(Closed) Name Change Drama with Husband

posted 9 years ago in Names
Post # 3
Member
6245 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 1900

I’m confused, as I’m sure you are too.  First he pretty much demands that you take his last name, then he backs off and lets you decide for yourself, but now he is making it clear that he really doesn’t want you to take his last name?  *scratches head*

Post # 4
Member
2392 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think what happened is he tried to take ownership over a decision that should have been yours to make and you both ended up resenting each other.

IMO, the best way to move past this is to do nothing now and wait on it.  You can change your name next month or next year or in ten years or never.  But don’t do it until enough time has passed that there’s no longer resentment associated with it on either side.  Wait until it feels like it’s your choice to both of you and don’t feel like there’s any deadline or decision you have to make.

Post # 6
Member
87 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I can feel you’re emotional right now, so maybe just put the issue on hold for now.  Take your time and decide for yourself if you want to make the change, don’t do it to please your hubby.  You’ve already committed to each other for life by marrying each other.  Changing your name or not changing your name doesn’t mean there is more or less love from either of you.

It is a hot topic for us – well we’ve still got 10 months to battle it out lol!  I’d say we’re quite a modern couple but he does like some traditions and this is one of them.  For me, the upside of changing my name will be less confusion from others, especially when it comes time to have children.  The downside is that I love my name, and I’ll have had it for 30 years by the time we’re married!  Ultimately though it will be my decision and he’ll have to deal.  🙂

Post # 7
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

It’s been a hot topic for us, too.  Before we met, he just assumed his eventual wife would take his name.  I, however, am a strong feminist and always assumed I would keep my name.  Also factoring into this is the fact that I’m a scientist and have publications and degrees in my “maiden” name; if I changed it, I’d basically lose that professional weight.  Besides, I was in school for 23 years to become Dr. Mylast; I don’t know who Dr. Hislast is!  Eventually I decided to hyphenate; even though my last name is now 16 letters plus the hyphen, I think it was the right decision for me.  He still says he wishes we had the same last name (though he understands my reasoning with respect to my profession), but I say that if he wants it that badly, he can hyphenate too 🙂 

We had quite a blowup over this, too; I was surprised it was as dramatic as it was, but I also took some time afterwards to calm down and make sure I was doing what I really wanted before I actually did all the paperwork.

Post # 9
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Yes. I get so jealous anytime a bee posts “my Mr. doesn’t care if I change it or not”…who/where are these guys???  Mine cared a LOT.

I probably never would have changed my name if he didn’t care so much.  We got into many fights about this. My husband is fairly traditional and grew up expecting that when he got married his wife would take his name. He didn’t understand at all what a big deal it was for me, which I hugely resented – I (half-jokingly) suggested he change his name to mine, and he couldn’t comprehend that at all, which pissed me off even more.  Eventually I realized that he felt really hurt that I might not take his name, and that he would feel somehow less manly or something if his wife did not do what all the other wives did.  Also, we’d like kids someday and I do think it really is much easier being known as a family unit by a common last name for all….so I decided that his pride was more important than my resistance, and that I would change it.  Eventually.  I needed a while to get used to the idea though. He was patient and did not nag me, so for our 1 year anniversary I started the process of changing my name.  Not changing it at work though – Baby steps!

I am guessing your husband is like mine in that this means so much b/c he never thought of it any other way, and it would seem like a huge slight to him if you did not change it – as if you didn’t love him enough to take his name.  You need to decide what’s more important. I think it’s good if you take a few more days to calm down, talk it out, and change it when (and if!) you are ready.

 

Post # 10
Member
2392 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

View original reply
@MayFlower0514:  I think he’s feeling like he crossed a line from “expressing his preference” to “telling you what to do” and now he feels really bad about that.

I am sure my opinion is colored by my own decisions and experiences (as is everyone else’s), but since you’re feeling pressure from the deadline and like he doesn’t want you to do it now, leave everything as is for the passport/DL UNLESS you feel like you really, really want to do this now.  If you are 110% comfortable with changing it now regardless of how he feels, he will eventually accept how things happened.  If you think you’re going to have any regret at all, wait.  You can always change your name later.  If you keep pushing down a path that’s leading to regret on both your sides, it’ll be a lot harder to fix than a court order and a new passport.

It’s OK now, but it needs to be ENTIRELY your decision.  You need to be really excited about it, no matter what he thinks (beacuse if that’s the case, he’ll eventually get excited, too.  If not, he’ll keep feeling like he bullied you into something).  If you really feel that way do it, if not wait.  There are plenty of women out there who’ve changed their name later on (after several years of marriage, before a first child).  Even if you leave your name legally as is, you can start going by his name socially in a few months even if you don’t get a chance to change your IDs and stuff at that time.

Post # 11
Member
83 posts
Worker bee

I’m sorry that you’re having so much drama over something as simple as your name :/ It definitely should be your decison alone. I’ve noticed that a lot of guys (at least ones I know) actually do care a lot, for some reason, about their wife/future wife taking their last name. I personally, like you, think it’s rude and controlling to assume that the person you marry will definitely take your last name.

My s.o. and I were talking about names a while ago and though he is an egalitarian and pro-women’s rights, he surprisingly was upset that I didn’t want to take his last name. I like my name, I’ve had it for a long time, and I really don’t want to have to change it, especially if he doesn’t have to either. His last name doesn’t sound good with my first name either. I’m also getting a Ph.D. after my undergrad is finished, and we aren’t going to get married until in the middle of/after that. Thankfully he quickly backed off and realized it was my decision, especially after I turned the tables and asked him if he would like to have to change his name upon marriage 😛

Post # 12
Member
287 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I think its just one of those newlywed issues.  Me and my DH had the WORST fights about the STUPIDEST things the first month, some still rear there hear here and there, and we’re not a normally argumentative couple.  I think there’s kind of like a subconscious power struggle, its tough to keep yourself and become one at the same time, or at least thats how I feel sometimes.

Changing my name was tough for me, even though I didn’t think it would be.  My compromise was keeping my middle and maiden names as middle names and tacking the new one on the end, that way I didn’t lose something, just added more on.  Oh, and I freaked out the first time he wrote Mr. and Mrs. hisfirstname hislastname… excuseeee me, I think my name should go somewhere in there too! haha. He got very defensive about that.  

It does seem like he just wants to back off and let it be your choice, so go with your gut, make the choice that’ll make you happy, and leave the bickering behind.  It really goes nowhere anyways. Oh just make sure if you want to do it, you do before the time runs out.  I think its 2 years in my state with the marriage license, otherwise you have to go through the legal system, ugh.

Post # 14
Member
4640 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

so good to hear that! i am always happy to read updates.

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