Post # 1
So my fiance’s name is John Michael Smith (changed for privacy).
I call him by his first name ‘John’ this is how he introduced himself to me.
But his family and old friends call him by his middle name “Michael”
It didn’t bother me so much when we were dating, but now that we are getting married it is causing some issues.
First, on our invitations he asked me to change his name so it said ‘Michael John Smith’ I did change it because it was early at the time, and it didn’t bother me. But now it is bothering me because I don’t understand why he thinks it is ok to just interchange his first and middle name. If we had kept it as “John Michael Smith” it would have been correct and both names would be there.
It upsets me because if he was more comfortable with the name “Michael” I wish he had introduced himself as Michael to me. The name “Michael” is almost foreign to me, when I look at him I think ‘John’ not ‘Michael’
Now there are more things we are ordering with our names on it and we’re having the same issue of what name to use for him. He always wants his middle name first but I don’t want it to be that way. Not because I want the name I call him to be first, I just want it to be correct, and if his name is written correctly, it should be “John Michael Smith”
I’ve already made it clear that I’m not calling him Michael when we say our vows to each other and he agreed. But with everything else, other than saying “It’s just wrong” I don’t know how to explain to him that if there is anything with his name on it I want it to say “John Michael”
The other solution is that I just order everything without asking him and put “John Michael”
My Mom says it’s bothering me because I’m stressed with wedding planning.
Am I making too big of a deal out of this?
Post # 2
It’s his name. Let him choose.
Post # 3
Yes, you’re making a big deal. If he wants things to be Michael John and not John Michael, that’s not really your decision.
Post # 4
I get it’s a bit odd, but just go with what he wants. Try not to let it bother you.
Post # 5
phoenix038 : his name his choice. He’s not asking you to call him by anything but what you’re comfortable with, just that his name be listed how he likes it.
I can’t imagine this being something you’d argue over–like, just put it how he wants it. As long as the people receiving the invitations will know that it’s him, I see no reason why you should waste any more time being upset over it.
Post # 6
Both my husband and I have our ‘real’ names and nicknames that we are both known by with different people. We had this dilemma. We went with our real names for invites. Our celebrant said both in her ceremony intro and we used the names we call each other in our vows. For some fun bit like little notes or sweetie bags or whatever we used or nicknames. It all worked fine.
Post # 7
Do you have something against the name John? When you first got together he probably didn’t know where you’d end up. Also, didn’t it occur to ask him if he preferred you call him John instead of Michael when others do?
It’s his name I say compromise and do what he wants. If you felt more comfortable with another name you’d want your Fiance to call you what you felt more comfortable with.
Post # 8
It’s his name so 100% his decision how he wants it to appear. Are there other issues at play here that are making this such a sensitive issue for you, because on the surface I don’t understand why this would bother you? Do you feel like you’re competing with his family for his affection or something?
It is, after all, HIS name…even if he told you today “I want to change my name to Bob,” I would feel like you should support him in that.
Post # 9
Yes, its his name, he gets to pick how it looks and flows.
Post # 10
Hmmmm. So we usually have this dilemma as well except I’m the one with the multiple ‘names.’
Lets pretend my name is Pollyanna. Almost everyone I know calls me Polly. My husband calls me Anna. I introduced myself as Anna (I was going thru some shit and honestly I thought he was someone I’d meet and never see again so I saw no harm in switching it up a bit).
In my vows I said ‘I, Pollyanna…’ Our marriage announcements say ‘Pollyanna.’ Every single piece of id i have say ‘Pollyanna.’
If my husband ever said he wanted to throw me a party and the invitations would say ‘Anna’ I’d consider the crowd. Do most of them now know me as Anna? Cuz…yeah, all of his ‘side’ (family and friends) know me as ‘Anna.’ It’s understandable too, when he talks to them about me he says ‘Anna and I,’ or ‘Anna this’ and ‘Anna that.’ So everyone thinks of me as ‘Anna.’
Me? I don’t really mind. It used to be that ‘Anna’ was “the special name that only my SO calls me by.” Some people say ‘my love,’ others ‘pumpkin’, yet others ‘my little pookie’, eh…whatever, I used to be just ‘Anna’ with him. Thru the years ‘Anna’ has become part of my identity too.
But…I choose hon. I choose how to introduce myself and what to call myself. So I say if your Fiance wants his stuff to say Michael John…that’s him. That’s how he sees himself. ‘John’ is your special name for him, but it doesn’t necessarily reflect his ‘public name.’
Post # 11
Start calling him Michael. Seriously, in the beginning it might feel weird, but soon it won’t and you’ll get used to it. I used to speak in one language to my ex boyfriend, and one day we switched to another (his native) language. In the beginning it was super weird, but after a few weeks it wasnt weird at all. It’s his choice, you need to deal with it and you’re making too much of a big deal out of it.
Post # 12
His name, his choice. Sorry, but this is one area you don’t get a say in. He clearly is fine with both or he would have introduced himself differently or corrected you. He is allowed to be perfectly fine with both and have a preference for an order he never got to pick himself and was dictated to him by his parents. I have lots of friends who go by middle names or nicknames that are completely unrelated to their given name socially (especially with their family if it is a common or family name) and other names in other contexts and they are equally fine being called either. You are greatly overthinking this and internalizing it to be personal to you when it isn’t your name to decide. You can call him a completely unrelated third name as long as he’s agreeable to it. Let this go. You keep calling him what you want as long as he likes it. They keep calling him what they want. And he gets to decide how his own name appears.
Post # 13
UK-bee : Thank you for your response. Great idea!
Post # 14
Eh, I might be the only one but i am with you on this.
Post # 15
Lots of people grew up with nicknames that their family gave them when they were young that they don’t use as an adult. If all of his family know him by his childhood name & that’s who he’s inviting to the wedding, I totally see where his comfort would be with using his childhood name.
What do his adult acquired friends and co-workers call him?