(Closed) Name Changing Emotions and feminist socieoconomic weirdness

posted 10 years ago in Names
  • poll: If married, have you changed your name yet?
    Yes. : (26 votes)
    36 %
    No, but I will soon, just working on the paperwork and getting to the DMV! : (15 votes)
    21 %
    No, I feel weird about it too...can't get to the DMV because of weirdness. : (9 votes)
    13 %
    No, and I won't do it either. : (22 votes)
    31 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    326 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    My fiance’ and I have been together almost 6 years, so I’ve been using his name on things for quite awhile! My email has his last name, and some of our friends use his last name when addressing me.

    You don’t HAVE to do it if you don’t want to! I know for legal purposes, it’s almost easier to just keep your maiden name (bank stuff, mail, etc.).

    No one but you has to live with this change, so do what makes you happy!

    Post # 4
    Member
    1509 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    I always thought that I would looking forward to taking my soon to be husband’s last name.  Not anymore.  It’s one thing to kind of imagine that in the future and write my name with a boy’s last name with it during class in high school, but it has become a whole different thing as an adult. 

    My Fiance expects me to change my last name. I plan to take his last name socially, but I’m not sure if I am ever actually going to legally change my last name (which he is unaware of).  It’s just weird to me. 

    Seeing as you have been working for 15 years, I totally empathize with your situation as well.  It’s just weird.  I think it would be different if I was 21 and just out of college getting married, but I’m not. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    1813 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I’m having very similar emotions.  I have been married almost 9 months and still haven’t changed my name, though I said I would (with keeping mine as a 2nd last name)…I still dread it, though, and I wish I could swallow a pill that made me feel differently.  I feel a little better in knowing my kids will also have my maiden name as their 2nd middle name.  If I could convince my hubby to do the same, I think I’d get over the rest, but right now I feel like “Why should I have to miss work to change my name, and he doesn’t have to do anything?”  I’ve even told him he should have to do the paperwork for me, LOL.

    On the flip side, my very liberal sister says “either way, it’s a man’s name”   I still think of this pretty often and think it is hilarious!  It is funny, that we are so attached to our dad’s name but not our mom’s name usually….  😉

    Post # 7
    Member
    246 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2009

    I’m not married yet, but we did just get our marriage license and in CA, you pretty much have to decide when you fill out the license. I never wanted to take a guy’s name but did consider making my last name a middle name and his name my last name (for future children). But in the end, decided to stick with my name. When we have kids, they’re going to have my last name as their middle name. Granted, they’ll probably still only go by his last name, but people will just have to deal with the fact that their mother has a different name! Oh, and my fiance actually doesn’t care at all – he’s fine with me keeping my name.

    Post # 8
    Member
    101 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: August 2009

    I don’t really like my last name and my husband’s last name is so nice and normal and never requires spelling.  Everyone always mispronounces my last name and when it is mispronounced it’s a word that is kind of embarrassing…the sort that an 8 year old would love to make fun of.  Also, his last name begins with the same letter as my name.  I was totally expecting to change my  name because of all this.  But when it came down to it, I couldn’t do it.  It suddenly seemed so strange to change my name…this is my name that I’ve used for over 30 years!  Also, it felt like I would be betraying some kind of feminist …something. 

    I kept my name.  And, man, was it ever the right decision for me!  I feel so good about it for some reason…really proud of myself.  Don’t get me wrong…I do not care what anyone else does with their name (it’s their name to do what they want with), it was just so right for me.

    I live in a very liberal area so people never give me any crap for it.  They don’t even blink an eye, in fact.

    I also felt better after talking to a co-worker who didn’t change her name.  She’s in her 50’s now and has twin daughters that are 10.  She said there is no issue with having a different name than them.  She has never had a problem.  I think it’s becoming more and more common, so it’s starting to be built into the system.

    Anyway, my advice to you is to imagine how you will feel after you get married.  Think of how you will feel saying that you changed your name vs. how you would feel saying that you didn’t.  For me, family solidarity has nothing to do with a name, but for you, it may be more important.

    Good luck with this tough decision!

    Post # 9
    Member
    672 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2009

    The name thing has made me feel very conflicted – it’s seriously been one of the toughest decisions for me with wedding planning. 

    What bothered me was the things you mentioned, but I felt mostly like marriage changes BOTH of us.  Why shouldn’t BOTH of ourn ames change?

    So they are 🙂  Luckily my Fiance is super liberal and was all gung-ho for our plan: my maiden as our middle,  his last as our last.  I get it both ways, and in MN you can use two last names so I’ll go by both of them all of the time, he’ll use his when we wants, but we’ll be the MyName-HisName household.  I was so happy about it.  Solidarity.

     

    Post # 10
    Member
    52 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: November 2009

    We’re doing the same thing! My current (maiden) name as the middle name for both of us, his current name as the last name for both of us.

    Post # 11
    Member
    376 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    The name thing made me feel so weirded out that I almost didn’t say yes. We’ve decided to be Mr. & Mrs. Mylast Hislast OR Hislast Mylast (not sure which yet). We’ll stay the same professionally.

    I really dislike how only the women change their names. If you’re okay with it, that’s one thing. But if you have to force yourself, so unfair.

    Post # 12
    Member
    69 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: January 2010

    It was a hard decision for me as well, I didn’t think it would be. I’m lucky to have

    a very liberal fiance. He didn’t require me to change my name to his last name.

     All along I’ve decided to keep mine but when we went to get our marriage

    license, I hypened his last name with mine.  In some way, it’s nice to see his

    name attached to mine.

    Post # 13
    Member
    1765 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    I want to change my name, but because I have a really common name, much like “John Smith.” It has messed up my bank accounts, medical records, school records–and I’m so ready to DUMP IT! I like my name, but for practical reasons, I need a name that doesn’t keep causing problems 🙂

    Post # 15
    Member
    298 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    I’m not changing mine. It may be my dad’s name, but the cycle needs to be broken somewhere. I told my Fiance I’d be happy to change my name, but I’d expect him to change his as well. He totally gets it, and we’re both keeping our names.

    Our kids will have both our names, hyphenated. I can understand wanting to share a name with your kid — I don’t like, however, that society assumes that the child’s name will inevitably be the father’s name.

    Post # 16
    Member
    2889 posts
    Sugar bee

    I’m changing my name. I have no problem with his, I have two brothers to keep the family name ongoing and it is important to him. I’ll have a bit of an issue professionally as I will have at least one publication, under my maiden name but I don’t think it will be such a big problem and I’ll be married before I finidh my PhD so that will be in my new name. I look at my mom and Iäm sure it was difficult at first but 27 years later,  she completely identifies with my dad’s last name as her own. I like my name and it has been good to be and I will cringe at the huge fall I’ll take in alphabetical listings but it’s not really a big deal to me to take his because I like his too. I think if he had a really hard to spell or pronounce name I would feel differently.

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