(Closed) My wedding was ruined and I don't know how to deal with it. Please help.

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 123
Member
250 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Ms. Flowers: Sorry, I don’t think I was clear in my comment. By saying “labeling her behavior as a “betrayal” implies a degree of malice and ill-will that doesn’t seem to be supported by the evidence,” I didn’t mean that you are showing her malice or ill-will. I mean that you seem to be reading into your MIL’s behavior a degree of malice that I don’t think she had when she decided not to uninvite the girlfriend. For me, a betrayal implies that the person who is doing the betraying means me harm of some kind. And it honestly doesn’t sound to me like your Mother-In-Law meant you harm. It sounds like she made a mistake, which people do, and unfortunately that mistake had very severe consequences for you. Was she insensitive? Absolutely. Was she ignorant? Perhaps. Did she actively wish you harm? I don’t think so. I don’t know if this line of thinking is useful to you at all, but language carries a lot of power, so connecting what your Mother-In-Law did to what your parents did to you (as another Bee pointed out earlier) may not be helpful in moving forward in your relationship with your Mother-In-Law.

I was just hoping that perhaps framing the situation so that you could empathize with your Mother-In-Law a little more might help you move past feeling betrayed by her.

Post # 126
Member
250 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Ms. Flowers: “Yes, I will go to therapy, no need to remind me.”

I LOL’d @ this. ๐Ÿ™‚

One thing in particular that might be beneficial to you (and INCREDIBLY challenging) is going to a good group therapy. It’s common to respond to past trauma by shutting ourselves off from building relationships in which we are vulnerable, but after almost a year of therapy myself & a few months of group therapy, I am learning that this is actually a pretty awful way to live. I’m now working on building a vast network of friends and family members so that I have a LOT of people supporting me, not just a few. That way, if someone burns me, it still hurts but it’s not the end of the world. This is all very long, difficult work, but it is definitely a better way to live (for me). Undoubtedly your anxiety struggles and your own past trauma make your situation different from mine, but I do think there’s something to be said for inviting people to share our pain instead of pushing them away. I wonder if this being your Mother-In-Law (aka yet another parental figure in your life who should be there to protect you instead of hurt you) made your reaction even worse because it brought up some unresolved trauma from your past with your parents.

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck in working through all this. Even though her behavior brought up a lot of painful stuff, I am confident that when you have the support of therapy, you will be able to repair your relationship with your Mother-In-Law and maybe even grow it into something richer and more meaningful.

Post # 128
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2013

in times when I  can’t afford to pay for something, in your case therapy, what I do is figure out a way to get it for free or at a small cost that I can bear.   Some ideas that come to my mind:

1) the library – read books to larn about managing your anxious emotions. I would check Wayne Dwyer

2) the internet – find some self-guided meditations or read the blogs of psychologists.  a few good places to start would be looking at Gabriel Bernsteins website, as well as Psychology today which hs many esources

3) some kind of free or low cost support group

4) internet message boards like this one, except geared towards anxiety sufferers

5) yoga classes maybe thru your gym?  

6) working with a licesned social worker (who charge less than therapists)

7) working with a student psychologist

In general think waiting on healt insurance is not he way to go here, you need as many tools as you can get your hands on in this challenging world we live in.  you can go to a doctor soon but for now there are so many other approaches to try. 

Post # 129
Member
1603 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@mixtapehearts:  What are you talking about? I never said that she should just get over her anxiety.  Of course that would be a mean thing to say. You have clearly misunderstood one of my multiple posts in this thread.

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@Ms. Flowers:  I really wasn’t trying to be rude to you at all.  The tone of my comment came from the way I approach my own anxiety.  Though many PPs seem to think “I clearly don’t understand anxiety”, I have actually struggled with it throughout my life.  

Growing up, my mother struggled with very extreme and intense anxiety, in situations that involved crowds of people, traffic, travel, trying new things, and etc. When I was a kid, she missed out on a lot of events, because of her anxiety.  There were plays, school open houses, recitals, ball games, and the list goes on.  I saw the way it crippled her, and I was determined not to let my own anxiety affect my life the way my mother’s affected hers.  It was years before she sought help.  Instead of trying to work through her issues, or see a therapist, she just avoided situations that made her anxious.  

Because I didn’t want to go through my life simply avoiding situations that made me anxious, It was very important to me to deal with my issues head on.  It was always important for me to find ways to work through my anxiety.  Thats not to say its not hard, because I know it is!  I can’t count the number of times I’ve locked myself in bathrooms or even in my car, crying, hyperventilating, and completely freaking out over what would seem like the silliest of things. When I got to the point that I couldn’t handle it myself, I sought professional help, and I guarantee you that I’m much better for it today.  

Your situation just really hit home with me for a ton of reasons.  I hope that you can find a way to deal with your anxiety, and to move past the negative feelings about your wedding day, and your Mother-In-Law.  I know its hard, but its not impossible.  If you let it, anxiety will prevent you from being present in your own life, and put a strain on your closest relationships.  Obsessing about things that you can’t change can do the same.  Though I’m just a stranger on a message board, I really don’t want that for you.  

Post # 130
Member
250 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Ms. Flowers: Ha! I totally understand about group therapy. It’s one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done, and I don’t have extreme anxiety. I am SO not used to talking about myself or my feelings, though, so it’s been like learning a different language for me. I LOL’d at your therapy experiences. Not the content (because, my god, what horrible things to go through! No wonder you’re experiencing complicated emotions around your MIL’s behavior!), but the awkwardness. How long have you stuck with one therapist? That sounds so much like my first few sessions with my therapist. Sure enough, though, little by little, it became easier to open up. I think it helps that my therapist isn’t the “let’s relive everything in your past and cry about it” type. She addresses my past, for sure, especially since I have some serious things from my childhood that I’ve had to process, but she also focuses on how it impacts my life today and how we can change that so it has less control over my future. Without even realizing it, I’m leaps and bounds from where I was when we started. I’ve still got a lot of work to do, but I’m much more emotionally available than I was before. It is NOT a comfortable process by any stretch of the imagination, but growth rarely is.

Also, your reaction to your Mother-In-Law makes TOTAL sense given your experience with your parents. It’s a defense mechanism, and it was probably a very good thing for you to build when you were young and having to take care of yourself because your parents wouldn’t. It would’ve been unhealthy and *dangerous* for you to trust in your parents, given their behavior. I think that when you are able to work through the anger, resentment, sadness, fear, disappointment, etc. that you feel towards your parents, it will be easier for you to open up to other people because you will have other ways to defend yourself…and maybe in time, you won’t even feel the need to guard your heart because you will surround yourself with so many people who love and care for you that you won’t feel the same danger that you felt when you were young and betrayed by the people who were supposed to protect you.

<3

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