(Closed) Name Change Dilemma — disagreement with fiance :(

posted 6 years ago in Traditions
Post # 31
Member
190 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I recommend asking him “is this a hill you are willing to die on?” I once was engaged to someone who insisted on his way with the name thing and it was clearly a hill he was willing to die on.  Made no sense to me but it gave me some perspective on the fight. In contrast, current husband wanted me to change my name so I asked him this question. He said no. So I fought with the decision on my own and ultimately didn’t change my name and we all dealt with it. In the modern world, there are sometimes no good answers and name change definitely doesn’t lead itself to compromise! So see if this is something everything can just get over and realize you may never be fully happy about the whole thing. The good news is if you make the wrong decision, you can always pay to fix it! That was part of my logic . . . I’d rather pay to have it changed when I decide that’s the right thing then to do it now. I’m a scientist and my ‘brand’ matters! But one day, priorities may change. That being said, my name is something I really enjoy, so I’m happy with my decision, even if it’s not a perfect solution.

 

All of that being said, his disagreement makes no sense whatsoever! My middle name shows up a lot of places for no real reason when other’s middle names don’t. So it’s not like you have control most of the time anyway . . .

Post # 32
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2015

This is totally your decision!! Im still deciding what to do. I think I will be FName LName his last name legally…go by my maiden name at work…my only thing is my middle name…I feel hesitant to just cut that out completely..I see some of you girls are keeping your names having 4 names..I’m thinking of that as an option..are there any complications with that? Like when you have to put a middle initial haha..that’s what I wonder. .

I never thought so much about this, but now that it’s so close im realizing what a big deal it is!

Post # 33
Member
1742 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
mightywombat:  If you are in the minority with how you think on this, you shouldn’t be.  “Gross” is far too kind a descriptor for this behavior, IMO. 

OP, I would inform your fiancé that since your compromise is apparently unacceptable to him, you’ll simply be keeping your name as it is.

Post # 34
Member
892 posts
Busy bee

Drag your feet on making any changes.  After a while he will be more willing to compromise when he sees you are in no hurry.  By then a compromise will look good.

Post # 35
Member
1221 posts
Bumble bee

Ew. Could not marry someone who thought this way, sorry. Definitely kept my name, and it was never even a discussion. I don’t care at all if women want to change their name, but IMO the husband should have little to no say.

Post # 36
Member
20 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2015

While I think in the end it is totally your decision, I would also talk with him more. I went through a similar issue with my fiancé. Besides asking to really articulate why this was important to him, I also made him read multpile articles about the issue (check out apracticalwedding.com). The part that hurt me at first was his unwillingness to understand and appreciate my side. 

Post # 37
Member
1452 posts
Bumble bee

I’m a widow so this is my second time around.  My professional documentation – diplomas, certifications, etc are all in my maiden name (FirstName MiddleInitial MaidenName).  When I got married, I renamed myself from FirstName MiddleName MaidenName to FirstName MaidenName LastName.  When I remarry, the LastName just flipps to the new LastName.  We’re in the south and it wasn’t a big deal to my husband at all.

Post # 38
Member
522 posts
Busy bee

I had an awesome professor who decided to take the hyphenated new last name that his wife had taken. So BOTH of their last names were HerMaidenName-HisLastName. He wasn’t very awesome as a teacher otherwise, but very progressive. You could tell he really stood by his wife’s choice to hyphenate and put a foot forward to create a sense of unity and equality. I’m considering it, but my SOs last name sounds terrible with mine x.x

Post # 39
Member
692 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2015 - Family Farm

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tulippoplar:  I am doing literally the exact same thing. I will be Olgarie Middle Maiden NewLast. Essentially my last name will become a second middle name. Which I love. But I will go by Olgarie Middle NewLast for most things.

My DH always told me that my name is my choice, but he would like that I had his name is some way.

We’re from the South too. Louisiana to be precise. F tradition. Your name. Your choice. End of discussion.

Post # 40
Member
4 posts
Wannabee

I don’t see an issue with having your maiden name as your new middle name. 

My mother kept her maiden name for legal purposes as her middle name and my fathers last name as hers. 

Obviously it is a matter of opinion and I assume your Fiance has his, but I can’t understand his reasoning with not having your maiden as a middle name on a business card.

Even when you have children they can still have his name. They dont have to have yours.

I will be taking my husbands last name whenever it comes my way, but I also have decided that I am going to make my maiden name my middle name. Because like you I am having identity issues lol I feel that I have had my last name for 23 years and its me. so i will have to have it as my middle name.

 

 

Overall, Ask him to explain his reasonings, and you explain yours. As long as you can try to understand where he is coming from then you can make the decision…. like they said before me, YOUR NAME, YOUR CHOICE.

Post # 41
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

I’m keeping my name exactly how it is. I am not taking his name in any form. We talked about this well before our engagement and at first he was a bit miffed, but after talking about it he was perfectly fine with me keeping my name how it is. We also discussed the idea that if we choose to have children (still a big ‘if’) their last names will then be hyphnated; I think this is the main reason he was okay with me keeping my name as is.

Post # 42
Member
323 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

In this day and age women changing their last name is completely up to the women. I mean, some men change their last name nowadays! I’m sorry your FH is not taking it well but this is definitely something you guys need to work out as this is how disagreements will go after marriage. 2 people don’t have to agree on everything but you’ll have to learn how to agreeing on disagreeing and loving each other despite those instances.

Post # 43
Member
1705 posts
Bumble bee

I can relate. My fiancé was sad when I told him I wasn’t changing my name. He is normally such a feminist that I was really surprised by it. But you know what? He gets to be sad, and I get to keep my name. I think you are meeting your fiancé more than halfway already. 

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