(Closed) My Step-Mom the Sociopath: How to Handle At My Wedding?

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
777 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Ugh, this sucks. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.

It sounds like she’s extremely attention-seeking, and the most important thing is to keep her from causing a scene or coming even further between you and your dad on and around your big day. Is there a (relatively unimportant to you but still somewhat time consuming) task you could ask her to oversee, like making sure the flowers and candles are correctly placed/printing and arranging the programs/dropping off welcome bags at your guests’ hotels? That way she can brag about how “essential” she was, you can give her effusive thanks and praise, your dad feels like you’re making overtures and including her, and she gets her attention fix in a relatively innocuous way while you privately roll your eyes. I know it’s intensely annoying, but it’s better than worrying about drama, and if you give her a little card on the morning of thanking her for her help and support, hopefully she’ll feel sufficiently recognized and won’t storm out during your reception(!!). What you do after the wedding is over is up to you.

Post # 5
Member
1606 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I am so sorry.  This is not an uncommon story.  Focus on the wedding, etc.  As your life goes on, there will be more and more in it, a husband and children.  Yes, you will want to see you father, but it will be less of your life.  Think Cats in the Cradle.

Post # 6
Member
1790 posts
Buzzing bee

Ugh, this woman sounds like a class A bitch. Since when do step parents NEED a toast if both parents are present? No offense to the good step parents, but you catch my drift.

If someone went against my wishes, Id be upset too. Ive had some bad hopsital stays, and sometimes you want to be alone!

 

Post # 7
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee

Do you have to invite her? I know it will be hard but my SO and I have no intention of inviting his stepmother. Although in his family it is no secret that he does not like his stepmother and she knows exactly why this is. 

Post # 8
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@mrssrm:  That’s sounds like a good idea but I would be worried about stepmother trying to change things around or overstepping her boudaries.

Post # 9
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@WhiskeyEverAfter:  If I were you, I would ignore her. Let her storm out and assign a family member or friend to watch her at the wedding and reception.

She deserves nothing from you whatsoever.

Post # 10
Member
4523 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@WhiskeyEverAfter:  Let me start with this: I 100% understand what you are going through. I had a very similar upbringing situation with my step. Thankfully, mine apologized when I was in college and we now have a semi-decent relationship, and I have no issue having my step at our wedding.

 

I also was lucky enough to have a mother who is alot like your stepmom, who, unfortunately, has not apologized and can be a huge nightmare. I, too, am worried about waht she may pull on our happy day if she feels slighted or like she is not receiving enough attention.

 

I have no idea what I’m going to do, either. Others are very quick to tell me “just don’t invite them”, but as you know, that creates other family drama, such as with your dad. 

 

I don’t have really any advice to give, unfortunately, other than to say I understand your situation.

Post # 11
Member
777 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@LuvMySailor:  Yes, that’s definitely a worry, which is why OP would have to find a task that’s relatively unimportant to her, so that potential changes won’t bug her too much. There’s no perfect answer here, because getting the OP’s stepmom to act like a freaking adult is too much to count on. The key is figuring out what’s the least painful sacrifice to make (details not being quite like she envisioned; a scene at the reception; burning bridges with her dad, etc.) which is just a matter of personal preference.

Putting her in charge of encouraging guests to sign a guestbook or something might also work, especially if that’s not something the OP was originally planning on doing.

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