(Closed) My Waiting Thoughts…

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 1
Member
1069 posts
Bumble bee

I’ve been thinking a lot about waiting and why it hurts and why it bothers me so bad and the more I thought about it, the more it all made sense why I’m going so crazy!

I always dreamt of the perfect situation (to me)… not knowing that a proposal was coming, just knowing that you’re in love and one day he surprises me with a ring and pops the question. I feel like all of this waiting and talking and nothing happening has definitely taken away from that innocence. At the beginning of this whole marriage talk, I was constantly on cloud 9, I was so excited and amazed that this amazing man wanted to marry me and spend his life with me. Now I’m just bitter and frustrated and sick of waiting.

I’ve always been very independent. I moved out of my parents house at 19 after purchasing a condo (it had to be built) a year earlier. Whenever I want something, I have always found a way to get it myself, I have never relied on someone else for anything. If I’m not happy with anything in my life, I usually find a way to change it and go for it. I think that’s what makes waiting extra difficult for me because I feel like it’s all on his time and I feel like my feelings and desires are being ignored or pushed to the side. He is a procrastinator and a huge saver, and he doesn’t like spending money on expensive items and it bothers me that those things are getting in the way of us moving on with our life together. I’ve told him I don’t need an engagement ring

He was married before and sometimes when I’m feeling extra waiting crazy, I ask myself what she had that I didn’t and why he proposed to her and not me. Everyone has told me that I’m so much better for him and he’s happier now than he has ever been, yet I still compare myself to her because there must be something about her that he liked more than me because he married her.

We said I love you pretty early on in our relationship and knew that it was something special. We both fell for each other hard and we started talking about eloping ever since the beginning. I remember when we had been together less than two months and he looked at me dead in the eyes and said “I wish I could just take you Vegas and marry you right now. I need you to be my wife Laura”. To me, that was an amazing moment and it made me so excited for when it would actually happen. We’ve had a lot of moments like that since then and every single birthday/anniversary/holiday/special date has felt like a possible proposal day. And every time one of those days goes by without a proposal, I feel more and more disappointed and let down.

When I see people around me get engaged or married or sometimes even those who are already married, I feel pangs of jealousy. I hate myself for feeling that way because that’s their lives and I am happy for them, and jealousy sucks!! I find myself wondering why their men loved them enough to marry them and why mine doesn’t love me as much. It’s not a nice feeling and it’s life consuming some days 🙁

Anyway, I just thought I’d post this on here because I was thinking about it all night and I know that out of anyone in my life, my fellow Waiting Bees will understand!

Tagged: 

Post # 3
Member
1069 posts
Bumble bee

Oops, that was super long. Sorry!

(totally understand if no one wants to read it)

Post # 4
Member
9887 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@givemecouture:   Read it.  I don’t know what to say except ((hugs)).  I know you’ve given him several timelines and he’s pushed them back every time. 

As far as what he said to you in the beginning of your relationship – all I have to say about that is words are cheap when hormones are cascading.  Anyone can say something like that to anyone else in the heat of the moment in the first flush of any relationship.  Try to let that memory go if you can because it really means nothing.

His actions are telling you the truth about him – about what he wants, about what he values and about what he’s going to do in the near future or possibly ever in the future.  Which is nothing that will get you engaged or married.

I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this.  He’s lied to you so many, many times.  He has everything he wants.  He knows he can appease you for a little while with false promises and you’ll continue to be patient and wait.  And wait.  And wait.  And wait some more.

Stop comparing yourself to his ex-wife.  My guess is that marriage was a bad deal for him and he vowed at that time to never repeat that mistake in his life.  He made a vow to himself but then he met you and “fell in love.”  So he schemed a way to have you stay as long as you’ll keep believing in him.  He seems to have no conscience at all when it comes to telling you what you want to hear – he knows you’ll fall for it hook, line and sinker.  At least for awhile.

I do wonder what his plan is when you finally get fed up and leave him.  You know you deserve so much better than this.

When a man really wants to marry a woman he doesn’t continue putting her through all this mind-fucking.  I really hope you can step back, see things clearly and protect yourself from further entanglement with him.  You already own a home together, please protect yourself carefully from pregnancy.  The easier you make it for yourself to get out of this relationship by not tying yourself any more closely to him, the better it will be for you in the long run to find the love you deserve.  And the marriage you deserve.

