My very abusive ex bf got engaged and people are congratulating him…

posted 2 years ago in 30 Something
Post # 46
Member
402 posts
Helper bee

somethingblue222 :  I’m sorry if you said this in your post but does your husband know about what happened? Maybe you can talk to him and tell him about how you feel bad for this fiance and don’t know what to do. I don’t think you should talk to her but I think maybe you need to “get it out” and have your feeling validated (from a loved one not the interwebs). ♥️.  I obviously agree with not following him anymore. I think if I found out my shitty ex got engaged I’d just have to laugh (he cheated on me and lied all the time and I’m just so relieved to not have him in my life now). I think that’s why some others on here recommend counseling- you are now married and it seems you’re pretty caught up on an ex’s life, it sound like you never got closure or self validation from everything that happened.

Post # 47
Member
402 posts
Helper bee

I’m sorry if you said this in your post but does your husband know about what happened? Maybe you can talk to him and tell him about how you feel bad for this fiance and don’t know what to do. I don’t think you should talk to her but I think maybe you need to “get it out” and have your feeling validated (from a loved one not the interwebs). ♥️. I obviously agree with not following him anymore. I think if I found out my shitty ex got engaged I’d just have to laugh (he cheated on me and lied all the time and I’m just so relieved to not have him in my life now). I think that’s why some others on here recommend counseling- you are now married and it seems you’re pretty caught up on an ex’s life, it sound like you never got closure or self validation from everything that happened.

Post # 48
Member
9224 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

be happy that he is someone else’s problem and not yours and move on.  you are married, stop dwelling on him and what he is doing.

Post # 49
Member
5035 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

OP, there is only so much in your power and it is not your job to rescue anyone but yourself.  I totally get wanting to warn others or expose him for who he truly is.  Please put your well being first and completely remove your abusive ex from your life.  As others have suggested this goes beyond just unfriending on social media but blocking every single avenue you could possibly cross paths with him.  This may even involve letting go of some mutual friends.  You may have left him but by continuing on as you are you are is in essence prolonging the hurt associated with the abuse.

Decide today you are done, and be done with it.

Post # 50
Member
1360 posts
Bumble bee

I think it’s always hard to see an ex move on and treat a new partner better than he or she treated you. Focus on your current life rather than dwelling on the person he was when you were together. You are safe and happy and now married to a man that surely loves and supports you. Focus on that rather than dwelling in the past.

Post # 51
Member
1484 posts
Bumble bee

I get it Bee. It’s so unfair. That this horrible person seems to have moved on and everyone seems to love him. But keep in mind a handful of pictures on Facebook are not the whole story. You really don’t know what’s going on in his life. I creep my abusive ex once in a blue moon too and it blows my mind that he’s married with a baby. How someone so horrible could sustain that is unreal. 

What helps me is just focusing on my inner circle. My people. My friends, my family and my wonderful SO. Do things for yourself that enrich your life. Including therapy because it can be very liberating and validating to have someone hear your story. Hugs

Post # 52
Member
1484 posts
Bumble bee

calistray :  great advice bee. Glad you were able to move on and in a good place

Post # 53
Member
2265 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

So, everyone has mostly already said what I wanted to say. The part I didn’t see, I am going to put out there myself.

I’ll start with the caveat that I was in an abusive relationship, just so you know this is coming from experience. This is coming from compassion. I still have some challenging things to say to you.

Here goes.

You say that you want to “warn” this person he’s going to marry because she’s nice and not at all like him. Following that thread back, I have to ask; what would you have done if an ex of his had approached you saying the same things, before the abuse started?

Would you have been able to hear what she was saying and act accordigly, or would you have justified his actions, explained that no, he wasn’t like that. Told her that things were different for the two of you, and dismissed her as crazy or obsessed.

Be really honest when you consider this question.

Now, however you think you might have reacted is ultimately irrelevant, but it might give you some perspective into just how pointless such a declaration would be. Has it not occurred to you that abusers tend to innoculate against exes when the find someone new? “She was crazy! You have no idea what she put me through! I’m so happy to be with someone who isn’t like HER at all” It’s a pretty typical MO. They don’t want to run the risk of the kind of conversation you’re suggesting, so they undermine your authority and credibility in advance.

It would be worse than pointless; it would be an invitation for your ex to re-engage. Is that what you want? Because you are talking about doing the #1 thing to create that outcome as fast as possible. It ultimately doesn’t matter what you say to us, but you should at least try to be honest with yourself.

Finally, there’s another thread I’m picking up in this that has it’s own troubling implications. You’re upset this girl doesn’t know what he’s like (she might know perfectly well – you knew and still wanted to marry him) but what I think you’re MORE upset about is that people are congratulating him. That they still think he’s an a-ok guy. That even though you know what a monster he is, people still like and are happy for him,

My ex husband is the most likable guy. Ever. My MOTHER sided with him against me when I left him. I didn’t tell anyone about the abuse because I was ashamed, but also because NO ONE believed me when I first told them. Eventually, he admitted it to enough people that they came around, but he managed to paint me as the adulteress who broke his heart to everyone on the outside, even though that was nowhere near the truth.

