(Closed) My timeline update

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I think it merits a talk with your SO– preferably before the 5 year mark.  Does he know how you feel about marriage? Sit him down, say you’ve dated for five years and you don’t feel like the relationship is progressing the way you would like it to.  Ask him if he has thoughts or suggestions and just try to keep the conversation diplomatic and free of too much emotion– don’t get sad, angry, etc, just try and see where you both stand. 

Post # 4
Member
3968 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Yeah, have you had a discussion about engagement with him? IF he said (a while ago) eh, not yet… then I totally understand how you feel. But maybe things have changed and he might be working on a proposal (possible, who knows) so I’d hate for you to walk. However, I do think a talk woudl be good, so if you do leave it’s not out of the blue. It’s not an ultimatum, it’s saying what you need.

Post # 5
Member
3968 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

By the way 2012 is the year of my 5th anniversary, too, but SO and I had a talk and agreed that it would happen by then. I was hoping by last June, but it didn’t happen. At this point, I am so tired of waiting, but we compromised and I have to give him the time and space to make it happen.

Post # 6
Member
812 posts
Busy bee

@bookworm88:  well said 🙂

I 100% agree with bookworm88, you need to talk to him for your own peace of mind. Did he know about your timeline?

Post # 7
Member
823 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I agree with the above comments — sounds like you need to have another talk with your boyfriend. You said that one year was the timeline you set for yourself, but did you talk to your boyfriend about your expectations? If so, maybe see where his heat is at now. Maybe wait until March (if that is the time you agreed upon) has come and gone before maybe questioning his plans. Five years does seem like a long time though, and I would hope that after five years he would know if he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you or not. 

Post # 8
Member
1278 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I think before you end anything you owe it to him to put all the cards out on the table. Worth a shot anyway!

Post # 10
Member
3968 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I don’t think you’re being selfish. If your SO is unable to discuss a timeline after this sort of time, I totally understand your wanting to leave. I would suggest though, bringing it up again, asking for a rough timeline  (i.e. by when.. so you can give him a chance), and if he still can’t do that, then you can tell him, I love you, but I cannot make sacrifices in my own life for a relationship that is clearly not going where I need it to go. If we cannot have a conversation about reasonable timelines and expectations, I am going to have to leave the relationship by X time.

 

I think that’s reasonable, as unemotional as possible, and only fair. My SO was very relectuant to promise anything, because he just didn’t know when he was going to feel ready. I basically had a breakdown and had to say, listen, I’m planning on moving 500 miles to live with you… it’ll be 5 years when that happens. I am not doing LD anymore. I either need a commitment or a timeline. I understood why he wasn’t ready a year before, but I was like, come on. He hadn’t been thinking about it at all! My moving wasn’t a big deal to him! Oh, the frustration!!!! But now I know, he’s planning to propose by our 5th anniversary, and he knows, if for some reason that doesn’t happen, something’s gotta give (unless it is a seroius reason, of course).

ANyway, sorry for the long response. I think you’re justified. By The Way I don’t know how old you or your SO are, but it’s sounding like this is definitely not ridiculous at this point.

Post # 11
Member
3968 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Sorry just saw that you’re 25. I am 23, SO is 25. Anyway.

Post # 12
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I think you’ve discussed it enough with him, but you still owe him a sit-down before you leave.  He’s been asking for pictures of rings and you’re still young– perhaps he’s got something up his sleeve, but you’re perfectly within your rights to need more transparency in the process.  

If it comes down to it, lay it out for him– you’re thinking about moving on from the relationship to find what you need because your needs aren’t being met. 

Post # 13
Member
812 posts
Busy bee

I think you need/deserve to be given a timeline. I am 28 and been with SO for 2 and a half years (not long but feels it when you’re that bit older) and I know exactly how you feel – you just need the security of knowing it’s going to happen and getting a general ‘it’ll happen one day’ isn’ enough – maybe like me you worry you’ll waste your life on someone who won’t commit to you.

After literally months of anrguements due to my moodswings caused by my anxiety about the future SO finally said, ‘we’ll be engaged by the time you are 30’. Because ‘by the time’ is up for interpretation and could either mean before I am 30 or before I am 31 (as in when I am 30) I got him to clarify and agree to ‘before I am 30’.

You have no idea how much better I feel. I am going to do my best not to mention it again unless he doesn’t propose in that timeframe. I feel farmore secure and in control of my future – I can now plan where in the country to work better etc now that I know.

You deserve the same, I think you have to agree on a timeline and if he doesn’t stick to it then he has to know there will be consequences such as you moving on

Post # 14
Member
27 posts
Newbee

@SusieInTheSunshine:  

Hi there – we are in similar situations.   5th anniv. is coming up in April.  He’s been sending mixed signals over the past 6 months, and I have been stressed and anxious about the situation since I confronted him back in Dec.  I explained I was not happy, he said he wasn’t ready.  I mentally put myself on a timeline. I agree with what you said : ” Either way I am fully capable of handling it but I just wish I was not in this position, it sucks. “

I can’t keep myself in limbo forever. I once had a counselor who explained that being in limbo /transition is the least healthy place to be.  And I am really feeling it now.  But at the same time, over the past few months, I have begun to accept that if he is not ready for the same level of committment than I am, he may not be the right one. 

Leaving at the 5 year mark may seem arbitrary to some, but at the same time,  I have to put a stake in the ground at some point, and that is a more than reasonable “waiting period” In My Humble Opinion.

The good news for you is that you’re still young.  There are plenty of guys in their early to mid thirties who are going to be available and looking to settle down, if you end up “back out there…”

 

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