Post # 1
I’ve been a lurker for a while but now I just need to vent / get some advice.
A brief background. My Fiance and I have been dating 7 years and about 2 months ago he proposed! We’re both really excited! There’s only been one issue that’s really turning into a problem and that is me changing my last name. I always knew I would not change my last name to my husband’s, even as far back as high-school. He has known of my feelings on this matter for a long time. Now that it has come down to it being an actual decision that has to be made he is really hurt. He is not a traditional person but for some reason he is about this. He just thinks it’s the way it should be. I totally disagree on phylisophical grounds, it’s just not for me.
I don’t want our marraige to start out on this foot. I want to come to a compromise or some solution that we can both live with and where neither of us feels like we’ve “lost.” I mentioned hyphenating for both of us and he literally said “you’re kidding right, I’m not hyphenating my last name.” How can he expect me to up and change my last name while he obviously finds the idea so repugnant when it comes to him? He has basically said that it’s all or nothing and he doesn’t want to compromise. He has also said that he knows it is my decision and he will abide by it (obviously he doesn’t really have a choice, he can’t make me) but I know it is really bothering him.
He isn’t usually like this. We communicate, compromise, and have a great relationship. This is the first time we’ve come to a deadlock like this and I don’t know what to do.
Post # 3
Why don’t you just hyphenate your name? I know some girls on here will make their maiden name as a middle name (or second middle name) and take their husband’s last name.
Post # 4
I didn’t want to change my name because I love all of it. First middle and last.
But Dear Fiance really wanted me to take his name.
I’m going to compromise by keeping my full name, but tacking his on to the end. I refuse to let go of my maiden name or middle name because I go by firstmiddle with many people, and my last name is a huge part of who i am.
My email addresses will remain the same, only legally will I be Mrs. Hisname.
Post # 5
@LiliKitty: I’m willing to hyphenate but I think he should too. I guess I’m a bit more of a feminist than I realized. Woman traditionally take a husband’s last name because they ceased to have any legal significance, they were completely subsumed into their husband. In my mind this reads “owned.” Obviously that’s not the case anymore, at least in this country. But it just rubs me the wrong way that I am expected to change my name and he, for some reason, thinks he shouldn’t have to do a thing.
So bottom line is I would hyphenate if he agreed to as well.
Post # 6
@MissMaryMc: That seems like a great solution! I’ve been wavering on the name change idea and I might just use this!
Post # 7
@Lacaena: I totally understand that whole “own” thing so I certainly don’t judge anyone who doesn’t want to take their husbands last name. To each their own, ya know? I don’t have much connection to my last name so I’ll be giving it up come the time. However, are you two planning on having children? What last name will you give them if you do? Keep in mind, that even if you don’t take his last name, chances are likely that people will likely call you Mrs. Hislastname anyway. Hopefully that wouldn’t bother you.
Post # 8
Since you both feel so strongly about it, and you’re the one holding the cards here, the decision is completely on you. You’ll have to decide what’s more important to you: sticking to your guns and keeping your name for your reasons, or changing it because you know it’s important to him. By changing it, I mean either taking his last name, hyphenating, adding his on, or making your current name your middle, etc.
I can’t tell by your post if he’ll hold resentment if you don’t change your name, only you know that and only you know what’s right for you. For me personally, I was resistant at first to change, but I realized it’s important to my Fiance and I really don’t care what my last name is honestly. It’s just something to write down on documents. He and I don’t have any issues with power, gender roles, ego, etc, so when I took all of that out of it, I realized it’s just a name (to me). I also figured it’ll be a little easier in certain situations if our last names are the same. But that all applies to me. Other people are super attached to their maiden names and keeping it was right for them, for various reasons from career issues to just liking the sound of their name.
Post # 9
I’m dropping my middle name and moving my maiden name to be my middle name, then taking his last name. So instead of RAJ as I am now, I’ll be RJC. My middle name is kind of a filler anyway – it wasn’t chosen in honor of a relative or anything – so it’s more meaningful to me to keep my maiden name then to keep the old middle name. I didn’t want the mess of hyphenating or having 2 middle names, so this was the best solution for me.
Good luck sorting it out with your fiance – it’s a contentious issue for some people but ultimately, you taking his name or hyphenating or whatever – it means whatever YOU want it to mean. I mean, engagement rings used to be given as a compensation for ruining the bride’s reputation if the man ditched her. So many things have different meanings now than they did years ago.
Post # 10
what about using it socially but not changing it legally.
I am doing that for myself until I feel comfortable changing my last name entirely. It would not hypenate well since I use both my first and middle name. My name would be 21 letters long. lol