- 3 years ago
Okay, so to start off I’ll start by saying I knew what I was getting into before we got engaged, but it’s just getting worse and worse. I won’t call off the engagement or the marriage, but I’d like some advice on how to deal with it for the rest of my life.
Have you ever seen the movie Monster in Law? It’s like that.
I’ll start from the beginning because this small issue the size of a snowflake turns into a snowball over the years.
My Mother-In-Law was actually the one who set my now fiancé and I up. I was a year shy of graduating high school when I moved into a new town with my father and his new wife (my step mom). While I knew of the town and frequently visited there,(it was close to my hometown) I went to a different HS so never interacted with the kids there. It was summer time and all I did was go to my part time summer job as a waitress all day and then come home and hang out with my parents. While they enjoyed the company both my father and step mom were worried about me making new friends and well, being a teenager. (I always behaved a few years ahead of my age, so to them I didn’t act like a typical wild teen). My now Mother-In-Law is/was actually best friends with my step mom, and my step mom would talk about me to her all the time. One evening I came home from work and my future Mother-In-Law was sitting in the living room with my step mom, just having girl time. They invited me to join them and my step mom introduced us and started talking me up. She gave her the shpeal about how I was new to town and didn’t know too many people, and my future Mother-In-Law immediately perks up and goes “Oh! You should meet my son. He’s about your age and it’d be good for him to meet a nice girl. He could show you around town!”. My intial thought was “Weird….what kind of guy needs his mother to set him up?” My fiancé and I now both joke about this because if it weren’t for her we wouldn’t of ever met. So I find him on Facebook and we hang out a couple of times, he takes me out for coffee, etc. We obviously start crushing on each other and within a few weeks we start dating. His mom was all for us getting together, but then when we started dating, she started getting weirdly jealous. She would be upset that her son was spending more time with me than her, which I understand to a degree, you don’t want to see your kids grow up and I’m sure as a mother you get defensive about the girls your son is going out with. But it goes beyond this. It started with nagging how he’s always out with me and never spends time with her anymore (they use to have a lot of mother/son bonding because he too wasn’t the kind of teenage guy who went out a lot, and his family came first to him.) She would go back and forth with adoring me and thinking I was a witch stealing her son from her. She would go from inviting me to family outings, to passively agressively getting upset with how much I was hanging around (ironically, his mom’s house was five minutes down the road from my dad’s place so we’d see each other as often as we could). I first met his extended family (aunts, uncles) at his younger brother’s baseball game, and she was more than proud to show me off as her son’s new girlfriend. But then she’d get upset about not being in the spotlight. (???!) His aunt wanted to get a picture of us together, and immediately after we got our photo together, she wanted one with him. She would clearly be upset if I was the topic of conversation rather than her. I noticed these minor things but just tuned her out.
It starts going up and down from there. If he got me flowers she’d say how sweet of a gesture it was of him, but then wonder where hers were. If he and I went out to dinner she’d ask him when he’s going to take her out to a nice place. If he showed any affection to me she wanted some from him (example: he gives me a hug, she goes in for an even longer one. He gives me a kiss, SHE wants one). Anything her son showed or gave to me she wanted a bigger, nicer version of. It was like she started treating her own son like her boyfriend. (BTW, she’s divorced and been living with her new SO for 8 years. He’s not much of a romantic, so I assumed she was jealous of our relationship). She starts comparing the relationship her son and I have to her own and clearly is not satisifed with what she’s getting out of hers. She’s the kind of person that needs to have the best of everyone, and with an already dysfunctional relationship, I shouldn’t of been surpised when she started getting jealous of our classic teenage love story.
Then, she starts passively competing with me. (Let me emphasize the huge age gap between us.) She doesn’t wear makeup, but all of the sudden starts asking me about my products and wants me to help her do her makeup. (Let me chime in that I haven’t been nothing but nice and respectful to her and let her behavior go out of respect, I’ve never had any quarrel with her.) Well, her doing her makeup doesn’t last long for whatever reason, so she starts trying to convince me to go without mine. At that time in my life I was pretty insecure about my bare face, and she was aware of this because she’d hear my fiancé tell me I don’t need any to look pretty, and my response to him would be that I don’t feel pretty without it. She also starts giving me back handed compliments about how I always look “done up”. (My “done up” appearance is a cultural thing, woman are expected to always look well groomed, presentable, prim and proper, pretty, etc. and that’s just how I was raised. I don’t usually think it’s over the top but compared to the locals in my small country culture town my mother and I always look like we’re ready for formal event. Also, I’m a teenage girl, having my makeup done whenever I leave the house is just a typical thing.) I can’t think of exaclty what she says right now, but she’ll comment on how I look masking it with a compliment but her true intention is to make me feel over dressed and bad about myself. She forms her “compliments” like a high school mean girl so the victim reads between the lines while everyone else thinks she’s being nice. Our styles are completely opposite. She is very bohemian hippie and I’m much more sexy chic, so of course if you compare us (like she does in her mind) you’re going to find mine more attractive. But that’s because again, I’m a young girl and she’s a grown ass woman with three grown men as sons.
