My younger sister's boyfriend proposed over New Years

posted 6 months ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
360 posts
Helper bee

I’m sorry you are going through this. I understand why you are upset.  My best friend got engaged about a month after I left a 5 year relationship.  I pretended to be happy for her.  But I was jealous.  So jealous.  I acted happy for her.  Then I hung up the phone and cried for 2 hours.  It doesn’t make you a bad person.   Just be sure to hide your jealousy from your sister.  You can’t help how you feel, but you can help how you react. Dont be at yourself up.

As to waiting, it is time for you to have a serious and firm timeline discussion with your boyfriend.  You need firm dates, and a clear game plan.  If you are crying in the shower, things are bad.  They are only going to get worse.  If you don’t start moving forward in your relationship, resentment and disappointment will start to poison your relationship.  Its certainly not going to help that you will be wedding planning with your sister or that your 30th bday is approaching.  It’s time to have a serious discussion with ur SO.

Post # 3
Member
762 posts
Busy bee

I feel your pain Bee. All I can say is:

1. Try and be happy for your sister – she deserves it and your frustration is not fair on her; and

2. Stop trying to read your boyfriends mind. Stop “waiting” and sit him down and ask him what. is. going. on.  What is the hold up. Where exactly is his head at? You need answers pronto. You both need a solid plan and timeline. Maybe he just needs a bit of a kick, or maybe he has legit reasons for the delay. But either way, you shouldn’t be kept in the dark. It’s your life and your relationship too. 

Post # 4
Member
67 posts
Worker bee

I absolutely understand how upsetting this situation would be, and my heart hurts for you. What should be a happy time is darkened by your doubts and discontent. So the next time boyfriend says he can’t wait to be married to you, respond with “Great, when?” You need to sit him down and make clear a timeline for your long term plans and goals together. Adult relationships need communication and while it’s romantic to think of it happening without you mentioning it, it isn’t realistic. Talking about it shouldn’t take anything away from the experience, and it puts you both on the same page. You deserve to know what’s in his head and he deserves to know what’s in yours, especially if it’s having an effect on how you feel about the relationship (which it sounds like it is).

Post # 5
Member
1657 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I totally feel for you because I’ve been there!!! My sister started dated some guy from church and we know they rush marriage. She’s 6 years younger than me and I was 30. I’d been with my then boyfriend 5 years and was just waiting for him to finish his MBA in a few months so we could concentrate on our future. He did his MBA for us anyway.

My sister’s then boyfriend who nobody knew, said he was waiting for us to get engaged first when people asked. I thought weird, you’ve known my sister 6 months. Who would even consider marriage. Then one night, my husband and I were at an engagement party 2 hours away and my sister called me. She said I’m engaged. I was blindsided. I don’t expect anyone to understand this. I’m from a big family and my mum is literally obsessed with my sister. I never wanted to be engaged or getting married when she did. So my boyfriend held onto the ring until 2 months after her poorly organised wedding.

It was super hard to get excited for him, especially when I didn’t want to be married within weeks of her. Fortunately she Had a six month engagement and we got married a year after her wedding.

 

Just think of it this way bee. You know your boyfriend well. I wouldn’t want to marry someone I’d known a year.

Our marriage councillor said it takes 4 years to really know someone. It isn’t about a wedding. It’s about a life together. You can’t rush that.

Your time will come soon 

Post # 6
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2019 - City, State

He says he knows he wants to marry you and you guys have been together for a long time, even combined some finances with the condo. He knows your timeline preference is like 3 years ago, therefore the ball is in his court…

If he can’t sit down and agree to a timeline, then do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who refuses to plan a future WITH you and calls all the shots? How about kids or retirement or relocating in the future?

I know a lot of guys who don’t want to get married until they are 30ish, they don’t want the responsibilities that they think will come soon after (house, kids, being a true “adult”). If he doesn’t want to get married until he’s 34, then work backwards. First would you ok with that age and waiting that time? If it takes a year to plan a wedding, can you get engaged earlier, 32 and then have a longer two year engagement? 

