(Closed) my stepdaughter :(

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 46
Member
4767 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

MrsChapman2015:  anyone who strats a fight about a nail pattern is just looking for a fight.  

Post # 47
Member
714 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Atalanta:  Yeah and the problem is she doesn’t come to me or Darling Husband and say look I have a problem with this. She just threatens to spank the kids or punish them. She got mad at my stepdaughter for having a temporary tattoo on her, it was gold and she’s so tan you could hardly see it, but she freaked out and told her she would whoop her if she did it again. Then like a month later when she was staying with us she had a huge tattoo on her that her mom put on. It’s just always something. I’ll respect her wishes as the mother but don’t threaten these kids and then be a hypocrite. We have to parent together and be consistent.

Post # 48
Member
516 posts
Busy bee

littleeskimo:  

My stepmom came on the scene when I was younger than your stepdaughter, but the age gap allowed me to talk to her about things that to me would’ve been “weird” to talk to my mom about. We used to joke that she was our stepmonster, because she was as far from that as she could be. I agree with PP who said be supportive of her time with her dad, and also know there might be some jealousy that you’re getting to spend so much time with him and she doesn’t get that anymore.  

I now have a 15 year old daughter myself, and it is true that stepmom or no stepmom, this is a difficult age!  It’s nice to see that you care, and hopefully when she feels free to express her feelings, she’ll be able to tell you what it means to her.

Post # 49
Member
18 posts
Newbee

I was a teenager when my dad first started dating his girlfriend. She sent me things she thought were girly and cute, like Halloween themed socks. I’m a tomboy, so I hated everything she picked out and I felt alienated that she didn’t know me.  I’m assuming too much, but chocolate flowers seems like a gift you would buy for a distant Aunt out of obligation. Unless you previously agreed she wanted the chocolate, it seems impersonal.  

Eventually, my dad’s girlfriend wormed it out of me that I wanted the Jessica McClintock dress out of Seventeen magazine for the big dance. (It was the early 90’s…)  She remembered the special thing we talked about and made it happen.  Plus, going dress shopping on the sly was a ton of fun and she shared in my excitement for the dance.  I needed a friend and co-conspirator and she stepped up and rocked my teen-aged world.  My real mom would have never bought me something so grown up.

Also, I agree with babeba: The #1 coolest thing you can do is instigate dad-and-daughter alone time during her visit. Showing respect for that will score you big points. When she’s ready for a bigger relationship with you, she will seek you out.  (It took me about 7 years.)

Post # 50
Member
4249 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Ok I’ve never been in this situation, but I have a friend who has and I also am around teens and preteens daily as a teacher, so here goes…

My friend — her dad actually used to be married to my aunt.  She got along really well with my aunt actually…I think my aunt just kind of left the door figuratively open for her to have a relationship (at the time my friend was…8 or so?), and my friend walked through that door eventually.  Now, her dad divorced my aunt and now is remarried to ANOTHER woman who apparently is ridiculously stifling and has been pretending like she is “mom”.  Keep in mind my friend is now 31.  Friend also just had a baby, and her stepmom kept on talking about “our” grandchild and “I can’t wait to be a grandma!!” and that crap.  Friend was actually pissed because her stepmom was forcing herself onto my friend and trying waaay too hard considering she doesn’t really have a relationship with her stepmom.

From my teaching experience, teenagers sometimes need to feel like they are in control of the situation.  This sounds like a situation like that.  Keep the door figuratively open, always.  Like others have said she is probably mirroring what she sees from her mom and that is why you are getting this cold shoulder.  You really need to not take it personally. I know it’s hard, but this ultimately isn’t really about you; it’s about your future stepdaughter.  Of course make her feel welcome when she comes to visit, and ask her about her hobbies and friends and anything else that she enjoys doing.  Let her know you are friendly and easily approachable.  Of course it’s important that she knows you are nice and approachable, but what is more important than you being her friend is that you are also enforcing rules and that she respects you.  Respect will go MUCH further than friendship, trust me.  You don’t want to put YOURSELF in a weird and difficult situation where she entrusts you with a secret about something that you can’t keep from her dad.  You want her to respect you and also trust you.  The “friendship” will come in time, but maintain expectations and build trust first.  That is the most important.