Edit:  Just noticed in a previous post you said your wedding date is Feb 23, 2013.  How do you have a wedding date but you aren’t engaged yet?  Maybe I’m missing something here….

Post # 5
Member
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

All of your feelings are very VALID and very REAL feelings, so please give yourself a break!! 

You kind of sound a little like I do, in that, I too had always dreamed of a proposal a certain way – complete surprise, his initiative, his choices, etc.  I am assuming those dreams/feelings, at one time, were shared with your SO, as I did my own.  If that assumption is correct, then I believe (or wish for you) that he is INDEED putting your feelings first by doing all the things you discussed in regards to your perfect proposal – as I believe mine is doing the same.

The TRICKY part with that scenario is you have, or are relinquishing ALL control in the situation.  In a very LARGE life-altering situation to boot.  That becomes even trickier when you are fighting against your own personality.  I know this because I, too, am the same type of personality! 

So where does that leave you!? Between a very large rock and a waiting place.  Although you can change the ‘game’ by giving your SO an ultimatum, or stating your thoughts on the how/when or why is he going to do it, you are essentially also relinquishing your ‘perfect’ proposal too. 

I think that is the decision that needs to be made, as I think about it for me often.  Do you sit him down and give him all the direction!? Or, do you quietly wait for him to do whatever he wants to do, whenever he wants to do it?!  All the while NOT telling yourself you are crazy, or less special, or not getting giddy with every passing ‘event’, and then feeling hopeless. 

I have posted before that the only convo my SO and I have had about a proposal is in regards to finances and potentially planning a wedding.  He said we will be engaged within a year.  ONE YEAR!! It could be tomorrow, or at Christmas, or 364 days away on a random Monday for all I know, and that is really hard to think about (or in our case NOT think about), as I wonder what he is saving, or doing when he leaves the house, etc.  But I have chosen my ‘perfect’ suprise unknowing proposal over my type A, planning and executing personality.

SORRY FOR THE LENGTH OF MY POST BACK, but I hope you read, and know some of us bees completely understand 🙂

Post # 6
Member
1069 posts
Bumble bee

@Sunfire:  Thanks for the reply. I have to run to a meeting so I’ll respond fully later, just wanted to explain the Feb 23 thing… it was basically another thought that never materialized.

Post # 7
Member
1979 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@givemecouture:  I’ve had days when I have felt like this too. Waiting has been very challenging for me bc I am also very independent, type-A, a planner, etc. No one likes feeling like they don’t have control over their own life.

As for comparing yourself to his ex-wife, try to remember that he may have been foolish enough to marry her but he left her forever and he chose to be with you instead. If he loved her more, he would be with her and noT you… Logically he loves you more. 

As for comparing yourself with engaged couples, I’ve been caught up in that myself.  It’s a dangerous road to go down and no good will come of it. It’s really just comparing apples and oranges. I remind used that the relationships my friends are in aren’t perfect, and my SO is a much better partner to me than the husband who watches TV all day and won’t help out around the house or help with his own daughter. 

I’m sorry you are feeling this way, I’ve been there, and it is awful. Bad days come and go and hopefully you have a happy waiting day soon. Until then, you have us bees!! *hug*

Post # 8
Member
808 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I don’t know your situation but I had lots of bad days during my wait, for the same reasons you listed. I remember once saying to my Fiance “it’s too bad I can’t get pregnant like your ex did, then you’d propose for sure” OUCH

I hope your guy is worth waiting for, mine was.

Post # 9
Member
482 posts
Helper bee

@givemecouture:  procrastinator and saver? sounds like youre making excuses for him. like you said it didnt stop him from asking his first wife. i have a feeling she didnt have to pull teeth to get a proposal out of him in spite of him being a procrastinator.

i think this is your way of trying to rationalize why it hasnt happened. i think theres something deeper going on as to why he hasnt asked yet. maybe its a fear of getting married again? fear of another divorce?

maybe hes content with the benefits of having a wife without the title, you said you 2 have a house together, so i can see how he could get a little too comfortable.

i wouldnt put too much stock into his words, actions speak louder.

