Post # 1
When I issue gentle reminders to my husband, he tells me to stop nagging him, that he’s taking care of it, etc.
When I don’t follow up with him and he forgets about something, he asks me why I didn’t remind him.
What brought this rather silly rant on? A few weeks ago, I handed my husband a gas bill and asked him to take care of it. He said he would. At that time, the due date was in nine days. He put it on his desk and then I would later discover that he forgot all about it. Last night, I suddenly thought about it, checked our gas account online, and saw that the last bill was missed. We immediately payed up, and as of now we owe nothing. There were no late fees or anything.
I know. A gas bill that’s paid a week late isn’t a big deal at all, but I did ask him what happened, why he let it go, and how we could avoid this in the future. He told me I should have reminded him.
Um, what? This is coming from the same man who said, “I know, stop bugging me” when I reminded him about other things, like bills and such? And then when I decide to just let him handle it himself, he forgot all about it? Make up your mind, DH!
Post # 3
Maybe you should take the responsibility of paying the bills yourself instead of letting him do the bills if he is forgetting. I think, in my opinion, only 1 person should be in charge of paying bills if bank accounts are together. The relieves stress between couples. It worked with my previous marriage, and it works with FI and I. Finance is a huge problem with couples. This should eliminate the nagging on that part.
As far as petty things, let it go.
Post # 4
My fi does this. He gets so immersed in whatever he does.. he just casts things that he needs to do aside. Whether it be letting the dog outside, paying bills, or putting his dirty dish in the sink!
It drives me up the wall.
After a few missed car payment scares, he decided it would be best for me to take over the financial situation.. so we just deposit out checks into the bank and I pay all the bills so he doesn’t have to worry about a thing.
The only thing that’s changed for him is that he needs to ask me before making any large purchases because the money might not be in there from paying the bills.
Post # 5
@CorvusCorax: My SO is a super pain in the ass about crap like this. I have to remind him about things all the time. If I didn’t, it wouldn’t get done. Even with reminders things don’t get done! So annoying. It’s not like he has a bad memory either. He just doesn’t prioritize things like I do.
When I do remind him, he tells me he heard me the first time or not to worry about it etc. Then, whaddayaknow, it still hasn’t been done the next time I ask him.
My solution is to do as much as possible without his involvement (paying the bills, etc). He works 55 hrs/week so he just doesn’t have the time or care to make the time for a lot of trivial things like calling Comcast oe whatever else. For everything he has to do (like capping the data on our cell phone plans)I just have to nag him until it gets done. I sent him daily texts about capping the data and after 2 1/2 wks, he finally did it. So annoying!
Post # 6
Maybe you guys need a talk about the definition of nagging?
No seriously – like what does nagging mean to you, does it mean something different to him?
FI forgets crap all the freaking time (he usually remembers to pay the bills, though).
I found that sharing my Google (we both have Android phones) calendar with him (and he shares his with me) and syncing them with our smartphones does WONDERS for keeping him on track. Because when I add an event from my phone, he gets it on his phone. When he adds something on his, I can see his schedule.
So I think in your shoes (using our system) I’d set a recurring calendar event to “PAY GAS BILL” every month before it’s due, so it pops up on his phone.
Post # 7
I finnaly got my FI to set up auto payment on all bills that he can so they get paid on time. He is supper scared about this for a long time, but after missing the electric bill in the pile of bills for the third time, I kind of put my foot down.
As far as the “nagging issue,” my FI and I have a set time and place to talk about things that impact both of us every night. I make dinner while he does dishes in the kitchen and we go down the list of things that we each thought of during the day, and go over the schedule for tomorrow. Since it catches neither of us off guard, it’s really hard to see it as nagging.
Post # 8
- Wedding: September 2015 - Ketchum, ID
@CorvusCorax: Ugh, my boyfriend does this. We were cooking skirt steak last night and I told him “make sure you put the seasoned side down first” and, I kid you not, five seconds later he put it down on the unseasoned side. Normally I would just politely say something, but last night I was like “I literally just fucking told you to put it down on the seasoned side”.
I was irritable because he was distracted by football, haha. He just handed me the tongs and let me cook them.
Post # 9
@CakeyP: I think we do have different definitions of nagging.
“Hey, did you remember to do X? No? Okay, please take care of it.” He considers this nagging. I consider it just a reminder.
The word nagging makes me think of a shrill Barbara Streisand character incessantly pestering someone… Lol.
But yeah, as hard-working and lovely as he is, he’s can be a rather absent-minded individual. Either we need to have a system (like the brilliant phone reminder suggestion you made) or I should just take responsibility for ultimately ensuring bills get paid because I’m a lot more organized than he is.
@Misswhowedding: I’m a little wary about the automatic billing too, so I see where your man was coming from, lol. I take comfort in the fact that I am controlling the transaction myself–or my husband is (as the case has been up until now.)
Post # 10
My opinion might not be vey popular, but if he says I’m nagging I tell him I wouldn’t have to “nag” if he got shit done in the first place.
Also it seems that for many men, EVERYTHING we ask them to do or remind them of is a nag, no matter how or when it’s communicated.
I am not falling for the “do as much as you can without them/take the task on yourself” because I’m sorry, I already do more than my fair share and I’m not going to shoulder his responsibilities as well just because he can’t/doesn’t find it important enough to get his chores done. He has the same technology as I do to organize himself!
Post # 11
@turnanewleaf: I agree. It does seem like men have a much looser definition of nagging that women do, in general. I think they just feel mildly annoyed when we bring up things they consider menial and would rather not focus on.
Post # 12
@CorvusCorax: I think the key is finding a way to remind him that he doesn’t find annoying. Maybe he feels your tone is nagging so shoot him a text and say, “You’ve probably already taken care of this, but I was just thinking about X and wanted to ask you.”
He is being immature – it’s your fault if you remind him and your fault if you don’t. I think it’s an easy fix though. My husband knows he’s forgetful so he appreciates being reminded. Maybe you guys can reach that compromise if you determine how he likes to be told.
Post # 13
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
I hear ya, I’m in the same boat. My guy and I have been together for 13 years now and this still happens. Argh!
One thing that’s helped us is both of us realizing that he sucks at remembering random but important things like paying the gas bill. So I take care of all the bills… not that I’m super organized either, but I’m better than he is. That way I don’t have to worry and he doesn’t have to get “nagged”.
For household chores, we have clear lines of duty (he cooks and cleans the kitchen, I do all the picking up and laundry, we both clean together once in a while). That’s really helped me not have to nag him to help around the house.
Post # 14
Ugh. My husband does the same thing. If I remind him, it’s nagging. If I don’t, he forgets. We can’t win!
Post # 15
I spoke to a good friend (who’s actually a therapist) about this at lunch today, and she had an interesting theory about nagging in a marriage.
The negative stereotype of the naggy wife is so deeply ingrained in our culture, that a lot of men almost automatically have a kneejerk reaction to being reminded of something. They don’t register it as a request–no matter how nice the wife’s tone is. They immediately just register it as nagging, so they blow it off and ignore it. This then makes the wife increasingly annoyed and frustrated, so her tone begins to reflect it. Thus, it’s a stupid catch-22 and both husband and wife perpetuate the negative stereotype. That’s why men and women usually have completely different ideas about what constitutes as nagging. Men typically say they feel nagged when they are reminded a few times about something. Women usually say they feel nagged when someone does it in a harassing manner.
Post # 16
@CorvusCorax: Is there any reason why you didn’t just pay the bill when you saw it was due in 9 days?