(Closed) Name change options/opinions– what would you do?

posted 6 years ago in Traditions
Post # 2
Member
1452 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

Don’t have great advice- I think it’s up to the particular couple. For me, it never felt particularly feminist to hold onto my father’s name rather than taking my husbands name (no hate, please, just my feelings!).

That being said, fiance has a better last name than me! It really matters to him- he doesn’t push me to take it, but I know he would be thrilled. 

For me, the bigger concern is that I’m older. I have a professional career and licenses established in my name. I think for professional reasons, I would have to keep my name along with his (if I change it), but would not hyphenate.

Post # 4
Member
3383 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
NextMrsWeston:  My advice is to go with your gut and do what you want to do, because it’s your name after all. No one else gets to choose what you’ll do with your name. And don’t let the opinions of others be the determining factor in this, either. 

I personally am not changing my name, because I feel that it’s unfair that women are expected to change their identity for marriage. My name is a part of my identity. I don’t look down on women who do decide to change their name, but it’s just not something I will do (for multiple reasons)

Post # 5
Member
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

My last name is my mother’s maiden name, which is really hard to sound out phonetically.  So I’ve been correcting pronunciation and spelling of my name for 23 years, and I’m sick of it.  So I’m changing mine to FI’s name.  (Which is easy to guess how to pronounce!)

Post # 6
Member
3527 posts
Sugar bee

If he wants to change his name, why not? His name, his choice ๐Ÿ˜›

Seriously though, do what is the best for BOTH of you and don’t feel pressure to change it because its “easier”- its your marriage, your family, your decision. Don’t worry what others think. 

Post # 7
Member
3527 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
robsbeach:  “For me, it never felt particularly feminist to hold onto my father’s name rather than taking my husbands name (no hate, please, just my feelings!).”

I never understood this argument. It’s not just your fathers name- it’s YOUR name too. The one you’ve had for (presumably) at least two decades. Besides which, lots of people don’t have the same last name as their father. And of course, the feminist part isn’t about keeping your fathers name- it’s about the expectation that women need to do this and not men. Not picking or hating on you- just food for thought ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 8
Member
3080 posts
Sugar bee

I never changed my name and we married in the late 1970s. It just never made sense to me and there wasn’t a law to require it. Our children were given hyphenated last names His-Mine. We were referred to as XX and YY His a few weeks ago, by someone who knows I don’t use His, and I just gave them an incredulous look.

Post # 11
Member
2051 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

Massively stuck on the name change decision Too. Like you mentioned, I wasn’t getting married, our names cannot be meshed or hyphenated because it just doesn’t work, so the issue of one of us changing. The other thing is that my shortened name (that I go by everyday) doesn’t sound right with his surname and even though I’m 25 I’ve built a work reputation under my current name and I recently completed my masters in my maiden name. I feel like I’m losing a lot of my identity all in all. I know some people don’t think that your identity is tied up in your name but it does for me. Throw in that my partners surname is hard to spell and sounds quite rude so I’m really leaning to not wanting to take his name. He’s mentioned that he’d like me to take his but isn’t interested in taking mine. So I’ve asked him not to take my name but actually consider IF he changed his name what he’d have to go through (new signature, getting used to calling himself something else, new email signature at work, re-building his reputation and explaining his decision to everyone because no matter who changes their game someone will have an opinion about it).

I’ve given him a few weeks to think about this and then we’ll talk again, I still might not change my name but he’ll have a better understanding of why I didnt change my name and can support me in my decision. Maybe ask your partner to think about the implications, whatever they are for you including defending his decision if he changed his name. It’s a wonderfully sweet suggestion and if he fully understands the change and still wants to do it, why not? It’s nobody’s business really but when people ask (which they will), turn it around and say you weren’t going to go down the traditional route, you were both going to keep your surnames but your partner really wanted the same surname so he relented and went the traditional route ๐Ÿ˜‰

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by loz24.
Post # 13
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I seriously considered keeping my maiden as a second middle name, and taking my husband’s last name. That way you don’t give up anything, only gain. And you’ll still have the same last name as a family unit.

Post # 14
Member
1452 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

View original reply
ClaudiaKishi:  I see your point- I guess I never felt a greater attahment to my last name (my father’s last name) than my mother’s. She was an only child and died when I was young- it would have meant a lot to my grandparents to have their name continue, but when my parents were married that just wasn’t done- women took their husbands names.

I just think couples need to do what works for them. For some, it may be to hyphenate. For some, it means different last names. We know a couple who wanted to have all the same last name, so he changed his to her family name. I think there are as many options as there are different people!

Post # 15
Member
541 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

I think if you are feeling stress over this, the easiest thing would be for you both to keep your own name. I know a lot of people feel that having one name for the children is SO IMPORTANT, but I really don’t think it is. There are tons of families with different last names due to cultural norms, divorce, etc. I really don’t see why this is an issue anymore. If you feel strongly about keeping your name and you change it, I really think you will regret it. 

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