Post # 7
Member
334 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

Have you tried setting a timeline with your partner, I think you should be honest with your partner about the way your sisters propsal made you feel and your teary shower experience xx 

Post # 8
Member
2541 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

anonymousbforthis :  I feel bad for you.  Obviously her boyfriend knows she is the one for him and when you know you know.  I think this may be the kick you need to tell your boyfriend *today* that you’re done waiting,  he needs to shit or get off the pot already.  I would not have hid my tears from him.  He needs to see the anguish you are going through. 

Post # 9
Member
776 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

sorry bee, sounds like your boyfriend got a slap of reality when your sister got engaged.  after 5 years i sat my then boyfriend down and told him i was not afraid to walk away if he didnt want to marry me. i told him i didnt want to waste any more of my time while he deicides what to do. we didnt live togther tho. it seems harder to get the guy to stop taking advantage of your situation and make you his wife! you need o stop playing wife if he wont make your role fficial. it doesnt take much but walmart rings and a date at the court. anything and everything else is an exucse not to marry you. either wait for his bullshit or be willing to walk away because you are wasting your time

Post # 10
Hostess
9553 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

I’m sorry you’re going through this. To be honest, I only made it halfway through. I think you need to stop beating yourself up to be “the first.” Relationships, milestones and family planning are not a competition, and everyone should go at their own pace. “Comparison is the thief of joy.”

If you know you have a good man and are working towards marriage and the future you want together with shared goals, then keep the lines of communication open and tell him what you want and need.

Post # 11
Member
859 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I wanted to agree with PP that you need to sit him down and have a frank conversation about when you’d like to be married by, how long of an engagement you’d like, what type of engagement you’d like, that you’d like him to ask your father, etc. I wanted a surprise proposal (and got one), but I also wanted to know that it would be happening in a reasonable amount of time.

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. When I was in college one of my male friends proposed after 4 months dating, and married 5 months after that. I had been dating my now-fiance 2 years at that point, and it made me feel like shit. It hurt everytime I saw someone on facebook get engaged (especially if they were together for less time than us). I had to keep telling myself that “comparison is the thief of joy.” We know our significant others better than those other people and I am loving the life we share. We got engaged after 5.5 years together & will be married after 7.5 years together.

Post # 12
Member
6041 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I’m shocked that you’ve been with your SO for five years, are in your late 20’s and you haven’t had a timeline discussion. You say that a proposal isn’t on the horizon, but you were apparently content with that (or at least in denial) until your sister got engaged. I realize that extended timelines like this work for a lot of people, but it wouldn’t work for me. Five years is plenty of time to know whether you want to marry someone and to take action in that direction.

I am sorry this was a painful experience, but maybe it is time to give your SO a kick in the pants. He needs to either get serious or move on, not sit in comfortable stasis forever. Don’t hide your pain or your anger because I think he needs to know that what he’s doing is not okay. And you need to decide what you really want. Do you want to wait – potentially for several more years – for a proposal that may or may not come? Would you choose to stay with him without marriage? If not, you need to set a timeline in your own head AND get a timeline established with your SO. 

Your emotions about this should be a catalyzing force. You aren’t helpless here, so take action and don’t wait for life to just happen to you.

Post # 13
Member
339 posts
Helper bee

What’s keeping you from proposing to him?

Post # 14
Member
3285 posts
Sugar bee

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. After 5 years why is there no proposal in sight? I wouldn’t stay with someone that long who couldn’t commit. It’s a waste of your time and too many women let the years go by just hoping and being disappointed. It’s time to get down to brass tracks with your boyfriend and start by telling him how your sister’s proposal made you feel. And then tell him that you want to be something better than his longtime girlfriend just waiting indefinitely. Don’t stay with him if he won’t commit. He’s had long enough to make up his mind. Stay with him with no proposal and you will wind up regretting these lost years. 

Post # 15
Member
3285 posts
Sugar bee

WallNut : Someome always says this and it shows a total lack of understanding of the dynamics at play here. 

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