My very abusive ex bf got engaged and people are congratulating him…

posted 2 years ago in 30 Something
Post # 76
648 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

What is it that is so rewarding to you that keeps him on your Facebook? Do you like to keep tabs on him? I’m sorry but feeling upset that people are congratulating him on his engagement is your own doing. You are subjecting yourself to continual abuse and this is in a way, a betrayal to your marriage. Push the button.

Post # 77
3203 posts
Sugar bee

OP, maybe it will help you delete him if you look at it this way – by staying friends with him on FB, you are inadvertently saying he is a good person. 

I also think it is time to get therapy to help you process your feelings and move on.

Post # 78
680 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015 - Beautiful place.

somethingblue222 :  I was extremely abused by family and Boyfriend or Best Friend, (mentally, physically and sexually) the bees are right, delete him and move on, you can’t be upset with your friends if you never told them what he really did to you, they don’t know. 

But if you still want people to know what he  was like with you, speak up, but be ready for the consequences that you will have to endure. It affect you emotionally, physically.. It will affect your relationship with your husband. 


However, I’d delete him, and look for therapy to help me cope, well, I actually have a therapist and it’s the best thing and most loving thing you can do for yourself. Let go. 

Post # 79
1305 posts
Bumble bee

OP, I’ve not been in a relationship like this but a friend of mine was and her story sounds exactly like yours.

Her ex had a very nice public persona (the nicest guy around; she was told she was lucky to have him) but behind closed doors he was a very different person.  He emotionally abused her by always commenting about her weight (she was very thin and fit), saying she didn’t deserve him and threatened to break up with her for someone “better”.  He isolated her from her friends and wanted to know her wearabouts 24/7 (none of her friends knew this until they broke up).

Once she got the courage to leave him and told us how he treated her, it was very hard for most people (mainly their mutual friends) to believe that’s what happened because how he acted in public was sooooo different.  After several months of them being apart I could see a difference in my friend – she was more outgoing and just happier in general.  Looking back, we could see his effect on her.

But she didn’t delete him off social media.  We didn’t realize she had developed a weird obession with him.  The PP that said you staying friends with him on social media is saying how he treated you was OK – several of my friend’s friends thought that she was lying because if things were so bad, why the hell would she still have him on her social media accounts?

She started dating a new guy but after a while he broke up with her because it was clear she wasn’t over her ex.  That’s when it really hit her.  That’s when she finally sought professional help and fortunately it didn’t take long for things to get better.  Her counseler made her delete/block him in front of her.  None of this “planning” on deleting – she just had to do it to show she was serious about moving on because if she didn’t, there was no way she could fully give her heart to someone else.

So OP, if you’re not going to do this for yourself, you at least owe it to your husband.  I have to be harsh and honest – this would be deal breaker territory for me because this shows that you’re not over him and not totally into your new marriage.  It’s clear you cannot do this without professional help or else you would have done it by now.

And yes, my friend wanted to tell the new girlfriend how bad he was to her.  The counseler convinced her not to as keeping any sort of tabs on him is keeping her from moving on, not to mention she most likely would not believe her and would come across as that crazy ex.  Do you really want to subject yourself to more emotional trauma?

You know what you have to do.  Just do it.  It will be so liberating once you can fully move on.

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