- Silver Plum Fairy
- 6 years ago
- Wedding: December 2012
So I had a temper tantrum yesterday. I mean foot stomping, floor punching, hair pulling (my own hair) TANTRUM. It was one of those moments I instantly regretted, especially since my Fiance witnessed the whole thing, and looked at me like I was crazy. Admittedly, for those few seconds, I was.
My Fiance and I have been having arguments on and off regularly for the past few weeks. Both of us are under a lot of stress. I really just want my Fiance and me to stop setting each other off. Yesterday our argument happened because we took our two dogs for a walk and he wanted to give them a bath afterwards. I was tired and already had plans to clean the house. I said no flat out. This got him upset and then I shut down (stop talking to him for a bit). He then proceeded to tell me that sometimes talking to me is like talking to a child. Now, I may shut down, but I pride myself on never saying anything cruel. I felt this was pretty cruel. He then said that he couldn’t keep doing this. Which I took as US and this really upset me (major shut down right here).
A few minutes later, I went to him and asked why he would say such hurtful things. I asked him why he said “I can’t do this anymore”. He said he meant the arguing. I told him how am I supposed to take a statement like that. Of course, I’m going to assume he means us…So I decided to try and meet him half way and help him clean the dogs. He said no. I said, no really let me help. He said no…. Enter Temper tantrum…
I need to vent, so bear with me as I share why we have been so stressed lately.
1. My mom. A year ago my mom was diagnosed ovarian cancer. They later discovered the ovarian cancer was a secondary cancer. She was diagnosed with unknown primary cancer. I didn’t even know this existed. After not responding to treatment, in April, my mom was told she has about a year to live. She lives on the other side of the country and she came to live out here with my brother and me, but she only stayed two months as she began to feel lonely and homesick. We tried to convince her to stay, but my mom had made her mind up. I took her back home in June to live with my grandparents. Her stuff is in storage in the city I live in, and my brother and me are working on going through it. I hate it. It’s like she already gone and we are going through her possessions. It’s heartbreaking to think that she won’t get to enjoy her golden years, I won’t be able to pick up the phone and call her, and she won’t meet her grandchildren. I try not to think about this…it makes me cry.
2. My Dad. My dad got married just over a year ago to a woman 20 years his junior from Indonesia. We were happy for him, but right after my Fiance and I got engaged (3 months after their wedding) we barely saw him. We live in the same city. I haven’t seen him in 4 months. He never calls to get together. He bought a new house in February and I still haven’t seen it. He also chose not to help out with the wedding very much. I feel weird about this one, but I thought my dad would be there both emotionally and financially for my wedding preparations. I have emailed him and told him how I feel and he told me he loves me and that we will try to repair our relationship. I set up a dinner that both my brother and I could go to, but my dad has been travelling a lot, so he couldn’t go. Which is fair. I will set up another time. Hopefully I can fix this problem.
3. Fast tracking life plans. I am a bit of a 5 year planner. I have things I would like to achieve in certain time periods. We bought our first dog last year. We love him and he adds so much joy to our life, but we always wanted two. Well, we decided to wait until after the wedding to buy a female. Last fall, my fiancé kept bothering me that our little guy (okay he’s 100 pound dog, but will always be my little guy) was lonely. He convinced me, and in March we bought our little girl. We love her, but having a six month old puppy who is teething (she’s been chewing on our carpet and hardwood..JOY!)and during walks she lunges at passing cars and barks. This is a problem and takes time in training. It will be worth it because she is awesome and I am so glad we got her, but just another stressor.
Related to this is that we just bought our first home. Again this was in our 2-3 year plan, but circumstances arose that got us looking and within a month and a half we went from not even considering buying a house, to having a mortgage. This was brought on a bit by our previous living arrangements. We lived on the company property where my Fiance works. He was struggling with his boss and wanted to not be a 2 minute walk away from his work (we could literally see it from the front door). So we MOVED. Our house is beautiful. The area is perfect. I love it. I see our future children growing up in our house. It’s just been stressful moving the past few weeks and dealing with all fun of getting a mortgage and paying closing costs.
4. My FI’s work. Last weekend when Fiance and I were moving, Fiance got a text from his boss. He meant to reply, but forgot about it and by the time he remembered, the day was over. The next day, while I was busy loading the truck, he decided to go into work and say Hi and pick up some stuff. His boss kept him for about 30 minutes talking work stuff, even though he knew we were moving. Within minutes of coming back to help me, Fiance got a call. Boss asked him if he got the text. He admitted that he had. Boss got super pissed and said “Well, don’t bother coming this week. I don’t need you.” My Fiance works his butt off at this job. Putting in 14-16 hours a day, while his boss comes in for 4 hours to eat lunch, go on the computer, and yell at the staff. He gets mad at my Fiance when he works long hours and also gets mad when my Fiance works less hours and doesn’t get as much done.
So my Fiance took his week off. Met with a lawyer, and is going in to quit today, arguing constructive dismissal.
5. My FI’s lack of help both financially and planning wise with the wedding. I have given my Fiance a list. I gave it to him in February. He hasn’t done one thing on the list. Now this one is a bit petty as my Fiance had his pay deducted to live on company property as well as he paid for all our bills. I paid him what I thought was half…I later found out it wasn’t…in my defence though COMMUNICATION helps!
– He was supposed to take care of the Honeymoon…now this he helped find. We put a deposit down in January, but I was the one who researched flight and their costs, and paid for both our flights.
– He was supposed to find a bakery for the wedding cake. I did.
-We need an officiant, limo service, and these haven’t been done.
This is fine. We still have time, but I would have liked a little bit more motivation to get some wedding stuff done, instead of let’s get a dog! Let’s get a house! I guess the wedding is my dream, not his. His is just to marry me.
I’ve also been paying for almost everything in regards to the wedding (wedding bands, venue deposit, honeymoon flight, décor, etc). This was fine, until I also paid closing costs, the appraisal and the home inspection for the house. My savings, is almost cleaned out. I also paid for our little girl puppy. Something my Fiance said he would cover by selling hockey cards. (I got a fantastic tax return and decided to buy her, but I thought he could still sell the cards and we would have money saved for the wedding). Instead he put himself into credit card debt, by buying me a $1,500 painting for 25th birthday. I also found out during the mortgage process that he took out a loan for my engagement ring and has been making monthly payments to pay it off. I love my ring and the painting and it’s so sweet that he wants to get me these things, but I do not need to be spoiled like that. I’ve told him so. I would also like to know when he is struggling financially so that I can help him, instead of finding out so far along when he has a bit of a hole to climb out of.
Now my FI’s lack of interest may be due to the stress he’s had at work and how work takes the majority of his time, so I try to be understanding about it.
So that is my rant. Sorry for it being so long. I just needed to get it out. I’m hoping this helps me from going crazy again.
When it comes down to it. I have a fabulous future husband. A man who has stood by me through worse than this. A man that wants to give me the world. I have two fantastic in laws who have helped me plan our wedding and helped us buy our home. I have a mom whom I can tell I love everyday, an opportunity I know not everyone has. I have a dad who loves me, despite himself and I am confident we can work through this.