Post # 1
I am going in circles and circles about what to do with this, seriously: losing sleep. I have NO idea why I cannot just make a decision. I love my name, including my middle name. My fiance’s last name is great too and sounds great with my first name. Too long to hyphanate. I identify as a feminist and I think thats part of what is killing me with this. I also have kind of an attachment to “traditional” family, well, traditions for lack of a better word and find myself drawn to our whole family having the same name or at least me having the same name as my future (hopefully!) kids. My fiance said he is not changing his name (which I get I guess and don’t know that I would even want) but that he doesn’t care what I do with my name or what we name our kids — so long as if there is more than one they have the same last name…but that it can be mine. You’d think that would make me say ok great then lets do my name stays and the kids get it and you don’t mind really but you have a different one BUT i don’t feel that way. I still feel torn and I am so not sure why. We even talked about if we have a boy giving him my (current) last name as a first name — and it would be really cute and work great. That should solve it but I still feel stressed and torn. Anyone else been through this? I feel like such a drama queen but no solution seems right. i don’t want to drop my middle name — I love it and keeping my maiden name by changing it to a middle name feels a little like a lot of effort for not much of an impact to myself — it’s both too much and not enough. I’ve thought about doing the reverse too…taking his as my middle, but even that it kinda has weirdo out everyone besides him who I have told the plan to and won’t it be weird if we name our kid my last name? Though I guess we could always cross that bridge if/when we come to it, we may not even have a boy or we may prefer a different name. That said honestly the solution I feel any kind of calm with is First name HisLast MyLast. I may ask him if he’d consider also changing his to First name MyLast HisLast…I think that could be nice. Or is that all just a very weird rabbit hole?!
Post # 2
What a great thing to bring up. I feel its not talked about a lot on here.
I feel I would have the same problem. 🙁
I love my last name, it’s spaniard and flows with my name,but my SO would prbably appreciate me taking his last name. His last name doesnt flow with my name, but i would consider it.
Either way, id like our Future children to have a last name that my FH and I share.
Its tricky if youre hardcore feminist, but also into tradition. I feel im also for women equality, and tradition to an extent. I dont think the last name thing is too big of a deal though.
If you dont want to add it wihtout a hypehn to your maiden name.
If not, maybe consider what means most, if by taking on your FH last name you dont take offense or feel lie youre being subservient to a norm, then id go wiht taking on his last name. For the sake of unity and your kids as well.
Post # 3
justforkeeps : I love my last name, and its really long. I’m still hyphenating. My entire name will be 27 letters after marriage. I see so many people using both their maiden and married last names on social media, it seems normal to me now to have both. My fiancé is a Jr, so I jokingly add “Jr” at the end of my name when our friends and family ask me about the name change. I love the shocked reactions. 😊
Post # 4
Isn’t feminism about having a choice? If you choose to take his last name because you like the tradition, then do it. Don’t not do it because you don’t want people to question how big of a feminist you truly are.
If I were you I’d probably just add his last name, hyphenating can be annoying but I know people who hyphenate but don’t always sign both, or use one professionally, the other socially. It’s just legal documents that will have to have all of the names on, which shouldn’t be THAT annoying.
Post # 5
Have you considered double barreling? My full legal name is first middle Maiden married. No hyphen, basically 2 last names. I pick and choose when I want to use which, and honestly never had any issues in the years since I have double barreled.
Post # 6
I would probably take his last name, keep my middle name, and name my son my maiden name. Bam. You get all three.
Post # 7
justforkeeps : I think you need to think of this as purely your choice, as a true feminist. It’s not any more feminist to keep your maiden name, than it is to take your FI’s last name. After all, your maiden name is from your father, a man, so there’s nothing inherently feminist about keeping that either. You don’t have to prove yourself as having that ideology by foregoing tradition and not taking your future husband’s last name as your own. That’s the whole point. It’s about choice. And as your Fiance has even said he’s fine with whatever you do, so your choice of a supportive mate proves your feminist ideals more than anything.
If you want to keep your maiden name, then do it. If you want to take your FI’s name, go for it. If you want a brand new last name all your own (that sounds like a lot of hassle and paperwork! but…), that’s your right! Just don’t make a lifelong decision because you’re trying to meet some standard you’ve placed on the idea of feminism, because from your post, it sounds like you want to take your FI’s last name but you’re letting that idea stop you.
