Post # 1
Hi Bees! To make a very long story only slightly long here goes:
My SO and I met and fell in love in a storybook whirlwind romance. We decided to get married not long ago and picked a date and began doing some preliminary planning. Thereafter, the planning got a little more intense (I’m an event planner and he’s a project manager, so you do the math). We had a lot of very detailed conversations about our intentions and our future and are both excited to get married. We’ve picked out our new home, our new congregation and certain other things. However, we’re long distance and will remain that way until the wedding. For that reason, he hasn’t had the opportunity to do the whole bended-knee proposal demonstration. He says he wants to propose in person (just as his first time saying “I love you” was in person). I’d always assumed that he would get around to it the very next time we see each other (next month). For that reason, I’m waiting until after our next rendezvous to do some of the big stuff like signing contracts and hiring my planners. But I got an icky thought in my mind and can’t seem to shake it. And that thought is (I know it’s a rambling shambles, but that’s exactly how it exists in my mind):
OMG what if he doesn’t propose? OMG what if we’ve been doing all this planning for nothing? Am I sure he’s going to propose? But he tells me at least once per day that he can’t wait to make me his wife. Phwew, ok I’m good. Well wait, does he even know my ring size? I’m pretty sure he doesn’t! He didn’t buy me a ring! Aww man! But I bought him one! He said he wanted an engagement ring too. If he doesn’t get around to it on this trip, we’re not going to see each other again until March! By then it’ll be too late to book our stuff, we’ll have to push our date back. I don’t wanna push our date back, we chose that one for a reason. Wait, OMG are we even engaged technically? We aren’t are we?! I’m a nutjob. I knew it! I’m completely crazy! OMG I’m like one of those women who plans a wedding and isn’t even engaged.
I pretty much just need someone to support me and help me convince myself that I’m not crazy.
Post # 3
Ahem, it’s a ledge people! lol. Bump.
Post # 4
He’ll propose. If he doesn’t, what will you do?
Post # 5
@peachacid: Thanks for saying that. Ummm…I’d ask him why he didn’t, I guess. The thing is I’ve already asked him whether he thinks having a formal proposal is important and he’s assured me that he does and he intends to. But I’m just realizing that he never said WHEN he was going to do it. I just decided in my own head that he was going to do it on vacation next month. He could very well have other (equally awesome) plans.
Post # 6
I’m also sure he will propose the next time you see him. However, depending on the guy he is, he may wish to do it “when you’re not expecting it”, so if it’s not this time, I’d assume he has something planned.
Here’s an idea though, since you already have his ‘man’gagement ring, would it be ok if YOU proposed to HIM?
Also re: are we engaged? The engagement is the question, not the ring. If at ANY point in the conversation he said, “do you want to marry me” and your answer was “Hell yes” the engagement has happened. With or without the ring.
Just my two cents.
Post # 7
I view engagement as a joint decision. You decided to be engaged and now comes the horse and pony show. The show is important to your Fiance, so it will happen. As far as the ring, he may know your size, he may guess and you’ll get it resized, or you may get one together. Don’t stress, it will happen.
FWIW, my Fiance and I decided to get engaged about two months before I got the ring. I knew it was coming during a two week window (a trip). It happened 10 days in on my FI’s terms. It was great, special, and romantic, but I felt the difference in our relationship happened when we decided to get married 7 weeks before.
Post # 8
Is this an internal fear or has he indicated in some way that the proposal may not happen next month? If internal, you need to get out of your own head, girl! If he gave you a reason then I think you need to have a conversation with him. If this is the case, just ask him what his plan is? You also need a plan for if he doesn’t propose. Hopefully you haven’t put any money down anywhere. This is why I don’t think it’s always the best idea to plan before you have the ring.
Post # 9
@Overjoyed: It will all be ok. Just take a deep breath. You are not a nut job! Your situation is unique but I think its sweet that he wants to do the traditional bended knee proposal. If he has bought a ring and it doesn’t fit, get it sized. You will be ok.
