(Closed) Name Decisions

posted 7 years ago in Names
Post # 3
Member
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I hate when I read a post like this. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. 

OP, please don’t take the above rant personally, what I mean is that I hate seeing woman after woman on this forum go “oh I have really strong feelings about not changing my name but I guess I’m going to do it because (here insert no reason at all except they feel pressured)” I am always amazed at the mental gymnastics that go into justifying doing something you a) don’t want to do and b) is no one’s decision but yours. 

Your girlfriend is ridiculous, by the way. You’re ashamed to be his? Is this 1830? If you’re “his” then I am assuming he is also “yours”, so that takes the bite out of that argument. Would you ever tell him “by not assuming my name you’re saying you’re ashamed to be mine”? Probably not, because your Fiance would look at you like you were insane. And you should give the same reaction to anyone who tells YOU that. I mean, honestly, what a crock. 

Why doesn’t it matter if YOU grit your teeth when you hear how you’re addressed? Your Fiance should care about your feelings. Lots of men assume their someday wife will take their name, so I’ll give him a pass on being confused and frustrated. But if that is not your wish, he needs to respect that and get over himself. Does he want to marry just any random woman who will take his name or does he want to marry you? I am betting the answer is you. And part of you is your name, and your independence. 

Please, please value yourself and your opinions, thoughts and feelings more highly than this. This post makes me so sad. It is my view that you should only take your husband’s last name if you’re really, truly into it – not because you’re gritting your teeth and going with it OR because it’s a ‘compromise’. All you’re really compromising is yourself when you let your Fiance override your wishes for something so personal as your NAME. That’s not something you should let someone choose for you. 

Choosing a home, decorating your bedroom, choosing an insurance policy, parenting…these are built on compromise. How you personally refer to yourself is not on the same level. It is not a mutual decision. 

Post # 4
Member
3255 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@Jillbean: I really agree.

I was going to completely keep my maiden name, but the only thing that changed my mind was the idea that my children someday wouldn’t have the same name as me. SO told me that of course he would love for me to take his name, but it was my decision and he would fully support whatever I decided to do.

In the end, I decided to hyphenate my name and continue to go by my maiden name professionally because I have already established myself in the workplace. 

I’m really happy with my decision because I’ll have a link to my family unit when we have kids, but I’m also holding on to my sense of identity.

I think it’s really important that you go with what YOU want to do. If you take his last name when your heart tells you not to, you’re going to be really resentful every time you sign your name. How sad is that?

You sound like you have really thought this out and adamantly don’t want his name. Don’t take it if that’s how you feel; your friend is completely wrong on this one.

Post # 5
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m sorry, your friend is full of shit. Moving on.

Before you make this decision, can you talk to your fiance about WHY he feels so strongly? What does it symbolize to him? Why does he need for you to do something that doesn’t affect him IN THE SLIGHTEST but makes you unhappy? It makes me really angry when men guilt trip their wives into taking their name when the wife isn’t happy about it, because they’re asking her to make a huge sacrifice that they won’t consider making themselves.

“why are you even marrying me if you don’t want my last name.” “Because I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. What does that have to do with your name?”

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