- Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise
So, everyone has mostly already said what I wanted to say. The part I didn’t see, I am going to put out there myself.
I’ll start with the caveat that I was in an abusive relationship, just so you know this is coming from experience. This is coming from compassion. I still have some challenging things to say to you.
You say that you want to “warn” this person he’s going to marry because she’s nice and not at all like him. Following that thread back, I have to ask; what would you have done if an ex of his had approached you saying the same things, before the abuse started?
Would you have been able to hear what she was saying and act accordigly, or would you have justified his actions, explained that no, he wasn’t like that. Told her that things were different for the two of you, and dismissed her as crazy or obsessed.
Be really honest when you consider this question.
Now, however you think you might have reacted is ultimately irrelevant, but it might give you some perspective into just how pointless such a declaration would be. Has it not occurred to you that abusers tend to innoculate against exes when the find someone new? “She was crazy! You have no idea what she put me through! I’m so happy to be with someone who isn’t like HER at all” It’s a pretty typical MO. They don’t want to run the risk of the kind of conversation you’re suggesting, so they undermine your authority and credibility in advance.
It would be worse than pointless; it would be an invitation for your ex to re-engage. Is that what you want? Because you are talking about doing the #1 thing to create that outcome as fast as possible. It ultimately doesn’t matter what you say to us, but you should at least try to be honest with yourself.
Finally, there’s another thread I’m picking up in this that has it’s own troubling implications. You’re upset this girl doesn’t know what he’s like (she might know perfectly well – you knew and still wanted to marry him) but what I think you’re MORE upset about is that people are congratulating him. That they still think he’s an a-ok guy. That even though you know what a monster he is, people still like and are happy for him,
My ex husband is the most likable guy. Ever. My MOTHER sided with him against me when I left him. I didn’t tell anyone about the abuse because I was ashamed, but also because NO ONE believed me when I first told them. Eventually, he admitted it to enough people that they came around, but he managed to paint me as the adulteress who broke his heart to everyone on the outside, even though that was nowhere near the truth.
It was incredibly hard to face. I knew I was being judged for something I hadn’t done, and everybody still thought he was a great guy; a victim of my cruelty. This was in the days before social media, but I can only imagine how it would have played out there.
You have to ask yourself if you really care. If people are not important enough to you that you feel able to share this deeply initmate detail, then their opinion of his upcoming marriage is uninformed and irrelevant. Why it still bothers you so much, why it spurs such a feeling of injustice, is something you should really be examining in yourself. Who cares what anyone else thinks? You know the truth, and that should be enough for you.
Focus on feeling gratitude for the love you have in your life. For the understanding of people who know the truth and support you. Ignore everyone else.
And for the love of GOD, block him on social media everywhere. Forever. Amen.