Post # 10
What do you mean by a “whirlwind romance”? Have long have the two of you been together? How much actual time have you spent together?
It sounds like he’ll definitely propose the next time you see each other. But, if I were you, I’d definitely throw some hints out there to see what kind of reaction you get.
See, this is the problem with “whirlwinds”. It’s hard to feel sure if it’s been a short amount of time. My SO and I decided we’d be married a few weeks into our relationship, so I’m not judging, just saying.
Post # 11
You are definitely not nuts, but I think it’s completely natural to be a bit anxious.
I have to say I have been in this situation before, and it’s a good thing we didn’t put money down because we didn’t end up officially engaged or married. My current fiance and I also knew pretty early on, but I was a bit of a skeptic because I’ve had at least 3 men claim to be serious about marriage and even starting some wedding planning, and when it came down to actually giving the ring, it didn’t happen. Every couple is different, but I do know that if he is serious, it is important for men to officially ‘ask’ you to marry him in his own way.
If I were you, I would hold off on putting money down or signing contracts. Perfectly fine to start looking or even visiting vendors, etc, but I would wait until you both determine whether or not it is official. And since you said he thinks officially asking is important, it may be that he doesn’t view you two as officially engaged until he does. You should ask him. Once you determine whether or not you are ‘official’, you may have a better sense of how to move forward.
I wish you all the best!
Post # 12
If you have agreed to get married then you are engaged. If you’ve picked a date then just keep on planning. The ring will come when he gets around to it if he is anything like my Fh.
Post # 13
I would want NOT to make a downpayment on any expensive wedding thing before he does his proposal, only because it seems from your description that HE may see that as the REAL thing.
Now, I might reconsider if, when he next comes to visit you, you take him along to venue and have him make the downpayment on the venue. At that point he is making a financial committment, and I would relax about the ring/proposal.
But I also would be talking to him regularly in this way: You know that we set next September as our wedding date and that means that we need to commit to a venue by x date–are you sure that you want to proceed on that date? I am interviewing caterers and I will need to sign a contact by Feb. Are you still on board with the September date?
Keep checking in with him. Give him an out.
But if you gut continues to be quesy, put the brakes on all wedding planning and focus, instead, on the man he is and your relatiopnship with him.
Post # 14
I’d stop all wedding planning until an actual proposal happens. Unfortunately, I have also been in the situation where a guy will seemingly say and do anything related to getting married to get me to stay. Except, of course, propose and get married. It’s pretty amazing how many men there are out there who do this. It’s a phenomenon I’ve only noticed since I’ve been in my 30’s and really wanting marriage.
Post # 15
Thanks your thoughts, ladies! This is a conversation I TRIED to have with him a couple days ago and he was trying to reassure me that everything would be fine and it would all work out without letting on what his actual plans are. Also, I was very calm when I brought it up, not raw and crazy like I was on this post, lol. He told me that we are on the same page and to stop worrying about it, which I will try to do.
i won’t be proposing to him, because its important to him to do it and I have no reason to doubt that he will. A PP mentioned that he may not consider us engaged until the formal proposal. There’s some truth to that for sure. I know this because he refers to me as his fiancee to others, but with me he says things like “I know ur already my fiancée but I can’t wait til we make it official.” So yeah, I’d think he sees us as idk pre-engaged, lol. I just remembered that we agreed to tattoo our wedding rings so maybe thats why he hasn’t asked my ring size.
No I haven’t put any money down…not because idk if we’ll ever get married…we will. But because he’s toying with me (he thinks its cute and funny, I think it’s driving me insane) idk if we’ll end up having to push our date back. Also, at the end of the day I think I’ll appreciate having let him do it his own way in his own time. Wouldn’t want to ruin the secret he’s obviously trying so hard to keep
Post # 16
@Overjoyed: I would just give him the heads up that you won’t book a venue until it’s official and that depending on his timing, you guys may need to push your date out a bit. just keep it positive and let him know you’re excited too. It sounds like you’ll be engaged soon!