(Closed) My surprise ceremony… and I’m not excited :/

posted 8 years ago in Ceremony
Post # 3
2154 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Poor you. I know how you feel a little bit, sweetie. I also wanted to elope, but our families roped us into a 100+ person wedding. I’m dealing with it by focusing only on the things that I am looking forward to.

Maybe you could plan a mini-reception after with your friends? If you can’t afford or don’t want a party, you all could just go out for dinner and cocktails on New Years Eve with you dressed in white. Could be fun?

Post # 5
359 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’m sorry – it sounds like you’ve made some pretty substantial compromises from what you had originally hoped for, maybe it would help you to think about why you decided to make those compromises…for family and the people you love. 

And I understand how you feel about your Mother-In-Law informing you how lucky you are to have her…but it sounds like the two of you really do have a pretty good relationship (especially from her perspective since you are changing plans to keep his family happy). In addition to that, I’m impressed that she (being Catholic and considering marriage as a sacrament that can only be in church by a priest, except under extenuating circumstances) is being so supportive of your at home wedding performed by your Brother-In-Law (I’m assuming he isnt a Catholic priest from what you said.) While it’s insensitive for her to indirectly point out the way you are not in contact with your family, I would hope she just means it as a way to say she considers you a part of the family and loves you. Also, maybe it’s that she feels lucky to have the relationship with you and hopes you feel lucky to have it too.

Like I said before, I understand why you are frustrated, but his family seems really well meaning and supportive. So I would just try to remind yourself that these things come from a place of love. 

Post # 6
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Sounds like my brother’s in-laws. It’s a constant and sad battle with them, since he and his wife live closeby. I honestly think that you guys should still elope. Take this day back for yourself. Even if it has to be in secret to keep from ruffling too many feathers….you have to at least be able to set some boundaries, otherwise you’ll be miserable with these people the rest of your life!


ETA: And I should probably add that the most striking thing about this is people feeling the need to push religion on you. As an athiest, and someone who would never demand that of someone, I always find it alarmingly offensive when people get religion thrust on them by their familes when it comes to their wedding. So that’s probably what reminds me most of my brother’s issues!

Post # 7
1765 posts
Buzzing bee


Hi, I agree with @Pwitty: about how your Future Mother-In-Law feels about you and your relationship with her. Maybe she feels closer to you than you actually do to her, but I am sure that many woman would give their eye teeth to have a Future Mother-In-Law that feels that is not only accepting of you, but feeling a strong mother daughter bond with you.  I am sure that she is just really excited for you, and does feel that you are indeed part of the family. But she can’t be a mind reader. I grew up in a Catholic home, so it is pretty important to the family for it to be Catholic-and maybe she thinks her son wants this??  She may be assuming things, or waiting for you to take the reins.  It is nice of you to consider their family dynamics-and be grateful for that, but they are also being generous enough to host it in their home.   I am sure that she meant nothing negative with any comments.   She certainly can’t be a mind reader.  I think there might be some misunderstandings/assumptions that you both are making due to lack of communication.  Maybe you could sit down with her, and let her know how you are feeling and have a nice conversation about what it is that is important to you.  As for the wedding ceremony and “reception” even if you are not into the “big white dress” I am sure that there are things that if you thought about it-that “are you and your FI” and that are meaningful to the two of you that you would want to incorporate into your wedding day whatever that may be-whether that is the ceremony vows, or your favorite things that you would like to incorporate into your day that is what you can do for yourself.  Also, I know it is Christmas Eve, but I don’t know why you couldn’t invite a few close friends.  I wish you well. 🙂

Post # 8
875 posts
Busy bee

I’m reading this note, and I thinking that your perspective and your fiance’s family’s perspective are definitely at opposing views, and I’m not sure that you realize how much your views conflict with the viewpoint of his family.  The grandfather who refers to himself as the patriarch of the family is correct.  He is the oldest male, and as such as a position of honor and respect within his family.  It’s a very traditional viewpoint and a woman in that same position is called the matriarch.  Not a big deal, but your comments show that you are really disregarding the grandfather’s place of honor within his own family…which from your comments about your own family are probably actually because you have so little contact with your own family(that his family’s reactions seem annoying to you).  Your fiance is probably considered a great blessing to his family, so they can’t imagine not being there on his big day.  I think if I were you, I’d try to find a balance in this event.  Find a way to include your friends in your ceremony, and try to figure out that his relationship to his family is different than your family’s.  I’m sure that you have some major reasons to not be in contact with your family, but don’t let that negative past cause you to miss out on a blessing that comes along with your future husband!  I agree with the comments that others have made that it would probably make a strong Catholic very uncomfortable to have an at home wedding ceremony, because within that faith, it is not really an option, so that would be a streatch for them as well.  So the FILs are probably feeling like they would feel more comfortable at least recognizing God within the ceremony at their house.   I know it seems annoying to you, but it might seem less annoying if you think that you love being with their son, grandson, nephew, cousin, and brother, and that he probably wouldn’t be the man he is today without their guidance, care and love.  I think they are going to try to love and care for you because they love him!  Wishing you blessings of love and joy! 

Post # 10
318 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

You definitely have my sympathy…

We’re getting married in his hometown and his family wants very much to be a part of the wedding planning to the point that they’ve lied to me about what is “mandatory” in a Catholic wedding in order to convince me to do things the way they want.

I feel like it’s becoming less and less my wedding and more about them throwing a huge party for all their friends and family, for me to pick up the tab.

I’m limiting wedding-related talk around them and talking to Fiance about it. I don’t know if securing a venue would be possible at this point for you, but it could be helpful. At least then the wedding wouldn’t be in their home and you could have a little more control over it. It’s about you and your Fiance, your relationship, your love, your marriage. Don’t feel like you “have” to do things their way.

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