Another time I was over at her house with her son and she just got news that a girl my fiancé and his family knew through church just had a baby. She was so excited and started talking this girl up like crazy, and that’s when the blatant -I don’t like you- came out. She said “Remember this girl, (FI’s name)? Oh, you guys used to have playdates together when you were younger, you two were always so cute. How cute would it be if you and HER had this baby?! You’d be such a good dad and you two would be such a cute couple! Can you imagine if you two dated?” This was all right in front of my face because I was standing RIGHT NEXT to my fiancé (boyfriend at the time).
She is the kind of person that wants what other people have, but never at her own expense. In our town we have this local boutique with high end, expensive clothing. One day my step mother wanted to stop in and shop for herself while bringing me home from school so I joined her. I ended up splurging on this long, fluffy, soft, faux fur white cardigan I fell in love with and treated it as a birthday present to me. My step mother adored it too, and she warned me “Don’t let (your MIL) get a hold of that!”. I was shocked at her comment because while I knew my Mother-In-Law was a bit of a mean girl I was confused on my step mom’s comment and asked her to explain. She told me how my Mother-In-Law and her have been friends since high school and everytime my Mother-In-Law saw my step mom with something she wanted she’d try to steal it or “borrow it” and never return it. She said that his behavior followed her into adult hood, and how one day my Mother-In-Law was over at my STM’s house literally rummaging through her closet, guilt tripping, begging, and even saying “it’d look nicer on me than you” to get whatever she wanted out of my STM’s closet. (My STM is well off and has a lot of designer hand bags and nice expensive things, while my Mother-In-Law is less fortunate and cheap with her own money, but still wants nice things.) She tells me “Do you know that orange gucci bag you always see (your MIL) with? That’s my purse. She came over to the house and I had given her a few things I don’t wear anymore, and she was saying how she doesn’t have a bag to carry any of it home in. So I gave her a plastic shopping bag and she was practically mortified saying how she can’t be seen with this, and then insisted that she ‘borrow’ my orange purse just to carry stuff home in. That was three years ago!” To this day my Mother-In-Law still has her bag. I asked my STM why she just doesn’t demand for the bag back, my STM said she has, but my Mother-In-Law is not the type of woman you want to corner and my STM rather not expierence my MIL’s retaliation over some silly bag. (If it was my bag, I would of lost it on her, but like I said my STM is well off so one designer bag doesn’t mean much to her). WELL, just a few days later my Mother-In-Law is over at my SM’s house again. My fiancé and I come back early in the evening from grabbing a bite in town, and I’m wearing my new sweater. My Mother-In-Law is oggling it and my STM just gives a look from across the room. She comments on it, “ooohh that’s a nice sweater!” I say thank you, trying to avoid the subject. My STM, who likes to rattle my Mother-In-Law for fun, tells her it’s from the local boutique. Her jaw drops, saying how it must of been so expensive. I say “yes, but I bought it with my summer earnings and am treating it as an early birthday present to myself, so I just won’t buy anything for my birthday” trying to diffuse the situation and avoid the impression that I’m showing off my wealth. (Because at that time I was literally just a senior in HS, and not a trust fund baby). A few minutes later she decides its getting late and she should go home, and asks her son to walk her home. I join them, because my fiancé and I still intend to be out for a bit longer. When we get to the door, she goes “Wait! It’s chilly outside, I need a sweater…” and looks at the boutique one I’m wearing. I can just imagine my STM’s face from the living room when she hears that. I’m in shock that she actually pulled that because I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, but collect myself and then offer to go get her one of mine, obviously one that I won’t miss because I’ll never see it again! I run to my room and come back with a tan knit cardigan that I like to believe suites her boho style, but she goes “Mm nooo, that won’t do”. My fiancé at this point is annoyed and clueless and just takes off his sweatshirt and tells her she can have his. Realizing I won’t take mine off for her, she goes “fine.” As we’re walking, my fi and I hold hands, and she grabs his arm and cuddles up her head into his shoulder like she’s the girlfriend. I just keep holding his hand and stay silent, because I’m not going to play the attention game with her own son. Then she goes “Ohh, isn’t this nice? You and your two ladies. One in a nice sweater….the other in some old hoodie.” I bite my tongue, and my fiancé just goes “uuuh…yep.” He brushes the situation off as “weird” and says he doesn’t know why she was acting like that. I don’t dare voice my opinion on what I think of his mother because that is his mother, so I just keep my mouth shut.
