Post # 17
I am so sorry you have to go through this. I wish I had some advice for you, but I am sort of in the same place. Your mom sounds a lot like mine, except mine takes prescription pain meds. I never know who I’m going to get when I see her and I am afraid of who will show up to our wedding. It sucks. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I hope for your sake, your mom doesn’t ruin your day.
Post # 18
My huband’s mother is like this, so here is what we did. We showed the bartenders a picture of her, and said that she was only allowed a certain amount of drinks (we did beer and wine only). We didn’t tell her anything beforehand, but made it seem like there would be plenty of alcohol (to avoid her bringing her own). We had a few friends police her, and when she got a little out of hand, my mom basically said if she saw her with a drink again, or if she embarassed any of the kids (meaning us, or my SIL), she was going to get her ass handed to her by my mom! Haha, that did the trick! She didn’t do any harm to the wedding day. ((HUGS))
Post # 19
@Sunfire: don’t worry, I won’t drug her, haha.
@WaitingweddingBE: I wish I had sisters to help me out, lol, but I’m an only child. I have a lot of cousins, but since I don’t see them often (I live in a different state 10 hours away) I kinda want them to be around ME that day! Lol. I have tried to condition her like that before but then she goes on about how I’m talking to her like a kid when I’m the kid (ok, I’m going on 26 years old) and when I say “well if you would stop acting like a child maybe I wouldn’t feel the need to speak to you like this” she has a temper tantrum. sigh.
@MrsSl82be: I wish I had someone to keep her in line! Everyone except me seems to bend to her will. Getting the bartenders on my side is a great idea.
Post # 20
@imageeksowhat: Hire a DOC who can be the bad guy. (wouldn’t hurt if they had a big-beefy boyfriend she could bring in case your Mom starts to throw a fit and need to be “escorted” from the venue.
Post # 21
I think perhaps quietly asking someone before hand other than your dad to help watch out for her would work the best. We are doing the same with my grandmother, who has bipolar disorder and does not always take her medication.
If you have an aunt or cousin that knows the situation with your mom, that might be the best way because they already understand. Don’t allow it to ruin your wedding even if something DOES happen…I’m sure that others that are there will already sort of know the struggles that your mom faces and will be understanding.
Post # 22
I’m so sorry. I know exactly what you are talking about, your parents could be my parents (except my mother doesn’t drink). I’ve been fretting over this too. My mother is bi-polar and I’ve always been the focus of her attention good and bad – I guess you could say her emotional punching bag. She used to take medication but now she refuses because she doesn’t think she’s a “loon”. When I was younger I never had friends at my house because of her. Thank god for my father, he always showed me enough love for them both.
I don’t live in the same country as my parents. One moment we’re talking on the phone and she’s so happy that “her little girl” is getting married and starts gushing about going dress shopping etc, then literally five minutes later she’ll call me again…ANGRY. Saying that she can’t believe I am such an attention whore (yes, really those words from my mother) because I want to call attention to myself at my own wedding by wearing white (which according to her I don’t deserve to wear) and because I want to get a professional photographer. She has had me in tears many times over the last month, one moment being happy and then the next rubbishing my plans. My father always ends up picking up the pieces by forcefully taking the phone from her and telling me she doesn’t mean it, while she’s in the background screaming she does – I know she has a mental disorder but it still hurts to hear these things from my mother.
My Fiance always tells me to let it wash over me but it’s hard, and it really gets me down.
Anyway, my father is flying a load of her relatives who don’t speak English to the wedding in the hope that the role as “ambassador” will keep her busy. I hope this works and I hope you find a solution.
Post # 23
You may also want to consider hiring a security guard/bouncer for your reception. Delegate a trusted friend to monitor your mother. I’m sure you know her progression pattern by now. Teach this friend what to look out for, and the instant your mom crosses over whatever line you deem the point of no return, have this friend quietly seek out the guard and have your mom ejected from the reception. Ideally this will avoid any big “scene” and you won’t even notice exactly when she was removed. Most guards/bouncers know how to handle difficult people quietly and efficiently and can do so very smoothly and quickly. This way you save any friend/family from having to be the “bad” guy and whatever social repercussions your mother may retaliate with. And who knows – maybe it will be a wakeup call to her that Yes she IS that bad and needs help.
Post # 24
I have the same problem, and the same fear.
What I did is allow my mom to invite a couple friends of hers (who have been her friends for years) that would act as the ‘babysitters’ just in case.
