(Closed) My teen daughter has been lying.. she left home.

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Hostess
3875 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I was also the oldest of 4 and I felt like my parents only wanted me around to take care of the other kids. They were so busy with my siblings they had no idea what was going on in my life. I felt like they only talked to me when I did something wrong. I am in no way saying you and your Darling Husband are like this! But I wonder if she’s having some of those same struggles. 

Post # 17
Member
30 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2016

My utmost sympathy and empathy to you. You are in such a difficult position. 

Having gone through a similar experience with FI’s eldest (now 17) I know what it’s like. SD left home, moved in with her boyfriend, dropped out of school and is currently pregnant with her second child (the first was born when she was fifteen and seized by Children’s Aide after she moved out and couldn’t take care of him. The boyfriends parents are currently raising him). Fiance and I sought out a family counsellor for advice on how to get her back on track and come home. The advice we got was that there is nothing we can do. We have raised her well and provided everything a child could want from a stable home, to good morals and values, to solid role models, to a few luxuries. But she has made her own choices and all we can do is keep the lines of communication open and encourage contact and family involvement. 

I hope your daughter sees what she has in her family and comes home before her choices lead her into a life she can’t escape from. Keep talking, invite her for diner, try to make it pleasant so she misses it. Once they are at the age where they can legally live on their own there is so little we can do if they are determined enough to go that route. 

Post # 18
Hostess
3875 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

Your updates are breaking my heart. For you, for your daughter, for my daughter, and for who I was at 17. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I hate what I put my poor mom through. I’m sorry she’s not sering the pain she is causing you! There is no one more self centered than a teenager!

Post # 19
Member
4260 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

Well I would keep trying.  You have her phone, so I wold message all of her friends.  Call the mother of of that boy. You need to find her first, and then beg her to come home!  She is a legal adult yes, but she still needs her mama, and she will always know you kept trying.  You can’t do more than keep trying.  And hopefully you will be able to convince her to go to couselling with you, so that as a family you are all working to the same goal.

I would not be concerned with making her be a good example right now.  I would be more concerned with getting her some help to get back to a place where her actions are not self destructive.  

Post # 20
Member
3833 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I think if she wants to come back I would let her, just because I would be worried about what would happen to her if you didn’t. She is obviously very young and off the rails and if she does want to come back I would give her a second chance. If she does it multiple times then other action might be necessary, but cross that bridge if it comes. Stupid as she is being I think you need to continue giving her love while not being a doormat. It’s a tricky line to walk but in the end if she feels she can’t come home she could get into worse trouble. I hope she comes to her senses.

For what it’s worth my sister did the same thing – left the house one night at age 17 (still in school) and refused to say where she was for a while. She eventually got over the stupid rebellious phase and regained a close loving relationship with our parents, got a nursing degree and got married. There is still hope. Does your daughter have younger siblings? Because honestly I think my big sister leaving affected me more than my parents. I felt like she had abandoned me and didn’t love me enough to even tell me where she was. I basically became the oldest child (I was 14) and I don’t have any of those big sister memories like helping get ready for prom or talking about boys or going shopping. Perhaps you could tell her this and ask her to as least visit for her sibling’s sake, then you might at least be able to see how she is doing.

Edit: I just saw she’s only been gone two hours. There could be a good chance she comes back today or in the next few days.

Post # 22
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Bee I’m sorry you’re having a crappy time with your daughter, I’m going to advise you based on my own experience with this behaviour when I was that age and now being an adult who can reflect.

Her grades are not the most important thing, her mental health is. Full stop. I’m sure you agree however it’s very easy to criticise as an adult but when you have the type of personality your daughter has (which seems just like mine) you see criticism in everything anyone says. 

Moving onto the alcohol issue, have you spoken about alcool freely in your home? Would she have felt like she could’ve rung you to go and pick her up? (so she didnt have to drive when the irresponsible college student friend told her to leave) obviously we shouldn’t encourage 17 year olds to drink however she needs to know that if she ever does, she can ring you without fear of you being irate. 

Taking her phone off her – this is a tough one, when my parents ever took my phone off me, it made me more mad and upset, it literally did the opposite of what it was supposed to do. Phones are very necessary in this day and age, and are sometimes essential especially when it comes to safety etc. You took it off her to teach her responsibility and that she should pay for it herself, when actually you’ve taken it off her as a punishment, if she hadn’t have damaged her car she’d still have her phone. I feel she’s been punished twice for the damage to her car, she had both her phone and car taken away.

You said you confronted her about her having sex, that’s a very privat issue and it must be hard to accept your children getting older and becoming adults, but whether she’s having sex is literally nothing to do with you. You should have sat down with her to make sure she was being safe and that should have been the end of it. You said she needed to come to you as your health insurance covers contraceptives, no one is going to have sex for thr first time and come home and tell their parents whether they’re 17 or 27 or 37, it’s unrealistic to expect that from her. On the other issue regarding this boy, very odd for him to be saying things like he is however if you share your disapproval with her you’re going to push her towards him. I would tread carefully here, it’s very weird and slightly worrying that he is saying things like that, maybe he doesn’t know how to express his feelings for your daughter in a normal way and thinks saying the things he’s saying is flattering?