Like I said before my fiancé is very family orieanted and is blessed that his relatives live close by, so we often go to family related events – dinners, birthdays, holidays, etc. Now, another cultural thing is that when meeting the family the woman should always look her best because she is not only representing herself to the future in-laws but also her family and her household. (My culture back home still practices dowry, picking the bride up from her parents home to bring her to her future husband’s home, etc. While my family has Americanized some roots still hold.) So whenever we go out there, mostly to her mother’s house, I look my best. From my hair being done to my makeup to my outfit. It’s her childhood home and her mother’s house so she always dresses comfortable and casual and doesn’t get herself done up. Well, every time I meet up with my fiancé and his family to drive out there, there’s always a split second where she looks me up and down and looks mortified and jealous – and has no time to “one up” me because we have to leave. It’s always a “Oh,hm… don’t you look nice…”. As the new girl in my fiancé’s life I’m usually the center of attention/main talk when we are around extended family, which is expected, is it not? They want to get to know more about me. Everytime this happens this clearly gets under her skin and she tries to bring the attention back to herself. Which is fine by me, I’m not the type of woman that adores attention, I just politely engage in conversation with the family and try to make my own family which I’m representing proud by behaving like a lady.
It got to such a point where she was tired of me taking the spotlight away from her that she purposely left me out of Thanksgiving with the family. She’s attempted to do this before where she gives me the wrong time for an event on purpose to leave me out or embarrass me. For my fiancé’s birthday dinner at a local restaurant for example, she told me to be there around seven and when I showed up everyone was there already and waiting on me. Luckily for me my fiancé was ALSO running late and didn’t show up for another half hour. I’ll add that in celebrating his birthday I may have struck a cord with her by accident – she had gotten him one expensive gift and I had shown up with a handful of presents for him and all she said was “…WOW.” My intention was entirely genuine and I just wanted to spoil my then BF/now fiancé, not outshine her. Anyway, my relationship at this point is about seven months old, he’s met my parents, I’ve met his and his extended family (all my family members besides my parents and sister are back home in Europe) and he and the rest of the family expect to see me there. (It may sound fast moving/serious for some, but my culture doesn’t date, we “court”, so when a young woman begins seeing a boy it’s seen as a serious relationship in hopes of marriage). I totally expected her to pull the same thing she’s done before so I kept asking my fiancé what time we had to leave Thanksgiving morning, and he kept saying he doesn’t know, and whenever he asked his mother she said she hadn’t heard anything from grandma yet. I had already spoken to my fiancé numerous times about how his mother was passive agressive to me and he didn’t believe me, and when I expressed my concern that she was leaving him out of the loop and playing dumb because she didn’t want me there, he told me his mother wouldn’t do that and that I needed to let it go. To spare a fight, I convinced myself I was being crazy. I was totally right though, because Thanksgiving morning I get awoken with calls from my fiancé about how mom just woke him up and that they need to leave immediately because everyone else is at grandma’s and they’re waiting on us. So her attempt had given me two options: (1. Go to Thanksgiving looking like I just jumped out of bed and pulled something on (2. Not attend. I was so furious with her and my fiancé for not having more of an effort to give me any notice that I just decided not to go. This later caused an argument with my fiancé and I about his mother’s behavior, and when he confronted her about it, she played victim and acted completely innocent. And at this point, I even thought that this was her attempt to break us off because she was CLEARLY unhappy about having me in the picture. (Even though she was the one that introduced us!).
