Post # 1
I got married six months ago. This is a long story and I’ll try to keep it to the point. My Darling Husband and I were planning on having a wedding with just the two of us and our parents. Family made us feel guilty for planning on only having the parents there so we gave in and agreed to have a simple ceremony in MIL’s backyard only with close family. I never planned on having a wedding because I have severe social anxiety and didn’t want to be in the spotlight at all and I get overwhelmed very easily.
Three weeks before the wedding my DH’s younger brother (19) introduces his new Girlfriend to the family. Before I knew it my Mother-In-Law had invited her to the wedding. I thought no big deal and I explained to my Mother-In-Law that we had agreed to keep it family only. My Mother-In-Law apologized and said she would let the girl know. One week before the wedding I realized she hadn’t told the girl not to come. I cried to my Mother-In-Law and tried my best to explain how severe my anxiety is towards strangers and how I wanted an intimate, family-only wedding. She said she’d tell her, no worries! Big surprise, the day of I found out she was still invited and I overreacted. Instead of just dealing with it, I cried. And cried. And cried. My Mother-In-Law just sat there with an annoyed face and said, “Well what do you want me to do?!” My husband was there with me and ended up yelling at his mother for putting me through this, knowing about my disorder. He cried with me. She just sat there. My Darling Husband said he’s never seen her be so cold towards anyone before. My husband ended up driving with his brother to this girl’s house and asked the girl to please not come until after the ceremony, which she did. He said he felt horrible about it.
Then it was time for the ceremony. The whole time during the ceremony and reception I was mentally gone. All I could think about was how my husband and I should have disinvited this girl from the beginning ourselves and how badly I must have hurt her feelings. The. entire. time. We ended up spending a good 20 mins of our ceremony apologizing to DH’s brother and his Girlfriend. i looked fine, but in my mind I was gone the entire time. I don’t remember barely any of it. I don’t handle stress well at all. What makes it so hard to deal with is my family has a rough past and they all came together for me for the wedding. All of them traveled past state lines just to support me. The morning of felt like magic; I was so filled with love and happiness, until I found out about the girl. I’m having such a hard time letting go of the fact that that day would have been perfect in every way if it wouldn’t have been for that incident that changed everything.
Looking back I wish I had just let the girl come and dealt with the anxiety. At least then after the ceremony was done I could have been present emotionally. I have such anger towards my Mother-In-Law for this. I can’t let it go. I keep thinking how she took away such a precious day of memories with my family and husband. My family did SO MUCH work for the wedding and they were all crying and so loving and I was just there as a zombie, not feeling anything.
It deeply hurts me to think about this. I can never relive that day with my family and feel that magical feeling of love that they gave me again. I’m so mad. I don’t know how to get past this. My Mother-In-Law is very illogical and talking about things with her doesn’t get anywhere, trust me. I am still nice to her but we are no longer close. I know I have responsibility in this. But I’m still so mad. And so sad. So deeply, deeply sad. I still cry about it. My family doesn’t even know I was upset that day. This anger is so intense but talking about it won’t give me that day back.
I expressed this to my Darling Husband and he lovingly told me he would give me a private vow renewal and I’m so thankful to be able to have that day with him, but when it comes to family vow renewals it just won’t be the same for me. All of that flood of emotions from my family won’t be there again, which is what I am so sad about.
What can I do to get past this? It’s been six months! I’d be so thankful for any encouraging words right now. Thank you for letting me vent.
Post # 3
@Ms. Flowers: I really think you need some professional help. It is not healthy to be dwelling on this for so long.
Post # 4
@Ms. Flowers: I don’t think this forum is the right place for this; have you considered talking to a therapist?
Post # 5
@Ms. Flowers: Hunnie, you need to let this go. Mother-In-Law didn’t ruin your day. You allowed her to upset you, and therefor – ruin your own day. Please find someone to speak about this with. I think you need to address your social disorder with a professional, and hopefully this person can also help you move past this. At the end of the day, you are married to a wonderful man – and it sounds like despite her mistake, your Mother-In-Law truly cares about you and wanted to have a nice wedding for you.
Post # 6
@Brideonabudgetlauren: Maybe I should. I’m normally not a person who dwells on things at all or holds grudges so I’m really struggling with still being so upset.
Post # 7
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
In agree with PPs that this may be best worked through in therapy.
Post # 8
@Ms. Flowers: I definitely think you should talk to a professional about your anxiety, I think it will help you cope with things better in the future.
Post # 9
I’ve been to therapists in the past for my anxiety but didn’t make much progress unfortunately. My Darling Husband and I are in a job transition right now so I’ll need to wait until we have healthcare again to seek out therapy. I’m just trying to find ways to deal with it in the mean time.
Post # 10
@JrzyGurl: What you said is true. I’m just upset that despite me opening up to her about my anxiety (which I never, ever open up about) she disregarded my feelings and she kept lying to me. I’m very hurt by her.
Post # 11
Well..I am sorry that you are so very upset, especially six months after the fact….since you really didnt’ want to do a large ceremony any way, I would write what happened off as a bungled dress rehearsal, plan something special and intimate just for you and your husband as a 1 year anniversary vow renewal and let the rest go.
Being angry with your Mother-In-Law over this is not a good solution to the problem, and I’m sure she was so cold and confused because she cannot understand what all the fuss was about, if she’s not familiar with your problem, or believes you use it as an excuse to get your way, her response to you might make more sense.
I am always sympathetic to people who suffer from anxiety, it’s a debilitating and difficult disorder, BUT the instant you allow your anxiety to limit or interfere with your or other people’s lives and the enjoyment of daily activities, and don’t seek treatment, well, then it’s your fault.
I would get into some therapy and also set up a time that you, your husband, your Mother-In-Law and therapist can sort this all out, because I don’t think she did anything wrong either, more like she misunderstood
Post # 12
@housebee: My Darling Husband and I were talking the other day about how once we get healthcare again that I’ll need to seek out therapists with different techniques than the ones I’ve seen in the past for my anxiety because they are obviously aren’t helping too much!
Post # 13
Why not just focus on all the good stuff that happened that day? You cannot change the past. There is literally NO WAY to change what happened (unless Doc has the Delorean working…). Focus on what you can change, which is how you are dwelling on the day of. Instead of focusing on the girl, focus on what was good. Try to remember fun details.
Post # 14
@Nona99: The only reason I opened up to my Mother-In-Law about my anxiey is because she has anxiety as well, she’s on medication for it.
You don’t find it wrong that she lied to me that she would take care of it and that she wasn’t phased by me crying in private to her about how important a family-only wedding was to me? That’s just not okay to me.
I will seek out therapy once I can. Thank you.
Post # 15
@peachacid: Thank you. I will try. It’s hard because when I think of something good, like how much my family did for me, the bad just rushes in and takes over and I remember that at the time I didn’t feel anything in response to that.
Post # 16
@Ms. Flowers: Well….I think revoking an invitation is a pretty difficult thing to do, and I am sure she lied to avoid upsetting you, or maybe she sub-contracted un-inviting this woman to her son, since they are dating and thought it was taken care of….
I just find it hard to believe she did anything deliberate to upset you, especially since she planned the whole thing for you….maybe the fact that you focus on the ONE thing that went wrong, when so many things were right has hurt her terribly and she feels her hard work was devauled because of one problem…there’s a lot of moving parts in this situation.
And people cry for a myriad of reasons…the damage was done, what was she supposed to do at that point?