I am getting them a seperate car service to the wedding, that will be told specifically to be on call if she wants to bail at any time (she always does at the last minute -can’t handle the social pressure). And I explained very clearly to her friends what my concerns were and that I was counting on them to help out for me if needed. They all agreed with no problem and told me not to worry. I also asked them to 1) watch her level of drinking 2) leave immediately at the first sign of trouble and 3) to please get ready with her and help make her look and feel beautiful that day because that will help encourage her to come and have a good day.
I don’t even think my mom will be able to handle standing in our receiving line wih the family. It’s so awkward to have to think about these things.
Like you, I love my mom, but I also worry because I don’t know at all which of my mom’s personalities I will get that day, and it’s really stressful. But I didn’t want any of my family to be in charge of that because I wanted them to be able to enjoy themselves.
We’re all used to dancing around her, so when I explained my plan to everyone, they thought it was a good idea, and about the best solution I could have come up with under the circumstances.
It also makes me sad that she misses out on so much, but that’s what she’s created for herself. It breaks my heart to not be able to rely on my Mom right now for this. Because as I’ve said to my Fiance, it’s not like she’s passed away, she’s right there. But I can’t depend on her.
And now I just cross my fingers, hope for my ‘best’ mom to show up, and then just try to understand that it’s going to go how it goes.
Post # 25
I feel bad a lot of you guys are going through the same thing too, but at the same time, it helps to know we’re not alone. We should start a support group, haha. My mother is actually the reason I’ve decided not to have children. I feel like I’ll fail at being a mother because of how she failed me. I’m afraid she’s effed me up so badly that I’ll do the same to my child. It’s been a vicious cycle thus far, so why WOULDN’T it continue with me? I am currently seeing a therapist, though, who is really helping me out.
@Ms_Midori: That’s how I feel. Like her emotional punching bag. I’m an only child and my father works 6am to 12am most days, so he really wasn’t around too much even though he still actually was, you know what I’m saying? But yeah. She had nobody else to project her anger on but me. And I don’t know how many times I had to take care of her when she was sloppy drunk laying on the floor crying. Great childhood I had. I brought it up a long time ago, told her I was resentful because I felt like she made things difficult for me as a child, but she would attack me, tell me I had a GREAT childhood and that I’m delusional. So I’d think I was crazy. My head is a mess.
Post # 26
Let’s all just promise never to put our daughters (if we have or end up having any) through this later in their lives >.<
Post # 27
@imageeksowhat: Hey I just wanted to say about your last post that if you want children please don’t let what happened with your mother stop you–you’re already doing right by going to therapy. Both my parents had horrible, horrible childhoods. My father’s mother also had an untreated mental disorder and was widowed when my father was a toddler so she was the only (crazy) parent he had. Both my parents suffered emotional and (what is now considered to be, but wasn’t considered at the time to be) physical abuse as kids. But they are the absolute most wonderful, kind, loving parents I can imagine. You can break the cycle.
Post # 28
I think you’ve been given some excellent advice so far. But, I did want to just reach out and say that being an adult child is no picnic. I think the fact that you are trying to not only understand but also salvage your relationship with her by including her is amazing.
Truly, I hope you get the day of your dreams by utilizing all of the advice or just some of it.
Post # 29
@bearlove: Thank you for that, really. I just don’t know. Maybe I’ll get there someday; wanting kids, thinking I won’t screw them up. Maybe one day I’ll be ready and have enough confidence in myself. Not now, though. I consider myself still young anyway, at 25. Danny is even younger, only 23. I have time to work on myself which is what I’m going to do.
@axeyourmakeupkit: Yeah, it’s frustrating because I was always pretty much the mother to my own MOM and yet she still uses the “you’re the child” thing on me. I don’t think it’s amazing, I think it’s just…what I feel I have to do. F’d up or not, she’s still my mom and I still love her.
Thank you so much. <3
Post # 30
I am so sorry that you have to worry about this! I am going through something similar with my little brother, who has a VERY SERIOUS drug problem. We have been trying to get him help, but he isn’t interested. I’d like to not invite him altogether, not because I don’t love him, but because I can’t handle the nightmare…which would be a very similar situation as you are describing re: your mom. However, my mother very much coddles and enables him, and not inviting him would cause just as much drama. I simply can’t win.
I wish I could give you advice, but I haven’t figured out a solution for myself, so I am not much help. But, I wanted to let you know that I completely sympathize.
ETA: I should mention that I am not inviting my father for this very same reason. Interestingly, everyone is OK with that, but not OK if I don’t invite my brother
Post # 31
I am so very sorry that you have to think about this in prep for your big day. But I think that it is CRUCIAL that you and your Fiance get the day that you wanted and have planned for. I love PP’s idea of calling someone (perhaps your state-trooper aunt) and laying the situation out very clearly, including an exit plan if your mom gets out of hand. Also pre-planning with the bartender is an AMAZING idea.