(Closed) My Waiting Thoughts…

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
802 posts
Busy bee

I hope to see you back here with a ring pic too!

Post # 18
Member
7556 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

The way you described everything is excactly how I feel!

Post # 19
Member
37 posts
Newbee

I just read your posts, and I hope that this finds you well and happy.  I hope that you get what you want and that man realizes what he has ๐Ÿ™‚

I have a posting here as well.  I’ve been with someone on and off for 11 years.  He was just divorced (with 3 kids) when we first met.  When we met we fell in love very fast.  We were together on and off for 5 years.  I also have 3 kids. He used the excuse that he was nervous of blending families which is why he always broke up with me.  During one of our breakups he met someone, but when it didn’t work out, he came to me..and of course I always took him back.  During our final break up (after 6 years) he married this “other woman”.  She had no children.  It didn’t work and then…….that’s right, he called me and once again………I took him back. 

Fast forward today….we live together for almost 3 years. My kids live on their own, his kids are with us half the time.  We talked about marriage before moving in….but as of yet…nothing has happened.  When I bring it up, we either argue or I feel like he’s being pressured.

So why am I not good enough?  But I am and the posters on this board have made me realize that.  I need to stop focusing on whether he will ask or not and start focusing on me. 

I hope we both get what we want.  Hugs.

Post # 20
Member
1401 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I swear I’m just being boneheaded, but how long have you two been dating?

I completely understand what you’re going through. It’s a shit or get off the pot situation. He is probably really gunshy after his last big relationship, so try to at least give him a little berth for that.

Post # 21
Member
49 posts
Newbee

This sounds almost exactly what I’m going thru!!! We’ve talked marriage for months, gone ring shopping a million times and even found some gorgeous affordable rings! NOTHING!!! Two we talked, he says he doesn’t have the money right now, then he gets his bonus and its $1,000 more than he expected, still nothing! It finally came to a head this weekend and he just keeps saying it’ll happen, and why can’t I just let it happen, it’s a lot of money, he has all these expenses right now, etc…I told him its very hard to not feel like he’s just stinging not worth it! I know he’s a cheapskate and hates to spend a lot of money on ANYTHING, but I’d hoped this purchase would be different. He keeps saying don’t worry so I’m trying not to and trying to just trust him, but it’s hard. And I know exactly what you mean a bout comparing yourself to his ex, my SO was engaged before, they’d only dated a flew months before he asked her even dropped almost a grand on pictures AND the ring out 3 times as much as the ones I picked out! Granted he borrowed the money for her ring from his mom, and this time she doesn’t have it to lend, but still it stings a bit…:( By The Way, his ex ended up cheating on him and refused to give him the ring back too! She was a bitch!! He gets mad if I bring it up anymore and said hes just shopping around and I told him not to take me anymore, I didnt meanit to be mean either just said I don’t want to…I feel like, like you, that the surprise has already been ruined and sometimes wonder if I’m past the point of being happy if he ever oes propose:( hope it all worked out for you!! I’m taking steps to be prepared in case I to come to the point where I have to decide to put up with it or leave! the thought of leaving hurts but so oes the thought that he’s putting off marrying me! ๐Ÿ™ Hes always talking about a future with me, kids, house, going into business together, etc…, but when it comes to the engagement and wedding he says very little if anything at all! Frustrating and makes me sad!! ๐Ÿ™ Good luck! 

Post # 22
Member
267 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I know it can be frustrating waiting for a proposal – but I can see the hesitation/reluctance on the part of someone who has an unsuccessful marriage behind him. My good friend is dating a man who was divorced just shortly before they met – and now that they’re moving in together she is starting to hint at marriage. Here’s his perspective (he is friends with my SO).

Nobody gets into a marriage thinking “this won’t work”. His first marriage was young, rushed (his parents wanted him to be engaged before living together), and occurred before either person knew who they were, what they were going to do, etc but he still thought they would be together forever. It can work for some people, but it doesn’t for others. His first wife ended up being unfaithful, and they had a long and bitter drawn out divorce. He lost his dogs, had to sell his dream house he just finished, and all in all had an awful time. 

Now (much to my friend’s dismay) – he is totally anti-marriage or at least very very hesitant. He told her he didn’t want to marry someone unless they had been living together for at least 5-10 years, if at all. Marriage didn’t save his first relationship, and now he views the relationship that makes people stay together rather than the marriage. My friend is devastated (she absolutely loves him, but always dreamed of a big wedding). 

I don’t really know who I agree with. I come from a family where my parents have been happily together for 40 years – and they only got married at the courthouse after ~20 years of it when they started travelling with their kids and found it was logistically easier being married. Not very romantic, but they have one of the most solid relationships I’ve ever seen. 

It sounds like your SO has realized that if marriage is important to you, then it should be important to him. Good luck ๐Ÿ™‚ I think most guys can be very reasonable as long as you can show them why you want to get married and why it is important to you. 

Post # 23
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@vanillabean25:  I completely agree with this:

“I’ve always been very independent.  Whenever I want something, I have always found a way to get it myself, I have never relied on someone else for anything. If I’m not happy with anything in my life, I usually find a way to change it and go for it. I think that’s what makes waiting extra difficult for me because I feel like it’s all on his time and I feel like my feelings and desires are being ignored or pushed to the side. He is a procrastinator “

 

Yeah.. why he decides when we are making this step? Mine talks that soon after we’re married he wants to start having babies… then I will make him wait. Jyst that vicious thought that pops in my head. It hurts to have to wait, to not be able to talk about wedding etc… because it is HIS decision when to ask for my hand

 

 

“When I see people around me get engaged or married or sometimes even those who are already married, I feel pangs of jealousy. I hate myself for feeling that way because that’s their lives and I am happy for them, and jealousy sucks!! I find myself wondering why their men loved them enough to marry them and why mine doesn’t love me as much”

so much. I am furious and disappointed

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