Post # 51
Member
836 posts
Busy bee

littleeskimo:  i feel like she thinks that you are trying to buy her love or your gestures aren’t genuine and “you arent getting the hint”. I’d start by asking her if she wants to go out for gelato or something or getting nails done etc

 

But remember: her mother doesnt like you. She spends a lot of time with her mother, there is a HUGE chance that she is being distant from you bc if she was close to you – it would hurt her mother. You need to deal with the mother situation if you want to go anywhere with the daughter. Also your fiance should be involved too. remember, you’re young – 24. You are technically closer to this girl in age than you are to your fiance (no judgement – my fiance is 12 yrs older than me). So it may be tough for her to see u as a mother figure and she definitely would be worried that you are trying to replace her mother..

 

You, your fiance and her mother NEED TO TALK and discuss that YOU ALL will be a part of the kid’s life and you want them to feel loved and supported and even though you and her mother wont agree on everything or see eye-to-eye all the time, reassure the mother that you just want to be friends with the daughter and show her love and support. You guys all need to be on the same page or it will be very difficult for you. Take the high road and TALK TO THE MOTHER and get your fiance involved. if you want the relationship to work between your fi and you, you need to make sure allt he parents are on the same page.

 

 

good luck

Post # 52
Member
3169 posts
Sugar bee

I’m a step mum to kids I met when they were already older and who are teens now. A few things jump out at me and although they’ve already been said I thought I would add my 2c:

a) teenagers are selfish at times. It’s just how they are and it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the hormone laden period they are in.

b) the best thing you can do as a step parent in many situations is to support your SO to be the best father / mother they can be and to be a great partner. I’ve seen the kids of step families say they came to love their step parent because they could see how much they loved their mum or dad.

c) from what I can tell she has her family, being her mum and sister, who she lives with most of the time. You might need to accept that family unit are going to come first and you and even maybe dad will be an afterthought since she doesn’t see you much. That’s pretty natural I would have thought so try not to take it personally.

d) the step mother struggle is real. Don’t forget your needs in all of this and make sure you’re getting the support you need from Fiance and your friends or family.

Post # 56
Member
836 posts
Busy bee

littleeskimo:  your fiance really needs to be involved in this. He needs to make it clear thathose girls are HIS kids as well and the mom will always be the mom, but right now she isnt being a good mother by being so immature about you. He needs to extend an invite to dinner and it be just you three adults where you guys can be build a relationship some how. 

Just say that you want to be able to ask her for advice because they are her girls and teenage is a very hard transition for any child and any parent dealing with it. And for the mother to see you as an extrapair of helping hands if she’d like because you truly want to make those girls happy. You need her to acknowledge that YOU exist and YOU aren’t going anywhere and YOU will be in those girls lives and you want things to be friendly between everyone. 

 

that mother is so freaking immature- thats awful. what kind of parent sacrifices a child’s happiness bc they are pissed at their ex? SO AWFUL.

Post # 57
Member
4767 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

littleeskimo:  If it is a joint gift and she tells her dad thanks, I think she thinks she’ll pass it on to you or that it’s enough to just thank someone once.  You’re taking it too personally.  

Post # 58
Member
764 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

littleeskimo:  She probably doesn’t think of you as her stepmom because you aren’t: at this point,  you’re her dad’s girlfriend. Does your Fiance speak/Skype with her often? If not, he’s not being much of a dad, either. I would give her space. If she doesn’t see him often, she might just want time with/recognition by her dad. Even if you do send things from both of you,  you might also want to make it look/sound like he was the one who took the lead. As long as you see each other so infrequently, you may never have the relationship you’re hoping for. Different doesn’t have to be bad, though. 

Post # 59
Member
1604 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

You are not married to the dad, the stepdaughter is 15 and you are 24.   I doubt she regards you as a stepmother.  You need to tone it down. In all likelihood, the mom doesnt think too much of the situation either.  

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