 

Post # 10
Member
1059 posts
Bumble bee

This makes me so sad because it reminds me of my early posts on here and I remember how I felt then. I was quite bratty though, and had shortened previously-agreed upon timelines considerably, and cried and asked how about today every day for months (wtg, Maria!).

You sound much more level-headed than I was, which is really great! I do think that at some point you need to put your foot down, because it seems like he could drag this wedding date/timeline thing on forever. Only you know what your relationship is like, and as one very smart bee told me, only you can decide if you love him enough to wait for him to work out whatever might be bothering him, though I do think that if you decide that, you need to be able to wholeheartedly accept what it means for you, and acknowledge that you will, in some way or another, always feel the way you feel now.

A really great thing for me was to get back to focusing on myself. It made me strong again, and made me see that I could be awesome even if I was by myself. Now I at least know that whatever happens, I’ll be fine, and can work on preparing for the worse-case scenario of him not figuring things out soon enough for me. Take back control by focusing on yourself, I guess, is all I’m trying to say.

Post # 11
Member
340 posts
Helper bee

I don’t think when a man proposes has to do with how much they love you or not, but I think it is a matter of timing for them. I think since he has gone through a divorce he is being extra cautious and rightfully so because he doesn’t want it to happen again. If I were you, I would talk to him about when he wants to get married again and see what his timing is on the matter.

Post # 12
Member
1059 posts
Bumble bee

@anthrogirl:  +1 where timing is concerned. Obviously love is important too, but so is timing.

Post # 13
Member
50 posts
Worker bee

@anthrogirl:  +1, I totally agree here…

I think although our situations are different our feelings are the exact same. I had to tell myself that men don’t just sit around and think about getting engaged and married all day like we women do. It’s definitely more of a sense of timing with men than it is anything else. I don’t believe there was something he saw more in his ex than you, otherwise they wouldn’t be divorced. If he’s still here, and based on the things he’s said, it’s obvious he wants to marry you, he probably just wants to take his time this time around. I have to keep telling myself to just continue to enjoy my relationship as it is and when the engagement comes it’ll be that much better 🙂

Post # 14
Member
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@Sunfire:  I would like to copy and paste this to about 20 girls on the waiting board.   Very well said.

Post # 15
Member
1069 posts
Bumble bee

Hi ladies,

I was home alone last night and I thought a lot about what all of you have said and I have came to a decsion. I’m giving him until the end of January and leaving if he does not propose. He doesn’t know this, I have not given him my actual deadline because I don’t want him to propose because he has to.

He met me for lunch yesterday because I was being a woman at work and I was upset (I just handed in my resignation and no one would talk to me) and I told him that I’m extremely hurt and upset by the whole engagement/wedding situation. I told him that I either want him to stop talking about it and leading me on or do something about it, but I want him to do what HE wants and not what he thinks I want. He kept insisting that he wants to get married but I came back to work feeling pretty down still.

Then, last night after he came home from work he started being really weird after a jewelry commercial was on. He was asking me which ring I liked on the commercial and he asked me what my boss’s ring looks like (he knows I hate the style of it). Later on that night he wanted to show me his mom’s texts because she just got an iPhone and keeps sending us emojis and he kind of showed me and then panicked and said “oh s***, you can’t see any of that” and I asked why and he said “because it’s too exciting and it’ll ruin the surprise”. I’m trying to not think about that and get my hopes up but I’m really hoping that he comes through.

His mom works at Birks so if/when the time comes to buy a ring, he’ll be buying it through her.

I think that’s it for an update right now

Post # 16
Member
9887 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@givemecouture:   That’s a great update!  Honestly, I’m surprised to hear it because it sounds as though he may be taking some concrete steps to popping the question and getting engaged.  I sincerely hope so!

You’ve made your desire for marriage clear to him and that’s good.  And you’re handling it well right now by not pressuring him (and having a walk date in mind, thank heaven) and allowing him to take the reins.

My hope and prayer for you is that his discussion with his mom is with regard to an engagement ring and not some other generic-type jewelry.

Keeping my fingers crossed for you!  I hope you’ll be back soon with a ring pic.  🙂  HUGS!!!!!

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