When Christmas came around, her excuse as fas as not having a gift for me was she didn’t “expect me to be there”. I didn’t really care about the gifts, I just wanted to spend time with my fiancé because it was important for him for me to spend the holidays with him. Her excuse was complete nonsense anyway, because my family is a completely different religion and don’t celebrate Christmas, or have any holidays during Christmas time. I told her “Oh no, it’s alright, don’t worry about it. I got lots of gifts from (my FIL) and his side of the family already” (His folks are divorced too, so we celebrate with his father’s side in the morning and his mother’s side in the afternoon). She was clearly shaken by that comment and then pulled me aside later that evening saying how she doesn’t want me to think that the other side of the family loves or adores me more than hers. (Her ex husband is long over the divorce, but she’s still bitter and not over him, and is in constant competition trying to one up his side with their sons and girlfriends. So she went from wanting me out of the picture entirely to pretending to adore me if it meant that it made her look better than her ex.)
At this point, after her catty behavior, passive agressive comments, leaving me out, the Thanksgiving scenario, I avoided the hell out of her. I stopped going out of my way to be kind and warm to her and just became cordial. She’s very receptive to minor shifts in tone, looks, etc. because that’s how she dishes out her jabs, so she knew I saw through her and was not having any of her bull—- anymore. My fiancé and I stopped spending time together at her house, I waited outside if he had to go home to get something and she was there, we stopped visting her at work when we passed by, etc. She avoided me for a long time too, until not seeing her son as often as she did because he was with me started to eat at her. One day she then confronted me and put it all out in the air. She said something along the lines of “I’m sorry if you feel like I’ve been -insert description of poor behavior here- to you… I just, I guess I was having a hard time not ‘being the queen’ in my son’s eyes anymore”. (The queen comment were her exact words). I accepted her apology, thinking it was genuine, but in the back of my mind still kept my guard up. My STM had warned me about her before, explaining to be that she’s a classic narcissist, very self centered, great at manipulating the situation and those around her, etc. but I thought my STM and her just had a catty friendship. I learned my lesson though, and got the big “I told you so” from my STM. She has reassured me I’m not crazy because how my Mother-In-Law has behaved towards me she has towards my fiancé’s ex girlfriends as well as other girls in her other sons lives. Eventually my own fiancé put two and two together and realized that her behavior is rude and innapropriate, and that she probably had driven other girls away (that one may have been a bonus for me, but come on!). However, the entire family just accepts that she acts like a selfish child and sweeps any outburts under the rug and lets her get her way. No one has ever confronted her because she bullies, lies, and manipulates everyone and the family rather avoid the conflict and just let her have her way.
Remember what I said about one uping everyone and needing the bigger better thing? Well, when it came time for me to go off to college, my fiancé and I had been going strong for two years. We had no intention of breaking up and were deadset about doing long distance. (The year I originally met him he was going to join the military within a few months of us dating, but he postponed signing up until I graduated HS so we could cherish time together and be on the same track). So a year before we went our separate paths my fiancé got me a promise ring. It was a 1.50 three stone round CZ ring in sterling silver, it looked like an engagement ring, and it pissed her off. Like I mentioned before, her own relationship was not nearly as healthy and romantic as ours and she definitely tried to live vicariously through ours. She steamed over it for a few weeks until she obviously couldn’t take it anymore and came home from work one night and according to my fiancé who was home at the time, blew up on her SO of 8 years. She threw a tantrum on how it’s been 8 years and she’s tired of waiting and how he needs to propose already. I don’t know the details but they fought about it that night according to my fiancé. Well, she wound up getting her way, because that weekend she made her SO drive her up to the city (an hour away) to go and visit the jewelers where she picked out her engagement ring. Now, I’m not trying to bash anyone with small or nontradtional rings, I think a ring should represent the love of the relationship and mean something and that’s that. But my Mother-In-Law is a materialistic woman and clearly was gunning for a big fat diamond. Her SO is cheap (everyone knows and says so, from her, to his family, to his friends) and clearly had her on a budget, because she wound up with a 3/4ct cluster princess shaped diamond ring in platinum. ( We later found out she expected an upgrade, because her SO’s mother is a wealthy old woman, and my Mother-In-Law was under the impression that her SO’s mother “has a drawer full of vintage diamonds that she’ll let me choose from when we get married” ). Even though they had already picked the ring out, she told her SO that he must surprise her with a proposal. On facebook she made it seem like it was this huge surprise and that she never even mentioned or hinted at engagement and that it was all his idea. I only know this because my Mother-In-Law spills all her beans to my STM, who then likes to inform me on the kind of crazy I’m going to be dealing with.