It was incredibly hard to face. I knew I was being judged for something I hadn’t done, and everybody still thought he was a great guy; a victim of my cruelty. This was in the days before social media, but I can only imagine how it would have played out there.

You have to ask yourself if you really care. If people are not important enough to you that you feel able to share this deeply initmate detail, then their opinion of his upcoming marriage is uninformed and irrelevant. Why it still bothers you so much, why it spurs such a feeling of injustice, is something you should really be examining in yourself. Who cares what anyone else thinks? You know the truth, and that should be enough for you.

Focus on feeling gratitude for the love you have in your life. For the understanding of people who know the truth and support you. Ignore everyone else.

And for the love of GOD, block him on social media everywhere. Forever. Amen.

Post # 54
Member
11001 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

somethingblue222 :  

Allow me to suggest The Betrayal Bond, by Patrick J Carnes, PhD.  Carnes does a great job of explaining why traumatic bonds are so much harder to break than healthy ones.

The book also includes specific exercises you can work on to get yourself through this.

There are legitimate psychological reasons why you’re having trouble letting go.  But, the Bees are right—you must delete and block now.

Do read the Betrayal Bond, it will really help you.

Post # 55
Member
432 posts
Helper bee

somethingblue222 : 

You care way too much about what other people think. I get it because you sort of remind me of myself years ago. You want them to see his vile personality the way you do. You don’t feel justice. Maybe you even feel a little abandoned and unsupported by your friends? …You want loyalty and you want them to shame him for the way he treated you instead of praising him for being the great guy they think he is. I get it, it’s extremely frustrating. However, you alone will NEVER change their perception of him. Don’t even try! Your friends only care about their own experiences with him and to them, he’s a great guy because their relationship was never that deep to begin with (not nearly as deep as yours was with him). You trying to convince them otherwise is a waste of your time and it will eventually make you look crazy… especially if you attempt communication with his fiancée… BAD idea! You will look like a desperate loser, word may get back to your husband about it and cause marital problems for you and last, there’s no way she will leave him based on anything you say. It’s also pretty clear that the couple you speak of is more friendly with him anyway! They’ve obviously made up their mind and have chosen him as the “closer” friend! So, it might be time to cut ties with your old life and start fresh… this includes those friends. It’s like a Band-Aid… it’s painful but just rip it off already and the pain will go away sooner! Your “friends” made up their mind so there’s no need for you to argue a case… it sucks but it is what it is. Saying goodbye to those friends and making new ones will help you to move forward. Right now, you seem stuck in the past. Life is about living in the present moment and embracing change. You will never be truly happy in your own marriage unless you stop with the histrionics.    

Again, I understand how you feel. Didn’t quite have the same exact experience but, I did date an emotionally abusive jerk for 7 years who wasted my life and strung me along. I don’t think a lot of people understand, when you are with someone for that long, it’s VERY hard to let go. So, I don’t judge you at all, I understand. One of the most painful things I had to go through after the big break up was purging my Facebook of him and all our memories together. I then deleted his family and all our “mutual” friends (who were more his friends than mine anyway). I did it all in one evening, did not drag it out, had my cry and slowly moved on. At the time, I was worried about acting childish by doing that but, it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made! In the end, I saved myself! I moved on faster and made a whole new group of friends and I even met someone else later! The perk? I don’t feel pissed off and depressed all the time and none of those “mutual” friends know my business either! They can’t go back to my ex and relay details of my life (like they were starting to). My Facebook isn’t tainted with the past in any way… and I’m WAY happier for it!

Post # 56
Member
1134 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2018 - Fremont, CA

It’s time to pull an Elsa and let it go.

Post # 57
Member
1308 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

then youʻre  either not truly over it or you have a really deep need to control what others think/feel.

neither are healthy. 

 

Post # 59
Member
12 posts
Newbee

MrsHarryDresden :  OT But I really hope your name is in reference to the Dresden Files and not just a really awesome coincidence!!!

OP: You’ve got this, lady! Just be stronger than the feelings that’ve disrupted your life so far. anyone who’s been through your shoes knows what you’re going through and is rooting for you to come out of this on top 🙂 

Post # 60
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee

somethingblue222 :  I went through and extremely abusive relationship and my advice is just get over it. It’s not your life anymore so it’s petty that you still care. Honestly, it sounds like you’re not completely over him if you still have such strong feelings (regardless if they’re negative or positive). I stayed mad about my ex for a long time and I had to make the conscious decision to not care anymore. You’re holding on and it’s making you worse off. It’s his life, stay out of it and work on moving on because that’s the only real problem here. 

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