and doesn’t sit around with them ragging on you and egging their negative feelings on.

It never once occurred to me to somehow ask/expect my Fiance to cut all ties to his family just because they didn’t like me. To stand up for me whenever possible and to have confidence in us and his feelings for me no matter what they said was all I could ask from him — to ask him to end long-standing relationships with family members because he can’t succeed in convincing them to love me as much as he loves me felt like it would be a selfish move on my part.

Your SO’s relationship with his family and his relationship with you can be two entirely different things and you don’t have to be involved with the former if it makes you feel bad. Sure, it’s not the ideal situation (I’m sure all of us dream of having Future In-Laws that are like second parents), but sometimes things don’t always turn out how you imagine.

Post # 14
Member
387 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 1993

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jenni2000:  Yup I agree with pp your SO should stand up for you and stick by you. My Future Mother-In-Law, Future Father-In-Law, and FSIlL are pretty difficult people and we’VE had issues in the past.  And what has helped me through all of it is knowing that my Fiance has my back 100%.

Post # 15
Member
4560 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

View original reply
jenni2000:  No you don’t breakup with him because his family treats you badly. You breakup with him because he doesn’t have your back. He should say, “She is going to become my main family. If you disrespect her, you disrespect me. I will not have a relationship with you if you disrespect me!”

 

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