She planned the fastest wedding in history, and pissed her SIL off too. They got engaged that new year and threw together a wedding on her mother’s property out in the woods in the summer. Her SIL had a wedding set that summer too, a month after hers, and her SIL confronted her on how she felt like my Mother-In-Law purposely set her wedding before hers. (After watching Bridezillas, witnessing my Mother-In-Law, and her SIL, I see that weddings cause a huge amount of tension, yikes!). My Mother-In-Law told her she was being crazy and selfish and that they just wanted to get married as fast as possible (so her SO’s mother would accept her into the family and in her mind lavish her with her choice of jewels…Didn’t work though).
The marriage is rocky but those details don’t matter. Later that same year I left for college in the fall, and my fiance was set to leave for bootcamp the following winter. He had worked since he was 14 and had a good amount of savings, actually thanks to his Mother-In-Law nagging him to save most of his earnings while he was a working teen. He also spent the last two summers working construction with his father and earned well. A few months after I settled into my school he flew out to see me and spent a week with me, taking me out on the town and enjoying our time together and his last bit of freedom before basic. He took me out to a high end restaurant in the city near my college and proposed, having the waitress catch it all on camera. ( I went to the bathroom after dinner, and when I came back the waitress was holding his phone. She said he told her he wanted her to get a picture of us together, so we posed and then he dropt to one knee, gave a speech and proposed!). Immediately after making the announcement on FB, the first message my Mother-In-Law sent my fiancé was “How much was -my name-‘s ring????”. He refused to tell her because at this point he knew it was going to be a big deal, and I had told him that the cost was none of my business let alone hers or anyone esles for that matter. She didn’t stop and continued to pester him, but he stayed solid, and she even told him how much hers was in hopes he’d dish out the cost so she could compare. My ring is 1.50ct (originally I had posted on another thread thinking it was 2ct due to it’s face width, but after checking with my Fiance he corrected me, sorry for the false info ladies!) diamond in 18k yellow gold. When I went home for the holidays she had my fiancé and I over for dinner and the first thing she did was grab my hand and examine the ring. She goes “Oh, it’s SO gold!” and then turns to my fiancé, still while holding my hand “What kind of gemstone is that?”. I’m offended and he’s baffled. He goes “what do you mean? It’s a diamond.” And she goes “Oh.” with a tone as if she’s offended! As if she hasn’t been rude enough she wiggles the ring right off my finger and tries it on for herself, walks around the kitchen with her hand extended, tilting her head this way and that and then returns it to me without a word.
While I was home THIS summer, I was visiting my Father-In-Law and was helping him run some errands in town. He couldn’t drive at the time so I was giving him a ride and I guess she had seen us. I work with a friend of hers and she told me how my Mother-In-Law made a comment to her a few days prior about how I was driving my Father-In-Law around. She said my Mother-In-Law was upset about it and her friend asked “Why? She’s just helping her future father in law out.” My MIL’s response to that was “Oh, I don’t think so. I know what that little blonde wh*** is up to.” Her friend was just as shocked as I was, and I exclaimed “WTF?!” to my coworker when she told me that. My Mother-In-Law was very promiscuous when she was my age and according to the town grape vine she still is. I told my STM about this and she told me “it’s because she would do it so she thinks you are. She’s projecting”. After reading all about narcissists (my Mother-In-Law defintely is one) I heard that they often project their negative behaviors onto others. Like I said before, she is also not over her ex husband even though she remarried, so I’m assuming she thinks I’m trying to sleep around with her ex husband, my own father in law!
Here are some traits of a narc Mother-In-Law I found, she shoe fits her for ALL of these and more. I double starred the ones I encounter most:
- **She is always right, without exception. Which means that she’s never wrong. She’ll never admit being wrong, and she will never apologize for anything. That would surely cause the collapse of the Western civilization and contradict the premise that she’s always right. In her eyes, you (and possibly your spouse) are the only one to blame.
- She is dismissive. She will ignore you for the most part, conveying that you don’t matter to her. She will not listen to a word you say. She’ll ask you if you’re hungry, hear “no,” and still put food on your plate. She’ll also disregard any of your accomplishments as insignificant and unworthy of her attention. Only things that have value to her are important.
- **She makes it clear she doesn’t like you. She will communicate to you, in a thousand subtle ways, that you are not good enough for her son or for her family. She will not say it to your face, no, but you will hear the message loud and clear. Depending on your self-esteem, you will either feel devastated or slightly amused.
