(Closed) My wedding day is in 6 days and he's just cancelled it!

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
2605 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

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@Dotty2012:  The thing with “his mouthyness” and being horrible when he’s drunk is just him. He even does it in his sleep it’s a bit weird but I’ve been with him for 4 years and knew he had this weird problem, my brother knew as well but as it was the first time my bro had seen it for himself he went mad…..


Perhaps because when he’s drunk, his filters come off and he says what he’s really thinking and feeling?

Post # 18
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@Miss Apricot:  This is my concern.

Post # 19
Member
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

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@Dotty2012:  you poor thing.  Sometimes people do say stupid things they dont mean when they are drunk, I have done it myself and have been very sorry the next day when I remembered.  My FI did it a couple of times when we were both younger (we have been together a long time), occasionally he would say mean-ish things when he was drunk in a silly way infront of his friends but I knew he was just being silly and the next day he was really apologetic.  I remember once his friend took exception and told him off but I was saying to him dont worry.  They were silly things like shut up slapper and then laughing or telling me to make him some food or get him another drink now (haha – its actually stupid) and my Fiance would never even say shut up or call me names ever when sober.  Have you talked to your brother, does he know your Fiance wants to call the wedding off.  Is your Fiance sorry he said those things to you and just angry with your brother or is he angry at you?  If he is angry at you that is wrong as its not your fault.  Really your Fiance should be apologising to you for how drunk he got.  Also it seems more logical if he is upset at your brother to say hes not coming to our wedding not call the whole thing off.  Sorry to hear you are going through this.

Post # 20
Member
871 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

My thoughts are with you. I hope you sort this out.

Post # 21
Member
36 posts
Newbee

I think you should sit down with your Fiance and (calmly) talk to him about the things he says and does when he is drinking.  That is the root of the problem – not your brother’s actions towards him.  If he gets angry, defensive, etc, I would consider that to be another red flag and really consider if a marriage with this man is the best decision.  Obviously, I don’t know your Fiance or you, but if my SO said bad things about me even while intoxicated I would be absolutely furious and would feel incredibly disrespected.  I’ve always believed it to be that drunk words are sober thoughts and although someone is drunk may not have a filter, they are still responsible for the things they say.  I sincerely hope that everything works out for you!!! 

Post # 22
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

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@Dotty2012:  No, no, no, no, no.  If you don’t get married on Saturday it’s because HE is not good enough for YOU.

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@Miss Apricot:  Agreed 100%.  He loses his filter when drunk; it’s not the first time he’s thinking the things he says.  The fact that this is a repeat problem is an even bigger issue.

Your brother’s actions in hitting your fiance are inappropriate; but that’s not a reason for him not to marry you.  It sounds to me like there’s a bigger issue here; or several.  He may well be nervous about getting married and using this as an “out.”  But even if he cools down and the wedding is back on – you need to really think about the things he says when he’s drunk.  It’s not OK to badmouth the person you’re supposed to love and cherish.  Being drunk does not absolve someone of fault.  Frankly, this is a repeat issue, and even if he doesn’t mean any of those things, he should be responsibile enough to not drink so much he starts spouting off at the mouth.  Completely unacceptable.

That said…I don’t believe drunk people say things they don’t mean.  Make inappropriate jokes?  Sure.  Fiance has been drinking and jokingly told me to “get back in the kitchen and make him a sandwich.”  But we joke like that TOGETHER even when he’s sober.  The only difference is that the people around us might not realize that.  But if he started saying nasty things about me it would be a real issue.

Post # 23
Member
1468 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

First I want to say how sorry I am 🙁

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@BEPhoto:  That was a great post!!! 

He is right, please dont feel like you are not good enough, that is so silly!!!  And it is a very big problem if he is talking shit about you, you are his soon to be wife, I just cant imagine…. Your brother may have done you a big favor, maybe this is how its ment to be, maybe he is not the man for you.  Maybe you need someone who will not talk trash about you behind your back? This may be a red flag, I cant imagine why he would call off the wedding just b/c your brother hit him there must be more he is hidding deep down….

I am so sorry this is happening, but maybe its happening for a reason  

Post # 24
Member
714 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2020 - establishment theatre

sorry darling but I completly agree with the others that have commented, i lived and was married to a man who was like this and trust me it doesnt change or get better. you need to sit down and have a heart to heart about EVERYTHING even the stuff he isnt saying. and to be honest i would start to wonder if I really wanted to marry someone like that. hes not good enough for you if hes saying nasty things about you…and this all happened friday night and hes still talking nasty about you? sounds like a whole lot of red flags to me!

Post # 25
Member
2457 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Warning flags going up with this guy, sounds like this might be your get out of jail free card for the following reasons:

  • Its so not cool that he was bad mouthing you; or
  • That he is willing to not marry you, waste all that time and money and break your heart over his own pride!
  • Not to mention that he sounds really immature too!

Post # 27
Member
2605 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Oh you poor thing!  Trust me when I say this… there will come a day, maybe months from now, maybe YEARS, when you will look back on this time and thing THANK ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY IN THE WORLD THAT I DID NOT MARRY THAT MAN!  Either because you’ve met the true love of your live, or because you’re content and happy as a single woman, free from the mental abuse of someone like this.

You’ll be ok girl… for real.

 

Post # 28
Member
3696 posts
Sugar bee

Oh, honey, I’m sure that you are going through a devastating experience, but think of it this way: you have dodged a bullet. Cancelling a wedding sucks, but marrying the wrong guy, losing months or years of your life to him, and then going through a divorce? Ultimately that’s way more traumatic and expensive than calling off the wedding in the first place. I pray you are surrounded by supportive friends and family through this rough time, and that you come through it stronger and that you someday find a much better partner than the one you’ve just escaped.

This isn’t precisely the same situation you’ve been describing, but it’s worth a read:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jennifer-gauvain/doubts-before-marriage_b_919868.html

Post # 29
Member
1473 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@Dotty2012

Im so sorry this happened to you, I know how crushed and devastated you must feel.

Like PP said, even though you were with him for four years, it sounds like there were underlying issues in your relationship that were probably never addressed and maybe he is using this fight as an excuse to end things.  BUT he doesnt sound like he was the best guy for you anyway, HE is the one that was not good enough for you! You deserve so much better than someone saying unecessary and mean things to you when they are drunk. Not cool, ever!

Everything happens for a reason, and I hope one day you realize that and that when the timing is right you meet someone perfect for you that will treat you with love and respect and sweep you off your feet.  Please take care of yourself, I know its horrible to accept right now what has happened, but this too shall pass… and everything happens for a reason.

Post # 30
Member
11259 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

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@Dotty2012:  i am sorry to hear this.  you must be devastated.  rest assured that in time, you will heal and think back about the time when you dodged this bullet.

my rule of thumb has always been,  “why would i want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me?”.  i know that doesn’t take the pain away but it brings acceptance a bit closer.

i hope that you have the support of family and friends.  the bees are all here for you too.

Post # 31
Member
660 posts
Busy bee

Sorry you are going through this at a time when you should be excited and working together towards your big day – How old is he? He sounds extremely immature!

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