Bee I’m sorry you’re having a crappy time with your daughter, I’m going to advise you based on my own experience with this behaviour when I was that age and now being an adult who can reflect.
Her grades are not the most important thing, her mental health is. Full stop. I’m sure you agree however it’s very easy to criticise as an adult but when you have the type of personality your daughter has (which seems just like mine) you see criticism in everything anyone says.
Moving onto the alcohol issue, have you spoken about alcool freely in your home? Would she have felt like she could’ve rung you to go and pick her up? (so she didnt have to drive when the irresponsible college student friend told her to leave) obviously we shouldn’t encourage 17 year olds to drink however she needs to know that if she ever does, she can ring you without fear of you being irate.
Taking her phone off her – this is a tough one, when my parents ever took my phone off me, it made me more mad and upset, it literally did the opposite of what it was supposed to do. Phones are very necessary in this day and age, and are sometimes essential especially when it comes to safety etc. You took it off her to teach her responsibility and that she should pay for it herself, when actually you’ve taken it off her as a punishment, if she hadn’t have damaged her car she’d still have her phone. I feel she’s been punished twice for the damage to her car, she had both her phone and car taken away.
You said you confronted her about her having sex, that’s a very privat issue and it must be hard to accept your children getting older and becoming adults, but whether she’s having sex is literally nothing to do with you. You should have sat down with her to make sure she was being safe and that should have been the end of it. You said she needed to come to you as your health insurance covers contraceptives, no one is going to have sex for thr first time and come home and tell their parents whether they’re 17 or 27 or 37, it’s unrealistic to expect that from her. On the other issue regarding this boy, very odd for him to be saying things like he is however if you share your disapproval with her you’re going to push her towards him. I would tread carefully here, it’s very weird and slightly worrying that he is saying things like that, maybe he doesn’t know how to express his feelings for your daughter in a normal way and thinks saying the things he’s saying is flattering?
Going through her phone… eeesh, I know you’re trying to protect her by finding out what’s going on in her life but going through her phone is a BIG no no. She is a person and like any person deserves privacy, she needs to grow up knowing that she’s entitled to privacy. The only reason kids hide stuff from their parents is because they think they will get in trouble, I think there has been a break down in communication and that needs to be rebuilt. She needs to come home where you know she is safe. I left home at 18 and my mum now says she wishes she would have sat down with me to discuss the issues we were having rather than me feeling like I couldn’t live in my own home and her feeling like she couldn’t even breathe without me either taking offence or it causing an argument.
I have gotten my mum to look at your post and she agrees with things I have written. She is becoming an adult but she still needs protecting, my mum says being a parent to a nearly adult I’d the hardest thing in the word and thinks most parents make the same mistakes as eachother.
Get her to come home and to talk, don’t nag her but explain calmly why you’re upset, but please take on board mine and my mums comments. Things will get better and in a few years time when she’s in her 20s it’ll be like none of this ever happened. You’re obviously a very good mum, you obviously care a hell of a lot, good luck bee, I hope I’ve been even an inch helpful.