- **She expects complete subservience. To establish her dominance, she will expect you to please her. That would include adopting her opinions, religion, culture, appearing at every family event, learning her ways of cooking, cleaning and just about everything else under the sun (because her way is clearly better), and, last but not least, giving her grandchildren. If you fail to do any of that, you are indeed a rotten daughter-in-law, and she has a right to complain about you to anyone who’ll listen.
- She has control issues. If she can’t get you to respect her authority, she’ll tighten the reins on her son, her other kids, her grandchildren, and as many friends and family as possible. She’ll make simple things complicated just to prove to everyone she’s the one calling the shots.
- She doesn’t respect your words, choices, or personal space. She will come to your house uninvited and unannounced, expecting you to welcome her with open arms and be grateful for the honor of her visit. She will look with disgust at how filthy your place is and how unmannered your kids are.
- **She plays emotional games. Her narrow mentality dictates that she must rule by withholding her affection and approval, so she will use silent treatments, guilt, blame, and direct intimidation to manipulate you and your husband. If he’s not siding with her, she will be punishing and destructive towards him, too. At the same time, she will be demonstratively granting her love to his siblings and your sister-in-law.
- **She loves an audience, and she’s very concerned with appearances. In public, she will enact a charming, cultured woman who is a selfless caretaker of her family. She may even be known as a philanthropist in her community. Most people will fall for that. They will not understand what beef you could possibly have with such a great lady. Don’t try to dissuade them. Let them stay in the matrix. Let them enjoy their steak.
- **She’s completely self-centered and narcissistic. Like any narcissist, she sees her children not as individuals, but as extensions of herself. Everything they do reflects on her, so she will go to great lengths to correct any “deviation” from the path she’s chosen. That includes the people they marry; you. She will never give up trying to destroy your marriage or to control her children’s lives.
- **She engages in smear tactics. If she feels that her seat on the throne is threatened, she will become extremely defensive and passive-aggressive. She will start a smear campaign in her community, trying to turn everyone against you. You’ll know she’s not pleased when you start hearing all the rumors and lies she’s saying about you behind your back. Eventually she’ll try to turn her son against you, too.
- **She’s vindictive, spiteful, grudge-holding, and punishing. If she feels threatened by you, she’ll figure out a thousand ways to make you suffer for it. Get ready for guilt trips, silent treatments, finger-pointing, button-pushing, and manipulation. She’ll turn all of her affection elsewhere just to spite you. She’ll play favorites with everyone else, hoping to make you suffer even more.
- **She shows you a negative side she hides from everyone else. At some point you’ll realize that your mother-in-law has two faces: the nice respectable one she shows to friends and family, and the negative, critical, toxic side she saves just for you. And if you tell anyone, they’ll think you’re crazy for complaining about such a sweet lady.
- **She acts like she cares (but it’s all show). There will be times when she’s nice to you (usually, after you’ve done something she approves of). She might get you a nice gift for your birthday, support your opinion or compliment you (or at least refrain from insults for once). At this point you might be tempted to think that she’s starting to accept you as a daughter-in-law, but don’t be fooled.
- **She’s just waiting for you to let your guard down. Don’t lose your vigilance even when she’s on her best behavior. It may look like things are getting better. Then, out of nowhere, she will turn on you again, and you will be reminded that she will never accept you, and you can never have a relationship with her. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, by the way.
She is nice to my face, but it is VERY fake and often passive agressive, and clearly talks poorly about me behind my back. If she is willing to say this to someone she knows we share common ground with I’m worried what she has said or will say to family. My fiancé is now well aware of her behavior, but the entire family just passes it off as her having mental health issues and everyone still just tip toes around her. I do not worry that she will cause a riff between my fiancé and I because we are both aware she is insane and on the same page, but I worry about her causing unnecessary stress and making things difficult. I worry about her involvement in wedding planning, her behavior AT the wedding (she has had confrontions with both my father and my real mother, who are both strong willed people and have bitten right back at her when she steps out of line.) I’m worried she’ll do every little thing to ruin my day, from ‘accidently’ wearing white, to going out of her way in her appearance to outshine me (because no, she cannot even go a few hours without letting someone else have all the attention), to her ‘forgetting’ something important, to complaining the entire time, to talking negatively and judging our day, etc. Maybe she will even make a scene. She is unpredictable! I fear what she will be like when we have children. She is truly only going to get worse and I do not know how to handle her. I’m torn between acting like the rest of the family and brushing her and her behavior off at the expense of my own sanity, or putting her in her place at the expense of my relationship with my fiancé and in laws. Luckily while I’m away at school I don’t have to deal with her, but it is only a matter of time.