Post # 1
I just wanted some friendly advice… I’m in an awkward spot with changing my name. I really struggle with the whole concept of it. Not that I don’t want to take my fiance’s lastname, but I’ve been FName MName LName for 27 years…. and the idea of just changing is kinda tough for me. I have multiple degrees with my name on it, including a Master’s – not to mention just existing and networking as FName MName/Initial LName.
I thought for the sake of me easing into a name change that I would just tack his last name onto the end of mine… no hyphen…. just a new last name. My fiance got offended when I told him that’s what I wanted to do! I live in the South and he’s a bit older than me, so I understand the tradition aspect of wanting me to take his last name, but I don’t understand why he would be so upset with me keeping what I already have. He’s not having to make any changes.. He wants me to be FName LName HisLastName. I told him that’s what I would probably go by – but that wasn’t good enough, because he doesn’t want me to use my maiden name written out as a middle name on my business cards! I don’t get it. I’ll have a new last name, but I just want to hold on to a part of me.
So much of tradition is a woman’s identity being absorbed into a man’s… why can’t I keep a little bit of who I am without offending him? At the end of these conversations he usually just shrugs and frowns. I don’t want to hurt him, but there seems to be no middle ground. I’ve told him that I’ll just do the FName LName HisLastName but that I really want to go by all three names, and he doesn’t like that. How do I at least explain this him? I love him dearly, but he just sees this as the thing you do. He’s so progressive with so many things but is taking such a hardline with my name… 🙁
Post # 2
Your name. Your decision.
Post # 3
tulippoplar: A few things:
Your name, your decision. If he doesn’t like it, oh well.
If his name is so important to him that he would not consider changing it, why should your name be any less important to you?
Tell him to look up the history of women changing their last name. It has to do with us being considered property in the old days.
I am NOT knocking anyone who does decide to change their name. But in the end, it’s up to that person to make that choice.
Post # 4
I agree with PP. I’m having a hard time with my name change because my kids will have a different last night (my ex husbands **gag**). If you don’t want to change your name don’t.
Post # 5
- Wedding: September 2012 - Southern California
I’m surprised he’s still not on board by you compromising to be FName LName HisLastName! What is his reasoning for wanting you to completely change it?
Post # 6
stephanie091512: That was his suggestion 🙂
”He wants me to be FName LName HisLastNamel”
Post # 7
Tell him you want him to change his last name to yours. When he objects, as he most certainly will, remind him that the feeling is mutual. Then do what you want, because its your name. I think your compromise is pretty fair 🙂
Post # 8
What’s he worried about? Your childrens’ last names? That’s the only thing I could kinda understand, but yeah, it’s your decision ultimately
Post # 9
rendezvous89: yeah, but he doesnt even want her to use it, even though he suggested it. Which is dumb.
Post # 10
I think he just takes it as an insult that I wouldn’t just do it. He said he doesn’t understand why this name change thing is so hard for me and why I wouldn’t be honored to take his last name… It’s really confusing because when I told him that I absolutely HATE it when I see Mrs. Husband’s FirstName Husband’s LastName he totally agrees. I addressed all the wedding invites as Mr & Mrs HisFirstName & HerFirstName LastName despite tradition, because I don’t think that just because you get married you stop having your own name altogether! He gets that… he just doesn’t get why I won’t simply go by MyFirstName HISLastName (no other name included).
Post # 11
minniegrace: I told him that we would all have the same last name if we have kids… and I’ve agreed to take his last name… he’s just putting conditions on how I do it!
Post # 12
Your name, he can deal with it. Why does he have a problem with it, anyway? Tradition is just tradition. If you like it, great! If you don’t, just don’t do it. If its a macho or a possessive thing he needs to get over himself. You agree to marry him, he didn’t throw you over his shoulders and claim you like a neanderthal.
Post # 13
tulippoplar: As others have said, it’s your name, your identity, and your choice. He isn’t changing his name – how would he feel if you asked him to and put conditions on it?
I kept my name legally but use my DH’s name socially. I also have an advanced degree, have been published, and have built up name recognition in my career – I am not giving that up!
Post # 14
I’ve been really struggling with this too. You’re definitely not alone! I’ve been FName MName LName for the last 31 years and it’s been working out pretty well for me. As much as I dreamed about meeting the right guy and getting engaged/married, I’ve always been reticent about changing my name. Fiance said he really hopes I’ll take his last name, but it’s ultimately my decision, which is sweet of him.
I think I’m going to do FName MaidenName FI’sLName and use my middle name as much as possible, especially professionally since I have some research publications under my birth name. I want our future kids to have his last name and I don’t want it to seem like we’re not married to outsiders, so I’m going to suck it up and make the change. :-/
Post # 15
I agree with PPs. He has no say, and him trying to force you to do what he wants is not ok. It’s not YOU who needs to come to terms with HIS choice, it’s the other way around.