(Closed) Nagging guests BEFORE the rsvp deadline date?

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Some people just can’t stand waiting until the deadline, but I can’t stand people that call and are pushy about it like that.

For our wedding, I casually asked people if they had received the invite, but didn’t ask if they were coming. I had a few relatives I wasn’t sure on, and when I saw them online, I messaged them on Facebook to just check in. I figured this was the best method to indirectly say “send in your rsvp”.

Post # 4
3265 posts
Sugar bee

@guitargirl: It is rude to call people before the deadline has passed.  If the couple knew they wanted to know sooner, then they should have set the date accordingly.

I also don’t like the “we don’t want you to be without seats”.  If she has invited you, she really needs to find you a seat.

Post # 5
46413 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Sounds like she has a B list that she wants to get to.

Post # 6
4336 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think that is super rude. I might have called her out, “well, actually, funny you should call since I did just send the rsvp in, but now I’m curious…don’t we have until the date to send it in? why are you calling people early?”

Post # 7
1699 posts
Bumble bee

Back when I was a girl, it was considered rude for a hostess so much as to put “R.s.v.p.” in the corner of her envelope. After all, it was reasoned, every well-bred guest knows that she has a responsibility to reply, and to do so immediately. Reminding people that way implied that they weren’t well-bred, and might not reply at all if not prompted. 

By the time I was in my teens “R.s.v.p.” had become acceptable: even the Princess had “the favour of a reply is requested” on her invitation, but old habits die hard, and I still flinch to write it on an invitation. Putting a “by-when” date bothers me even more: the standard is that my guests should reply at once. What are they waiting for, a better offer from someone else? If I put a date on the card, am I not implying to them that such a delay is fine by me — when it certainly is not?

So, no, I have never nagged anyone before the deadline, because I never print a by-when date. I collect my replies by whatever method the guests choose to send them (a surprising number use email and private Facebook, by the way) and for large club or extended-family events we work with the caterer to make sure there is a flexible way to accomodate surprise attendees. Usually the surprise attendees at a large event are compensated for by the surprise no-shows, and most catering companies know this. The trends for actual numbers of no-shows and surprise-shows vary from city to city, so the caterer is the best source of information about local trends.

The big problem is when it’s a small formal dinner and one member of a carefully balanced party of ten doesn’t reply. I try to work the subject into casual conversation to bet my reply without embarrassing the guest. But I did have one a couple of years ago who managed to remain incommunicado for a month, and then call the evening of the dinner to say “we’re still on, right?” I had already set the table for nine: I distracted the guests with canapes and brilliant conversation while my kitchen-helper worked discrete miracles with the table-extension, extra linen, and quick setting skills.

The moral of this story is, ignore the deadline and reply at once, and always make a couple extra individual desserts just in case.

Post # 8
4355 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I got on call once ON the deadline (my response was in the mail too) and I thought it was incredibly rude.

Post # 9
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Technically, I think the best etiquette is for an immediate RSVP when you get the invite.

She might be trying to get to a “B list.” Alternatively, think about how many times people post on here about guests asking if so-and-so can come (or accomodation of kids. Or even the accomodation of a caregiver, which was an addition that I did not anticipate when we first did our list) – she might be trying to see how she can answer those folks.

Post # 10
5110 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2011

Well when my date hits in 3 days I will be contacting people. Not before but on the day. So far about half of our guests have responded and Im not going to eat the cost of 60 some meals, so I will be inviting more people for people who dont plan on attending, but I will not contact them until after the date.

Post # 11
602 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I was guilty of this to a degree.  It was more I knew people were coming (ahem some were in the bridal party) and I was waiting on food choices.  When it got down to roughly 10 people I knew were going to be there I did email and say “hey whats your food choice” so that I could finalize things and work on seating.  I guess when you get close to the cut off the bride overdrive kicks into high gear….

hopefully no one was super offended.

Post # 12
5118 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I won’t call before the deadline, and I’ll try to make myself wait 3 days after it’s passed (for all those who drop it in the mail ON the deadline). I’d be a bit put off that she called early, but like others said, she’s probably looking to send out some B-lists. Still, that’s a bit awkward. 

Post # 14
2195 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I’m guilty of this. I’m just so impatient, and want to know who’s coming! I haven’t called anyone, but I’ve been harassing friends on fb and texts. It’s more of a joke, and I’m not calling any of the “adults” until after the deadline.

I’m really surpirsed actually of how irresponsible some people are. All of the groomsmen have called/texted Fiance to ask him every detail (what time it starts, what hotel to stay out, where the rehearsal dinner is), after we sent out STD’s with our website on it and rehearsal dinner invites… not to mention our very detailed wedding invitations. When I’ve asked some of said irresponsible friends if they got our invitation or STD, they say things like “oh, yeah it’s somewhere” or “I think I did?” Like….really?

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