My very abusive ex bf got engaged and people are congratulating him…

posted 2 years ago in 30 Something
Post # 61
Member
1463 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

I was in your shoes like 8 years ago. My ex wasn’t abusive, but he was a sociopath and serial cheater. For weeks and months after we broke up, I hated the fact that no one, including our grad school classmates, probably had a clue as to the extent of what he did to me. I hated that he left me dealing with depression and all sorts of crap while he walked away feeling no remorse and no consequences to himself. I stewed for so long and spent so much time doing things like writing potential emails to mutual acquaintances so they would know the truth. But in the end I didn’t share anything and I kept on going alone.

It hurts and it sucks but you need to move on and focus on you. Things that you think will make you feel better, it might temporarily, but it doesn’t help in the long term for your healing. The reason why you feel like the Bees are being harsh is that they gave you advice before and you didn’t listen. Don’t “plan” on deleting your ex, just do it! Also the therapy suggestion is because you’re married now, yet you’re still hung up on your ex, which indicates that you’ve been unable to really move on despite having a husband now. How would you feel if your husband was still overly focusing on an ex gf like that? I think you came back looking for sympathy and instead you got tough love – please don’t misunderstand and instead take what people are saying to heart.

Post # 62
Member
1372 posts
Bumble bee

 So is he deleted and blocked yet? 

Post # 63
Member
747 posts
Busy bee

Here’ some advice you will not want to hear. If you’e very sensitive, move on now…

People change. Maybe he really is a good person now, you have absolutely no idea who he is now, because it has been many years since you two were together. You had your chance to press charges, however you made the decision not to do so at that time. He was aweful to you, and youre understandably upset, however he might treat this girl like a queen, youll never know. You have zero right to be upset that people now think he’ a good person. If alcohol was his issue, he may have stopped, you have no idea how many life changes he’s made.

Delete his friends off of Facebook, stop all contact. Learn to accept the fact that people can change, whether you like it or not, and you have no business in his current life. 

All that being said… you could probably still press charges for the abuse you endured, depending on the statute of limitations where you’e from. If you choose not to press charges, then you need to butt out.

Post # 64
Member
810 posts
Busy bee

I’m honestly confused by some of the responses you’ve received. You have every right to be upset and outraged. I don’t see this having anything to do with whether you’re “over him” or not…an emotionally and physicially abusive man is getting married and being trusted with children, and yet you’re expected to just bury your head in the sand? This isn’t an issue like marrying an alcoholic or a cheater who someone could “easily” walk away from…once you’re a victim of abuse, those scars will follow you forever. 
What would the repsonses be if you saw his engagement announcemed in the newspaper or something? It doesn’t matter how you found out, because the point is, you know he’s dangerous and you know people are trusting him with serious aspects of their lives. As far as you know, you’re the only one who can warn them…so the responses here shouldn’t be about whether you’re too involved with this guy, it should be about whether or not you have the responsibility to warn others of his abuse. 
 
I wish there was a clear-cut answer, because I understand the hesitation. It’s possible he could have changed, though I’ve never seen abusers given the benefit of the doubt before. I do think it would be appropriate to open up to whom it may concern, gently…explain that you haven’t had any contact with him recently, but that your experience with him involved abuse. If they don’t want to believe, or if they think he’s changed, then that’s their choice to make…but at least you’d be giving them the ability to choose. If it was me, I would certainly want someone to warn me if my SO has a history of abuse before I devote my heart and life to them. 
As a PP has mentioned, I think you should talk about it to someone you trust, first…such as your husband, who possibly understands the situation a bit better than any of us do. 

Post # 65
Member
685 posts
Busy bee

I think maybe you should tell people and maybe warn the fiance. BUT you might put your life at risk because if he lost friends and his fiance because you told the truth, he might hurt you. It’s hard to say for sure what to do…. I feel bad for his fiance, though. And I am sorry you have gone through this.

Post # 66
Member
720 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I’m not saying move on and get over it, I’m saying unless you are going to report the abuse to the police and seriously go after him for what he did, you need to let it go and move on. What he did wasn’t right. Maybe he’s changed. Maybe he hasn’t.

Either way this is absolutely none of your business as he’s clearly moved on and so have you (maybe? It sounds like you’re pining for who he should’ve been to you and who you think he is to her). If you are that worried he is going to do it again report the behaviour don’t just go around telling or warning people that’s asking for trouble.

Post # 67
Member
10569 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

teamroro :  

SOP for many abusers and honed-to perfection by narcissists, is the post-break up smear campaign.  It is so common with abusers as to be pretty much expected.

They will make up the most preposterous confabulations—my own father told all of our relatives that I went to live in a crack house after I kicked him out of my life.

OP, the people who are buying into his crap are not your friends.  They’re his friends.  Let them go.

Let me add my voice to the Bee Chorus—it’s well past time for therapy.

 

Post # 68
Member
713 posts
Busy bee

I’ve been the victim of dating abuse as well – both mental and physical. I don’t understand why you are not acknowledging all the posts that say to delete him now?! This takes no “planning”! It’s the simple click of a button. Delete and block! There is a reason you’re so hesitant to do this and it’s because you’re curious about his life, which is wrong. His life should play NO meaning to you. My abusive ex from many years ago has two facebook accounts which are both blocked and always will be. WHY won’t you block him???

Post # 69
Member
1597 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

somethingblue222 :  What I would do is what I did in a similar situation. Block him on social media, block her, block his family. I know how it feels to watch these abusive men go from strength to strength in their lives and face no punishment for what they did, but keeping up with their lives is just harmful to you. Delete him and begin removing some of his power over you.

Post # 71
Member
648 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

somethingblue222 :  I stopped reading after you said you never got around to deleting him off Facebook… It’s a f***ing button. Push it and get on with your life.

Post # 72
Member
2669 posts
Sugar bee

You said 2 months ago you were going to delete him. Why hasn’t that been done yet?

Post # 73
Member
339 posts
Helper bee

Delete and block.    You have moved on and he has moved on.  Who knows maybe he has sought treatment for his behaviour and is happy with this girl.    All I can suggest is you go seek therapy, this isn’t doing your mental health any good pondering over what he is doing.

Post # 74
Member
10569 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

rosiesummer :  

Abusers don’t change.  Unless he sought treatment in a special program and spent at least a year working it, there is not the slightest chance that he is no longer an abuser.  During that kind of treatment, the female partner is expected to separate from the abuser for the duration.  The prognosis for abusers, even with proper treatment is dismal.

Who knows what goes on behind closed doors? 

OP’s needle is stuck in a groove, that’s the power of traumatic bonding.  I absolutely agree that she must delete, block and get into therapy.

Post # 75
Member
5951 posts
Bee Keeper

Bee, you took a very healthy and courageous step leaving him. It’s in your own best interests to complete the process of rebuilding your life and deleting and blocking him, getting therapy etc will help you do this. 

It sucks that some people aren’t seen for what they are but that’s part of the abuser’s MO, the public face and the private face, Jekyll and Hyde. What you’ve been through was traumatic, you need a professional to assist you in your recovery. By staying on the fringes of your abuser’s life, you’re not helping yourself to heal. You can take one strong immediate step right now- delete and block. It will be the first step of many but you owe it to yourself to take care of you. Wouldn’t you advise a friend or sister in your situation to block such a lowlife and go get help so she can move past the damage he’s done to her? 

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