(Closed) My wedding is falling apart. Completely. Considering pseudo eloping.

posted 10 years ago in Beehive
Post # 3
62 posts
Worker bee

maybe you can have two ceremonies and tailor each to your and your fiance’s preferences? i’m so sorry to hear that the church won’t recognize your marriage unless the ceremony is inside the church hope everything works out for you!

Post # 4
596 posts
Busy bee

i know how you feel!  Darling Husband and i also had very different ideas of our "ideal wedding".  like you, i didn’t want to deal with all the family expectations and drama and would have preferred to elope with just the two of us.  DH was strongly against this and insisted on including all the family and having a wedding their way, which was completely contrary to what we wanted.

in the end, our compromise was having two wedding celebrations – one for the families overseas and one for our friends back home.  the family celebration was 260+ people, 240+ of which were strangers i had never met before.  his family planned and paid for everything and i basically showed up like a puppet and did as i was told for six hours.  there was no professional photographer so we never got any portraits.  despite the fact that it was held in a very nice hotel, many of our guests (DH’s family) showed up in jeans.  the toasts were led by local congressmen who kept forgetting our names and his dad’s ceo, who decided to spend the time giving an elevator pitch for their startup company.  basically, it was far from my vision of the ideal wedding, but it made Darling Husband happy because he wanted to be with his family (and for some bizarre reason, DH’s family thought it made me happy…whatever!).

we had our wedding celebration with our own friends this past weekend, an intimate and lovely reception for 40 people and it was perfect.  we had a professional photographer who diligently photographed for 6 hours (i’m not even sure he took time off to eat!), our friends and family gave toasts that moved us to tears, and people couldn’t stop telling me how happy i looked.  it was one of the best days of our lives.

basically, this is my longwinded way of saying that if you love someone, you have to compromise.  i was able to get what i wanted while giving Darling Husband what he wanted to.  we would have never been happy getting our own way if the other person didn’t get what they wanted.  i don’t know what your situation is so i’m not sure if you can pull off two celebrations…if not, can you perhaps go to city hall with just the two of you, get your marriage license and have a civil ceremony performed there, and have an intimate celebration for just the two of you afterwards, prior to the big wedding?  is it Darling Husband or his family (or both) that want the big celebration?  try not to shoot down all their preferences, it might make for awkward in-law relations and you definitely don’t want to start off on the wrong foot!  as miserable as i was at the big family wedding reception, i’m glad that i did my duty as the dutiful daughter-in-law.  i certainly didn’t want to start off the marriage with them thinking i was a big brat!  so definitely keep that in mind too. 

good luck! 

Post # 5
106 posts
Blushing bee

I have heard that the Catholic Church will recognize marriages that occurred outside the church — the term I’ve heard is that the Church will bless such a marriage.  I don’t know what’s involved in obtaining a blessing, though, or whether that’s a compromise that would interest your fiance.

Post # 6
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

can you and your dear Fiance get away and simply have a  personal ceremony somewhere else? call it a pre-wedding mini-moon or whatever, but even if it’s not the official ceremony recognized by the catholic church, it might just be what you need to clear your head and have a moment with the one other person that matters in this whole crazy mess. then you guys can proceed with the other plans you’ve already laid in place and maybe even enjoy yourself a little more. trying to reconcile the religious and cultural preferences/necessities for your wedding day will be difficult, but that’s part of taking on his family! i think you can have your moment and they can too. good luck!

Post # 7
36 posts

I completely feel for you I am in a similar situation but my Fiance is a muslim Indian man and I am a christian woman.  We too are having two cermonies one the way his family wants and that his religion will recognize and although the "Western" way which will be less formal, on a beach and 30 at the ceremony with a larger reception later.  Sometimes you just have to grit and bare it sadly.  You dont want to insult him or his family but you also have to be true to yourself.  Good Luck because I truly know how frustrating it can all be.

Post # 9
22 posts
  • Wedding: October 2008

By the way, any priest who is a member of the Roman Catholic Church has an obligation to happily marry any couple who wishes inside or outside the church.  The ONLY thing you have to do is get a special compensation from the archdiocese of the area.  To do this, one of you will need to provide documents pertaining to that person’s membership in the church, i.e. baptism and confirmation records.  THAT IS IT.  The only reason some priests will not comply is personal opinion on the matter of being married "outside the church".  This is a big deal to some because traditionally the marriage ceremony is really one small variation of a full mass, and you cannot have the full mass outside of the church.  All you officially need is to say you are there to be married in front of a priest. 

There may be cultural differences because this is India we are talking about, but church doctrine supercedes that.  If you really really want the wedding where you want it, and it has to be recognized by the church, contact the archbishop of the area.  If that doesn’t work – take it all the way up.  Seriously, these guys are putting their personal preferences onto you when they technically aren’t supposed to.  

I am getting married outside to a Jew and I’m still getting recognized by the church, and no he doesn’t have to sign away any rights over the children’s upbringing.


Post # 10
2324 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I didn’t read the whole thing, but marriage is about compromise. It’s not your job to give up everything you’ve dreamed about, just like it’s not right for him to have no say. Y’all really need to talk about what’s the most important thing to each of you and go from there.

Post # 11
7081 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

I have to put a little reality check in here.  If you are having this much problem just figuring out the Catholic part of the wedding, then what about the Catholic part of the relationship.  Religion can be a huge factor in relationships.

Are you going to be opposed to baptizing your kids?  Is he going to want that?

What about church on Sundays?

My family is Catholic and there was an individual who married outside the religion.  He struggled for years to reconcile his beliefs with his wife’s and in the end just couldn’t.  

I would encourage you to iron all this stuff out now!  This isn’t just about your wedding, its about your future.

Post # 13
50 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Sorry to hear about the recent stress. Unfortunately, it is Roman Catholic Canon Law that dictates that a wedding ceremony is to be celebrated in the church–not exactly an easy thing to get around, especially in more conservative parishes. If you want to be a total geek like me you can check it out at: http://www.vatican.va/archive/ENG1104/__P40.HTM.  While it is possible to get a dispensation to be married in another "suitable" place, these are often not easy to obtain and it would be up to the bishop in India to decide whether your outdoor location is suitable (and often outdoors is a no-go).  An alternative I’ve heard of here in the states is to have a private ceremony with the priest and family in the church first, followed by a blessing ceremony in the outdoor location.  Would it be possible for your Fiance or his parents to talk with their local priest about this or similar options?  

Also, not to throw another Catholic surprise at you, but have you determined how the two of you will complete your pre-Cana  (i.e., marriage preparation) prior to your wedding?  I’m in a long-distance relationship (although far closer than yours!), and it has definitely taken some planning to get this accomplished.  I noticed on your blog that you’re traveling to India soon.  If you all decide to continue pursuing a Catholic wedding, I’d really encourage you to meet with the priest to talk more about the wedding.  I hope you’ll find that not all Catholic weddings are "stuffy" and "overly ceremonial" but instead can be beautiful, spiritual, and personal celebrations.        

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