Going through her phone… eeesh, I know you’re trying to protect her by finding out what’s going on in her life but going through her phone is a BIG no no. She is a person and like any person deserves privacy, she needs to grow up knowing that she’s entitled to privacy. The only reason kids hide stuff from their parents is because they think they will get in trouble, I think there has been a break down in communication and that needs to be rebuilt. She needs to come home where you know she is safe. I left home at 18 and my mum now says she wishes she would have sat down with me to discuss the issues we were having rather than me feeling like I couldn’t live in my own home and her feeling like she couldn’t even breathe without me either taking offence or it causing an argument. 

I have gotten my mum to look at your post and she agrees with things I have written. She is becoming an adult but she still needs protecting, my mum says being a parent to a nearly adult I’d the hardest thing in the word and thinks most parents make the same mistakes as eachother. 

Get her to come home and to talk, don’t nag her but explain calmly why you’re upset, but please take on board mine and my mums comments. Things will get better and in a few years time when she’s in her 20s it’ll be like none of this ever happened. You’re obviously a very good mum, you obviously care a hell of a lot, good luck bee, I hope I’ve been even an inch helpful.

 

Post # 23
Member
81 posts
Worker bee

Mrs.MilitaryBee:  It sounds like she is just really really embarrassed that she was caught. She doesn’t want to admit that she was having sex because it is humiliating for her. When I was a teen I wasn’t open about anything with my parents like that. I would deny deny deny and say “ew”. Since she now knows that she can get birth control if she needs it, maybe the next best step is to pretend like none of this ever happened. At the very least she might feel more comfortable to talk to you. The more you get to talk to her like every thing is okay, the more she will want to be around you. I’d make sure to invite her back home every day and to invite her to do fun family things. 

When she does finally come around, try to be as involved in her life as possible so that she doesn’t spend her free time with gross creepy guys trying to make babies. Maybe if you are always around her and show her how to have fun without getting in trouble, she will eventually lose interest in her bad friends. 

Post # 24
Member
7778 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Call the boys mom and make sure you two are on the same page. Make sure she isn’t helping them out. I doubt life will look so good to her after a couple days with no phone or car or money. Call all her friends, and their moms. 

Post # 25
Member
1988 posts
Buzzing bee

jcent:  Mrs.MilitaryBee:  I also say have a heart to heart. Explain that as much as you would like to, you can no longer protect her and keep her from making mistakes. That part of being an adult is making mistakes…. And owning them. Accepting dealing with the consequences they bring. That you just wish she is happy and doesn’t have a hard life. But that you cannot keep her from choosing a path that will lead to hardships. 

Ask her what is it that she wants. 

I’m so sorry, Bee. And I don’t mean this is the case with your daughter but some food for thought. Sometimes we are quick to judge teen’s actions by them just being rebellious. That is not always the case. My sister was the absolute worse nightmare for my parents when she was a teen. She stopped following rules. She would escape. She would drink and not care about a thing. She would want to go places and not even inform where she was going, let alone ask for permission. Mom took her to a psychologist. She would not talk a single word. This went on for months. And she even told mom to please not take her there anymore because she was not going to speak and it was a waste of time, energy and money. 

Most people thought it was just one of thoss terrible cases of teenage years. Well, no. My sister has some real mental health issues. Teenage years simply was when it all started to come to surface. It finally became clear when she joined the Navy and was discharged with a diagnosis. 

I truly hope in your daughter’s case it’s just a bad case of teenage stuff. And that soon enough she calms down and starts growing up. Stay strong, mama. HUGS

Post # 28
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Mrs.MilitaryBee:  I haven’t dealt with teenagers as a parent, but I did observe my aunt and uncle reform my out of control cousin.  

They killed her with love and attention instead of the tough love route.  She has a PhD in neuroscience now.  

My advice is to be on her like white on rice.  Sit with her as she does her homework.  Devote every minute of every day to her.  She might be of legal age in your state, but she’s still your immature child.  Fight for her.

Post # 29
Member
30 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Mrs.MilitaryBee:  when we met with the counsellor we were told that sometimes as a parent you can do everything right and it still turns out wrong. That despite everything you give to your child (and I’m not talking about the material stuff here – though our kids have had a pretty comfy life), that sometimes their own personality and stubbornness will lead them down the path you are terrified to see them go down. The fear is the worst. That and the self doubt and second guessing. We learned to let it go and focus on building the relationship. She says she’s independent and can take care of her self, so we just try to make our home as friendly and welcoming as possible. 

Be brave, be strong. Have faith. 

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