Post # 8
futuremrs2020 : agreed – feminism is about having the choice! I consider myself a feminist and I took my husband’s last name. I’m even a stickler and prefer to either be addressed socially as Ms. My Name or Mrs. His Name. I don’t care if it’s inconsistent or old-fashioned because it’s my name and my life.
Post # 9
Feminism is about your right to choose. Do not let feminism influence your decision.
For a long time, my husband and I planned to make our middle and last names the same. I was going to shift my last name over and take his (so going from Mary Sue Smith to Mary Smith Brown). And he would change his middle so he’s John Smith Brown. We planned to both go by all 3 names.
We ended up choosing a new last name as a couple. But we didn’t do that until we’d been married for over a year!! Bee, there is no rush here. I say you leave your name from now, and revisit it in 6 months or even 5 years.
Post # 10
justforkeeps : I’ve been through this. I strongly identified with my own legal name, as well as felt a deep family connection to that name. We are many years married, and I have chosen to keep it. I always knew that I would feel instant regret if I took my DH’s name, and that I had potentially many years to consider changing it to his name later (or some variation of his name). People are well aware of the fact that we are married, so I still hear myself being addressed by his last name — which I find endearing. He is also addressed by my last name at times. It has given me a “trial period” of learning what it would be like to respond to that name. Interestingly, I hated it! It is sweet as recognition, but I know it isn’t “my” name — and I’m not sure how else to explain that.
Until we have children, it doesn’t matter to us that we do not share a name. When we have children, they, and possibly he, will share my last name.
If you are torn, you have many years to change your name. In the US, it is not very expensive, even though it is a more complicated process. It was well worth it to me to discover what I truly wanted.
Post # 11
Are you me?! I’m currently in this loop of anxiety. I also HATE the argument that “well, you have a man’s name anyway” (no offense, knotyet, many many the argument) because my current last name is JUST as much my name as it is my father’s last name…we were both born with it, both have lived with it, both have gotten degrees with it. Why is it that men get to own their names, but women either “get” their name from their father or “take” their name from their husband?
Anyhow, I am getting married in August and have no idea. It’s so shallow, but my reasoning for wanting to tack FI’s name on the end of mine is because it’s so much cooler than mine. It’s french and distinctive, whereas I have a top-5 most common last name. I know I wouldn’t ever get rid of my name, but I go back and forth on whether to do First Middle MaidenLast1 HisLast2, or to make it easier on myself and do First Middle1 MaidenMiddle2 HisLast. I work in higher ed, so I can still use my “maiden” name as a double barreled name at work even if it’s a middle name, but I just don’t know.
Post # 12
I just want to say, it’s SO refreshing that your fi is open to giving children your name. Too many men take the hard stance of “my way (name) or the highway” which is unfair IMO.
As notmeeither : said, you have plenty of time to decide. Maybe keep your name for now, and if you feel a strong desire later to change it, go ahead and do it!
Post # 13
What irked me when I was in that situation was the assumption that it’s all on the woman to figure it out and the guy just gets to take a hard pass. It felt very uneven and nothing was pleasing to me because it was the lack of decision making on his part that was irking me. I ended up doing First Name Maiden Name His Last Name just as a way to keep a cohesive family unit because it is nice to have the same last name as our kids. Still rankles a bit. I like your idea about taking each others last names as middle names. It would be nice and mirrored.
Post # 14
I have a strong attachment to my maiden name as well. I already have a long name so I’m just gonna double-barrel it and tack hubby’s on to the string – no hyphen – just another name added to an already very long name.
Post # 15
It’s your choice and you can always revisit the topic if you don’t want to change it right away, like you could always change it right before having kids etc etc. Or never change it. There are no wrong decisions here. Whether you do or don’t it doesn’t make you any less of a feminist. Feminism gives you the power to choose.
my two cents are; I was always going to change my name, didn’t change it right away after getting married and then we bought a house and bottom line it will cost us $700+ to change my name on the title if we want (which I think is absurd). By the time I changed my name it was almost a year later (10months) and we left the title as is lol