Post # 1
Let me start off by saying please forgive me for my horrid placement of commas and all other editorial mistakes. 😛
Mr. Shagroomski and I are 2 months and 5 days from our wedding. It has been a lot of hard work not just planning for the wedding, but paying for it as well. We both work two jobs and when we’re not working we’re trying to come together for decisions about the wedding. There are things we have disagreed on. Big things. Generally speaking we’re a very good team and great at making compromises. That being said, there are some things I am compromsing on and I really, really don’t want to.
The first, and biggest, compromise is the taking of his last name. Mr. Shagroomski is very proud of his last name- as am I of mine. I’m not really sure why I’m proud of my last name. There is no shining moment where I’m “that’s right I’m a ____!!” I dont’ mean to sound rude, but my parents did not make the last name proud, but I always have. It’s also my identity. Furthermore I LIKE my last name. I don’t love his last name. I have other issues with his last name too. One is that his name comes from his grandfather (his father was adopted so the reason they have that last name is because of the grandfather) who is in a nursing home and no one visits him. Why would I take a last name that no one takes care of? My family isnt’ perfect, but we take care of each other at least.
His last name is not who I am or how I identify myself. There are very few things I have in common with his family and now I have to take their name? By taking their name there are things that will be assumed about me. I’m not sure I’m ready for that. It’s my last name to be identified by, shouldn’t I be happy with it? Shouldn’t it be my choice? I understand that in our society the woman takes the mans name (traditionally anyway) but why is my last name any less important? It’s not – screw society.
It’s easy for me to say screw society, but not screw the fiance. My friend said it best: You not taking his name is like saying you don’t want people to know you’re his. This could not be further from the truth, but I can see why people would see it that way. In a fight about this topic with Mr. Shagroomski he said to me “why are you even marrying me if you don’t want my last name.” Ouch. Clearly it’s important to him. Maybe more imporant to him than me fighting the “I’m independent!” fight. As someone who is so in love with him, I guess I’ll have to fall in love with his last name as well. This was no easy decision for me, but I have to go with what will make him not grit his teeth everytime he hears me addressed. Also, I don’t want him to resent me secretly, or openly, about this for forever. Taking his last name will be a serious adjustment for me. I certainly hope he appreciates my leap for him. In my own tiny compromise I have decided to have my last name be my second middle name, that way I still feel like I’m keeping me. Wish me luck!
Post # 3
I hate when I read a post like this. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.
OP, please don’t take the above rant personally, what I mean is that I hate seeing woman after woman on this forum go “oh I have really strong feelings about not changing my name but I guess I’m going to do it because (here insert no reason at all except they feel pressured)” I am always amazed at the mental gymnastics that go into justifying doing something you a) don’t want to do and b) is no one’s decision but yours.
Your girlfriend is ridiculous, by the way. You’re ashamed to be his? Is this 1830? If you’re “his” then I am assuming he is also “yours”, so that takes the bite out of that argument. Would you ever tell him “by not assuming my name you’re saying you’re ashamed to be mine”? Probably not, because your Fiance would look at you like you were insane. And you should give the same reaction to anyone who tells YOU that. I mean, honestly, what a crock.
Why doesn’t it matter if YOU grit your teeth when you hear how you’re addressed? Your Fiance should care about your feelings. Lots of men assume their someday wife will take their name, so I’ll give him a pass on being confused and frustrated. But if that is not your wish, he needs to respect that and get over himself. Does he want to marry just any random woman who will take his name or does he want to marry you? I am betting the answer is you. And part of you is your name, and your independence.
Please, please value yourself and your opinions, thoughts and feelings more highly than this. This post makes me so sad. It is my view that you should only take your husband’s last name if you’re really, truly into it – not because you’re gritting your teeth and going with it OR because it’s a ‘compromise’. All you’re really compromising is yourself when you let your Fiance override your wishes for something so personal as your NAME. That’s not something you should let someone choose for you.
Choosing a home, decorating your bedroom, choosing an insurance policy, parenting…these are built on compromise. How you personally refer to yourself is not on the same level. It is not a mutual decision.
Post # 4
@Jillbean: I really agree.
I was going to completely keep my maiden name, but the only thing that changed my mind was the idea that my children someday wouldn’t have the same name as me. SO told me that of course he would love for me to take his name, but it was my decision and he would fully support whatever I decided to do.
In the end, I decided to hyphenate my name and continue to go by my maiden name professionally because I have already established myself in the workplace.
I’m really happy with my decision because I’ll have a link to my family unit when we have kids, but I’m also holding on to my sense of identity.
I think it’s really important that you go with what YOU want to do. If you take his last name when your heart tells you not to, you’re going to be really resentful every time you sign your name. How sad is that?
You sound like you have really thought this out and adamantly don’t want his name. Don’t take it if that’s how you feel; your friend is completely wrong on this one.
Post # 5
I’m sorry, your friend is full of shit. Moving on.
Before you make this decision, can you talk to your fiance about WHY he feels so strongly? What does it symbolize to him? Why does he need for you to do something that doesn’t affect him IN THE SLIGHTEST but makes you unhappy? It makes me really angry when men guilt trip their wives into taking their name when the wife isn’t happy about it, because they’re asking her to make a huge sacrifice that they won’t consider making themselves.
“why are you even marrying me if you don’t want my last name.” “Because I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. What does that have to do with your name?”