- 6 years ago
- Wedding: August 2012
I’m okay with my Fiance going to a strip club for his bachelor party. All that will happen is his friends will buy him lap dances, the strippers will dance around on him, but they won’t have any real interest – they just want his buddie’s cash. It’s not like he would actually be intimate with them. It’s just for show.
Guys will be guys – it’s in their nature to look. As long as they don’t touch, I don’t see a problem. I’m definitely straight, but sometimes I’ll even point out women to him like “can you believe how much her a** is hanging out?” or “Wow, that girl is gorgeous.” Because people like to “people watch” – we are curious beings.
I think of it this way: if I gave him trouble for looking at other women, he would still do it because he’s a guy. Fact: men look at attractive woman regardless of their relationship status. They may do it less in front of their SO’s if they know their SO’s don’t like it, but they’ll still do it. They can’t help it.
When they look but know they aren’t supposed to, I imagine this can make them feel like they are lying or hiding something from their SO’s – which would make them feel both immoral and constricted. Why would I want my Fiance to feel that way? I want him to feel that he can always be open with me and trust me. My attitude toward him looking at other women makes him feel trusted. I know in my heart that he doesn’t want to be with any other woman but me. And that trust is more valuable than anything I can imagine.
It reminds me of when religion dictates that boys/men shouldn’t masterbate. They’re going to masterbate anyway – only they’ll feel guilty for it. It doesn’t make any sense to me. Why put them through that emotional turmoil for being who they are?
I’m aware that looking at other women (because they can’t help it sometimes) and going to strip clubs for bachelor parties (because they want to be one of the guys) are two different things – but they both fall under the same category: one of trust and security.
And you know how this approach has worked for me? All his friends tell him how lucky he is to have such a realistic, understanding fiancee who trusts him so much. He recently told me that during a bachelor party of a friend, he and his buddies had an in-depth conversation on how they wished their SO’s would approach it the same way – how they think it would make them feel more at ease to not be given dirty looks from their SO’s every time they look at other women for half a second (sometimes they don’t even look on purpose, that’s just where they happen to glance at that moment) – how they would feel so much less emasculated if they didn’t have to tell their engaged friend that they can’t attend his bachelor party if they go to a strip club because their SO’s “wont let” them, even if they are not planning to get lap dances and really only want to go to be with their friends and feel like one of the guys. They talked about how much they loved their SO’s and would never want to do anything to hurt them, but that they sometimes feel that their SO’s don’t fully trust them enough to know that they would never cheat.
I want to make it clear what I am not talking about: I am not talking about him hitting on other women, going to strip clubs for reasons other than bachelor parties, or him doing anything other than looking. Please do not construe my words for anything more than they are.
Maybe it’s because I grew up around a lot of guys and used to be quite the tomboy, but men want to be understood by women just as much as women want to be understood by men. If you really think for a second that there are any (straight) men out there who never even glance at other women, then you are delusional. If you are not comfotable with your SO going to strip clubs I totally respect that, but reconsidering your opinion on the matter wouldn’t hurt. Being able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes is, in my opinion, a highly desirable trait. One that can improve relationships and prevent unnecessary conflict. The right men want what the right women want: trust, fidelity, and openess – but also a degree of personal freedom. If you and your SO’s opinions on this matter differ, think about how you would feel if your SO got upset with you if he saw you glancing at other guys or forbid you from going to bachelorette parties involving strip clubs. Would you feel that he doesn’t trust you? That he would be exerting too much control over what you do?
Everyone has different boundaries, which – again – I totally respect, but reconsidering those boundaries for the sake of the person you love and having an open mind is certainly admirable.